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  1. Greetings and salutations, people.  Thanks for coming aboard (the boat).  Let’s turn and burn.
  2. Just a brain dump today before I hope to make some modifications to the site tomorrow.  I said today’s would be special.  Well, it probably won’t be.  Actually, I guarantee it won’t be.  I just don’t have enough hours in the day right now.  But, let’s just have some fun as I have some fun stuff on the list.
  3. Maybe we don’t rank funny things we see each day.  But, when I out loud chuckle when no one else is around, I assume it is very, very funny to me.  You try.  
  4. Reminds me of my Case Keenum jokes from a couple of years ago.
  5. My school, UVA, was up two touchdowns TWICE on Miami today.  They blew it.  I was fine since I expected it, but man, can you either take care of business or get blown out like I think you will?
  6. I am joking.  Bronco is doing a HELL of a job, and his kids sticking with that talented Miami squad is special and maybe a sign of things to come.
  7. Although, Bronco, I still oddly don’t see UVA in the recruiting rankings.  Let’s keep some kids in state for the first time in like 20 years.  
  8. Remember Thunder and Lightning?  I went to school there during that time.  
  9. I get being the smart school that loses out to Stanford.  But Northwestern?  Come on.
  10. So, on advisement from a buddy, I took South Alabama minus 6 today as a lock.  They lost 52-0.  I guess you could say they didn’t cover those six points.  Glad I won money at poker last night.
  11. Had poker at my house last night.  Amazing how you get a group of guys together for 6 hours, and somehow the order ends up as it should and the stars are aligned.  Rob won $200, and I won $170.  I played sober this time, since I quit drinking, and let’s just say this.  I am an above average poker player when I drank.  I am pretty stellar thinking clearly.  I will tell you one thing besides that it was a great group of guys.  Drinking three large Red Bulls definitely helped me in the massive cleanup after the game before I went to bed and waking up to a very, very clean house.  The most amazing thing, actually, about the whole night was that we ordered apparently the EXACT amount of pizza that we needed, and that made me sad.  No leftovers.  Not even garlic bread.
  12. What is also nice is that I also remember every single won and lost hand.  I got a little lucky on getting a 5 on the river for two pair (with a king), but the table didn’t really know that two full houses and a straight on the flop didn’t really account for much of my winnings for the night.  I played very well, and my mentor, Ross, would have been proud of me, and NO talking shit during.  Crazy.  
  13. He is a HELL of a poker player and person.
  14. But, THIS is my favorite pic of him.  Stole this before a game began.   
  15. Now THAT is a mustache.
  16. Another note on poker that I know YOU don’t get.  My favorite line of the night, was my buddy Dan saying “is it FREE?”
  17. Lindsey is in Aspen again this week hanging out with different family people.  So, I am watching the OU blowout just so I am in the know for conversation with her about the game.  Interesting about this Baker Mayfield stuff.  They wouldn’t shake his hand, he taunts the crowd and other sideline.  I personally love it, but see where the problem begins.  But, how can you tell someone who is so successful BECAUSE of the chip on his shoulder to suddenly toss aside the chip?  Can’t do.  Let him win the Heisman and national championship and THEN sit him down before he is the face of an NFL franchise.
  18. Lindsey gets SOOOOO pessimistic during games.  She called me at halftime, complaining because they looked horrible.  They were up 21-3.  Presently up 38-3 (I personally need them to clear 38 pts but that is neither here nor there).
  19. (on editing, they won by 38 and the spread was 38.5)
  20. Speaking of Lindsey and Aspen, this is my new odd favorite pic of her.  Wish it faced the opposite direction, where Maroon Bells was.  But, nice pic, Drew (Lindsey’s brother).  
  21. Oh, I forgot a lot of you people aren’t in CO.  What is Maroon Bells?  It is one of the most photographed locations in the country.  Here you go.  
  22. The number of people outside of SoCal watching tonight’s USC-UCLA game MIGHT be less than the number of NFL scouts watching it.  Win or lose, Darnold and Rosen are NFL QB’s.
  23. What REALLY will be scary is the day that Wisconsin decides to start PLAYING in the first half.  SUCH slow starters, and those slow starts will NOT work against the likes of Ohio State in the Big Ten title game and Bama or whoever they face in the playoff if they get there.  Their defense is SO impressive though.
  24. This would be the company I work with.  On this photo, we were supposed to do a dance move.  I did the Thriller move, but it is barely visible.  Look in the back.
  25. My VP, who dances in early 90’s style almost as much as me, forgot to move.  To the left of the big sign. TY.
  26. I heard something about Elway calling the Broncos soft.  Not sure “soft” is the most accurate adjective right now for them.  Maybe “bad?”  It is one thing to say you have skill position problems on offense.  But, when your defense is giving it up like they are, then blame can go a couple of different ways.  I DO agree with Denver sports stations saying Joseph accentuates the positive a little too much when he could just say they did something terrible.  Great practice today, Vance.
  27. So, the problem with not redoing my site tonight or tomorrow is that I haven’t done the research yet or made the lists I planned on making because of some work stuff going on.  How about this?  The site will get a redo by the end of the year.  Deal?  All dropdowns, bio info, lists, and predictions will be done by 2018.  I like that.  I need more of a buffer time window.  You are great.  Thanks.
  28. Anthony Davis already has the problem of being paired with DeMarcus Cousins with the Pels (stupid nickname) trying to replicate the already failed experiment of Sampson and Hakeem.  He doesn’t need a concussion problem right now.  
  29. Dammit, Ralph should have gotten one title with UVA.  Dammit.
  30. So, LaVar FINALLY talks about a failure in his family, and he says “who?” about the President?  Listen, LaVar.  Your “who” joke was ok in delivery on Beverly, but pretty sure you know who Trump is, bad Pres or not.  
  31. Anyone else besides me find it ironic that a kid whose dad sells overpriced $400 sneakers gets busted stealing stuff from overpriced merchandise in China?
  32. Anyone else besides me find it EXTREMELY exciting when Trump makes the ESPN wire and KNOW that when you open the article, it will be exciting????!!!!!!!
  33. Anyone else just laugh out loud when Trump said he was the reason why young man Ball got released?
  34. I was focused on poker and not really paying attention, but that was one HECK of a comeback by the Spurs last night.  Wow.  Focusing on card hands and slowly seeing the score get closer and closer takes a while to grasp.
  35. ESPN needs to do a public survey on how they change their NCAA bball scoreline.  This is 1982ish and horrible.  
  36. 1982.  I think about gaming and remember my favorite game of all time.  Zork.  Here is how it started.  
  37. Imagination.  Brilliant.  I remember making maps with my brother of the game and typing in “swing the sword from left hand.”
  38. It should just be wrong in life that an undersized guy in the NBA scores 47 and misses the game winning layup. #kembawalker
  39. I told you that I am making a MASSIVE comeback in fantasy.  I need some things to happen above me considering I am 3-7, but Pittsburgh’s defense getting TWENTY NINE points sure is a good start.  
  40. It is fitting that right before my mad dash to the playoffs that I noticed I am FIRMLY in first place of scoring the least amount of points this season total.  
  41. Why Ice Dragon?  Because it doesn’t matter whether I win or lose.  We have Ice Dragons on GOT.
  42. 12 more days to donate to Movember for me.  I honestly don’t have any donations, although our team as a whole is doing fine.  If you want to donate, here is the link.
  43. If you are NOT clicking on the link, then here is how I am doing so far.  One more week with the goatee that my wife and I decided on as a compromise, and then the LAST week of November I bust out the porn star dad mustache only.  No client visits that week-lol.  
  44. Hey, if one of my man crushes has a shitty mustache, I can too.  
  45. I only wish my mustache was smooth so it would look like this.  
  46. I got two guns.  One for each of you.
  47. I am watching NC State go for it on fourth down on their TEN yard line…because they don’t trust their FG kicker THAT much.  Wow.  How can big schools NOT find ONE single guy who can kick a ball straight?
  48. We can hate him for hating dogs, but isn’t it kind of nice to hear about a guy like Michael Vick concentrate on clearing his debt and succeeding?  $17 million.  That is not mattress money, people.  Well, not mattress money for me.
  49. I still don’t understand these #sweettalk commercials.
  50. Danica announced she will do Daytona and Indy this year and call it.  So, I guess I have to watch TWO more car races in my life.  Ever since watching the elder Earnhardt die with me watching the whole race, I have felt like I should stay away.  The only times I watched any part of any race was rooting for Danica to beat the guys turning left.  
  51. What’s that?  Oh, I suppose you expected one of these pics when I mentioned her.  Where is your mind?  
  52. Jameis Winston is being investigated for groping an Uber driver a year ago.  First of all, not fully understanding (and not really trying to catch up) why this is coming about now.  Second of all, I have never seen a guy flail totally in college off the field so bad, take two plus years to successfully earn back respect from his teammates, and then blow it in like two weeks.  I was right all along about him, and I am blaming him fully for ruining the beginning of my fantasy season.  I am team Stafford now, although I have NO clue how Matthew got on the waiver wire in the first place.  
  53. Too many jokes.  
  54. I fully believe a basketball fan’s week is not done until he reads Ten Things by Zach Lowe.  Again, some of the most intelligent basketball article stuff I have read.
  55. Brilliant basketball stuff, aye?  Please either acknowledge you read it and it was brilliant or you don’t like NBA basketball that much.  I am giving you an out.
  56. Mike and Mike are finishing up.  The Caliendo impressions on their last episode were AWESOME.  Interesting story about how they came about, interesting listenership in general, and their book way back in the day was easy reading, sports heaven.  
  57. South Carolina women’s basketball team were the latest team to turn down a White House invite.  Dawn Staley, a Wahoo, spearheaded that movement.  So, that means I have to support it.  I mean, I guess my problem is this.  Making a statement is one thing.  But WHO turns down a chance to actually meet and talk to the biggest idiot in America, and concurrently the leader of the free world?  But, I will listen to Dawn.  I thought that guarding a girl in a basketball pickup game was easy until she took me to the hole the second time at Slaughter Gym.  
  58. Elliott suspension on.  Jerry Jones wants Goodell for everything now.  This is the most exciting boring sports owner’s story I have ever heard.  Or, the most boring exciting story.  YOU flow chart it.  I have to continue writing.  
  59. I freaking LOVE flow charts.
  60. I wish I was an NFL QB because my signals and audibles would be INCREDIBLE.  But in the meantime, Big Ben did Dilly, Dilly.
  61. Here is another one from the last week.
  62. I think it is painful actually watching a game you have money on.
  63. Well, unless you are winning, because then subconsciously you watch a blowout in joy.
  64. The Rockets had 90 points at halftime in Chris Paul’s return, and Harden had about 30 also.  What is MORE impressive, and look away, Kobe Bryant, is that he did it on TEN shots.  THAT is efficiency.
  65. Think it was worth it waiting on Embiid’s injury problems?  Well, check out THIS stat line.  46, 15, 7, 7. Wow.
  66. You can tell everyone and their mother you are tired of the Steelers celebrations.  I am a fan, and I kind of think they are dumb.  But, when all the dust settles, and you are sitting there watching a football game with them playing, aren’t you a LITTLE curious what their next dumb thing will be?  I know that I am.
  67. But, the best team celebration is still this WITH Mike Trout in the stands.  
  68. My brother works out with him in between pulling buses.  
  69. I mean, it at least took away from the pain of Cris Collinsworth’s voice, right?
  70. Good line on Thursday night’s game.  Bell’s strength as a runner is that he has no weaknesses.
  71. It is going to be REALLY scary with their celebrations if they ever learn to score a touchdown every time they are in the red zone.  They are HORRIBLE in the red zone.
  72. So, the Steelers crowd still chants Moose kind of when Jesse James does something, and is still learning what to yell when JuJu does something.  I am SOOO entranced by a large group of people all getting together on one made up cheer.  That is not sarcastic.  I am really interested in how that phenom happens.  
  73. For the record, I don’t HATE the SkyCam.  I simply would like to watch the IMPORTANT downs from our typical, historical sideways view.  I love the view from the QB side, but that does me NO good when it is 4th and a foot.  
  74. I think that all of these yearly commercials showing a husband or wife giving their spouse a car are absolute BS.  If they are giving them a car with a bow, then it comes out of the same account and the other knows.  If it is coming out of their personal account by chance, then no one can relate because not many of us are that rich to have a personal account in marriage with car money in it.  
  75. Want an update on the Durant tweets?  I got you.
  76. In case some of you thought I am nearing the finish line, I have two more hours of this football game left, plenty of notes, and we are far from done.  Take a break if you have to.  I want my Sunday to be blog writing free.  I have work to do.
  77. I don’t watch old game shows anymore, but I love Twitter because it keeps me informed of the more worthy and notable episodes.  THIS is just brutal.
  78.  I don’t go grocery shopping until tomorrow morning, so I will take this moment to tell you that I think the Son of the Baconator is my favorite fast food burger right now.  
  79. I went to my favorite room in Denver this morning.  It is the boxing room at 20th Street Rec Center.  That 35 minutes in that room was AMAZING.  I love boxing.  Grew up outside of Philly, and the best gift I have ever received from my family was that garage heavy bag.  I can still hit the speed bag scary good.  
  80. We might be switching to a rec center fitness membership instead of the Y next year.  Given that I just found out the new rec center 10 blocks down will have a water slide when it opens, and given that the one I went to today has a boxing room, I would say that someone is winning.
  81. Heck, I talked about the Steelers without really even touching on the game.  Still teasing us on offensive closing, still have a lot of home games left, and still on a collision course with the Pats in the AFC playoffs.  I would love the week 15 game to decide home field advantage.
  82. My buddy at work, Greg, and his new puppy, Brady, can hang out.  
  83. I guess I will lobby for my next puppy to be named Bleier.  If you made me wear a Steelers jersey even though I am not a sports jersey guy, I would wear one of two.  This:  
  84. Or this:  
  85. I have a throw up bag signed by Rocky B.
  86. I am overloaded with Google Pixel II commercials.  Not impressed with the reviews and will continue to wait out replacing my 4.5 year old Droid Turbo I with the incredible camera and only weakness is charging it with a NON Turbo charger.  It just keeps it alive.  But I will never buy another Android phone until someone proves to me it isn’t too fancy but is simple enough for me.
  87. Nigeria made the Olympics in bobsledding and that, my friends, is pretty freaking cool.
  88. Speaking of the Olympics, they are already here again?  I think I like the alternation of Winter and Summer Olympics, but I will say that you barely get over one and the other one is there and you have to learn a whole NEW bunch of weird sports.  
  89. I can’t believe the 32 team field is set for the World Cup and the U.S., Chile, and Italy are NOT in that field.
  90. The ONLY problem I have in USA not making the Cup is that they are actually CONSIDERING my joking NIT idea, which is to host a sub tourney with the teams that didn’t make it.  Listen, I find anyone who watches the NIT weird, so I am NOT going to watch an almost World Cup match, nor respect someone who does.
  91. Larry Fitzgerald will play another year for the Cardinals.  He is like the really nice, polite version of Steve Smith.  He will just do add-on contracts, no one will ask him to retire, and we will enjoy that every three game majesty on the field even though we want it every single game.
  92. Some headlines I like to note but don’t have any jokes or anything else to add.  “UFC fighter hits welterweight fighter with boomerang-charged.”
  93. I love the way Draymond Green plays basketball.  I love that he doesn’t have much of a filter.  But, if he doesn’t stop talking smack about sports owners and what they are, I am going to scream.  Leave it alone.  You can find better battles for a cause, and owners own equity and you are a person who contributes to that equity.  Be an owner when you retire.  Whatever.  Just stop talking about it.  And definitely stop talking about Mark Cuban.  He is the image of a self-made billionaire that is still down to earth in his own way.
  94. I really wish we could let Lonzo Ball play one full year and THEN let the media overtake us with coverage.  That kid is probably a great kid and might be a star, but I can’t fight through the noise to be honest.
  95. Lonzo might be a future star, but as you have heard me say for about 5 years, THIS guy is a star.  
  96. Speaking of the 76ers, they just re-upped on Robert Covington.  Good player, and he deserves a contract.  But, here is the kicker.  He is the most tenured 76ers player on the roster, and he has been there FOUR years.  Ancient.  God Bless The Process.
  97. Altuve and Stanton were your MVP’s.  Not sure we were splitting the atom with those picks.  Great players, and well deserved.  I think Altuve wrapped up HIS trophy in June.
  98. Kluber and Scherzer were your Cy Youngs.  All in all, if you throw out Aaron Judge, these might be the least controversial Cy Young and MVP picks I remember in a while.
  99. I just saw the final Nebraska-Penn State score.  What happened?  Combine this loss with the Oregon loss, is the Nebraska locker room laying down bets on the biggest deficit they can overcome after halftime?  Just curious.  Weird team, that Nebraska.
  100. I have a feeling Westgate will not be giving the Celtics SEVEN points at home next time against the Warriors.
  101. Lindsey laughs at my dumb patent/inventor ideas.  I can tell you my FrostZip almost invention because I just watched the new Shark Tank and the ProntoBev was a product.  Actually, you can figure it out.  This guy on TV catered to wine, but my FrostZip was going to solve my eternal problem with wanting an ice cold beverage when what I had in my hand from the store was just semi-cold.  Moving on.  
  102. Don’t worry.  The TriPod will change the world.
  103. I hate and love Shark Tank.  I love the show, but when I hear the elevator speech for ANY product, I need to know the resolution, and that means I have to watch the next 15 minutes of the show.
  104. Because of PassBook (like the greatest restaurant invention EVER), I finally went to Humboldt Fish Farm Wine on 17th and DIDN’T get the best burger in Denver.  
  105. I make an uncontrollable noise when I bite into it.  Can’t stop it.  It is that good.
  106. I heard a story about a bear finding a bag of cocaine and then dying, was going to just Google it to refresh my memory about what I was told, but ended up thinking that the most interesting part of the story was that it has happened a LOT over the years.  
  107. I had a couple of polar bear jokes but I will spare you (because a polar bear is WHITE).
  108. You won’t get any of these as they are work focused, but THIS is my type of humor.  Someone caught wind I have been writing work parodies and jokes since I started at work in 2010, and they are going to start posting them on our internal monitors/TV’s.  Sample which will make no sense to you.
  109. What was the first thing Dracula did when becoming an FWI Account Executive?  Make A Count Plan
  110. Why did FWI creative have to make the new Boyd sign have smaller water birds on the screen?  Because FWI wanted Bay-gulls and not Seagulls?
  111. What happens when you saw an FWI sign down the middle and look at the cuttings?You find out sign-age.
  112. Why did the FWI accounting team member leave the company to become a professional musician?  Because they thought they had enough practice creating Install Records.
  113. And the money one… Why are Joe and Val getting married at the University of Colorado? Because they Booked Engage on Campus Direct.
  114. In reality, if I had to rank all jokes from all eras, I still would rank this joke as the best ever.  What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?  Damn.
  115. Impressed.  I didn’t write a bunch of crap about Baker Mayfield earlier when I mentioned his antics, and just watched how he went on camera and apologized and said he messed up.  That makes me happy.  Baker Mayfield makes most people happy.  I am telling you because my wife is too young.  He is like a really pissed off Doug Flutie.  
  116. He even looks a little like Baker.
  117. Dammit, Doug was so awesome.  My buddy just said he is an idiot and he hopes he is a Bronco.  I agree.  You just want a guy like that on your team whether you have massive QB issues or not.  The Broncos do have them.
  118. Another story that makes me sad that opportunity hasn’t cruised accidentally by my place.  A painting bought for $59 just sold for $450 million and was a Da Vinci original.  Who am I kidding?  I am the guy who laughs at the painting, puts it out at a yard sale, and then gets written about when some random person buys that thing for $5 and then goes to an art museum.  My apologies, Opportunity.
  119. So, you don’t know my work.  You don’t know what a Group By Band in the software is.  But, you might find this funny.  Someone found THIS video.  About 6 years ago, we formed a company band and played in and out of the company meeting sort of like the Roots does with the Tonight Show…with a solo or two also.  Well, first of all, we are getting the band back together.  Second of all, here is the video made in between our only two performances at company meetings.
  120. THIS time I actually have a keyboard to practice on.  Most people at the company don’t know I had no piano before and that I practiced by ear and by playing on my legs.  NOW, Iceman, I AM dangerous.  
  121. So, Yankees Hal says that Girardi could have WON the World Series and still gotten let go.  Tell me another one, Hal.  Come on.  make up whatever reasons in your head that make you happy, but get away from the mic when doing so.
  122. By the way, sounds like a master plan, Hal.  WHO, in reality, is out there as a manager who is good enough for the Yankees.  You fire someone who made the playoffs when there are plenty of prospects out there.  I don’t think Bill Cowher and Jon Gruden handle setup pitchers.  
  123. I am going to be a fan of ANYWHERE where Jon Gruden ends up, as long as it is not in the NFL.
  124. Some things are silly in life, but a Miami beer company busting out the Turnover IPA is pretty clever.  Although I would never think a brewery in Florida was anything of note, I will roll with this being a good concept.  
  125. Blake Shelton apparently has been named the sexiest man alive.  I have a few thoughts on this. A) It gives me as a 44 year old hope about “sexiness” B) I think his absolute coolness on The Voice is about 20% of the vote.  C) I think that the fact that Gwen couldn’t resist him on The Voice was about 40% of the vote.  D) I have seen him in concert in WY and he is a pretty cool, talented dude. E) I guess him and George Clooney can go out and have drinks and laugh about how they are beating the system.  
  126. By the way, I figured out this week that all of my favorite people on The Voice were on Miley’s team, meaning I am shit out of luck when talking about my favorite people left.  Since I called Sundance last year, I don’t need much cred, so I will wait to pick my new people.  My glam rock guy and girl got eliminated, so I am re-configuring.
  127. I think it is wrong that ANYONE gets eliminated before the live show who sang Crazy On You in the opening.  Any song by Heart is impossible unless you are Heart.  
  128. Yes, UFC, I would buy the fight between Diaz and Woodley, in case you are like taking a poll or anything.
  129. At least I know that the Nuggets now have a shot at Karl-Anthony Towns when he is out of contract.
  130. Think about it…THERE you go.  We people in CO don’t know WHAT you people on the East Coast do.
  131. When the Bills benched Taylor, I firmly admit to having to Google Nathan Peterman.  
  132. By the way, just like I get a rush when Hubie Brown announces NBA, I got that same rush this week hearing Vitale’s voice again doing a heavyweight college basketball game.
  133. Seriously folks.  I am going to say the same hook AGAIN.

This post first appeared on Shark Tank Products, please read the originial post: here

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