11/24/2018 – Michigan 39, Ohio State 62 – 10-2, 8-1 Big Ten
From the start this blog has sought to detach itself from the furies of gameday. This column shows up Monday noonish and is thus the last one to appear. It usually tries to get a grip on the emotional tenor of what happened once whatever red mists have passed. Most games that are not abject humiliations are broken down play-by-play in an attempt to explain what actually happened, and gesture towards why.
So it's natural that people would ask me what happened; I am a person who would be able to venture some guess as to what caused the #1 defense in the country to give up 700 yards and more points than Michigan ever had to Ohio State. And, sure, there are some answers to be had. Ohio State ruthlessly exploited Brandon Watson and Devin Gil. Michigan's game plan was terrible because when you're the #1 defense in the country it's impossible to think your approach needs to be entirely different.
But these are weak justifications for the towering, Lovecraftian whole. They do not begin to explain what happened on Saturday. I struggled to put together anything that would be remotely satisfying. Then I figured it out: the fact that makes all the puzzle pieces slot together.
This is Hell.
[Bryan Fuller]
I am being punished for some sin so colossal that it justifies me reliving my life over and over again, except the end of every football season has been replaced with every flavor of pain football can hand out. This may be my sin, and the simulation will reveal it to me at the very end. I will be permitted a brief moment of knowing the totality of my existence before being thrown back into the rebooted whole.
Or I may be a person who has committed grievous crimes against football and is being punished by living through this existence as someone who holds my true self in utter contempt. This would in fact be justice for Jim Delany's sordid existence: to bear the brunt of every money-grubbing decision on an annual basis and then get a metaphorical kick to the junk so powerful it might as well be real. The reveal at the end, as I download this into whatever qualifies as a soul before being moving into another college football fan, would be the kind of devastation that you really rely on Hell to dish out.
Other candidates to be placed in this particular hell include everyone involved with replacing Pitbull with Larry Culpepper, that one FOX executive who surrounded himself with prophylactic pictures of his kids and sexually harassed his way out of a job, and people who post pictures of their dogs with captions like "OHHHH WHO'S A GOOD DOGGO" somewhere other than Instagram.
So, good news: you don't exist. Or bad news: if the demons have decided that they can cram all of the above into the same simulation for efficiency's sake, your existence implies that you have sinned powerfully and long, and respite is not coming.
But they messed up, you see. I don't buy this latest one. Oh, I was willing to accept the one where the quarterback breaks his foot in the middle of the game and still nearly carries Michigan to a win, even though the offensive coordinator called the same play he had on before after an OSU timeout. I was willing to accept the one lost by a literal unknowable inch. I was willing to accept DJ Durkin checking out a week early and not being too bright to start with.
I don't buy this one. The one where Ohio State fires one of their coaches for abusing his wife before the season, and Urban Meyer skates. The one where Ohio State loses by 29 to Purdue and barely squeaks out victories over half the Big Ten that Michigan is simultaneously paving. The one where the same team that came one three yard pass to a wide open receiver away from losing to Maryland waltzes through, yes, the #1 defense in the country like it is not there. I know, now. I know this is not a random universe that happens to fall into a maximally painful configuration. I know this is one specifically directed to cause pain, and in that knowledge is… well, not exactly power, but mitigation.
I know what's coming, now, Satan. Bring it on.
[Patrick Barron]
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Catchafire
November 26th, 2018 at 11:09 AM ^
Thank you for your voice of reason Brian. I'm still in shock myself and while I wasn't super optimistic about beating OSU I didn't expect the defense to be exposed like that.
Great season regardless of what anyone says; just disappointed for the team who I am sure are hurting.
Joined: 09/30/2009
MGoPoints: 5479
evenyoubrutus
November 26th, 2018 at 12:13 PM ^
No doubt, "this is literally hell" is the single most reasonable take I've seen since Saturday. And I'm not even joking.
Joined: 11/04/2008
MGoPoints: 94196
The Maizer
November 26th, 2018 at 11:12 AM ^
This is one of the most rational takes I've seen about the game so far. Very plausible.
Joined: 08/07/2015
MGoPoints: 8876
antonio_sass
November 26th, 2018 at 11:15 AM ^
THIS is the bad place.
Joined: 09/08/2010
MGoPoints: 3360
Brhino
November 26th, 2018 at 11:19 AM ^
Just finished Season One last night, and the similarities are striking. So who is Ted Danson in our scenario?
Joined: 09/08/2009
MGoPoints: 7265
1464
November 26th, 2018 at 11:56 AM ^
Pawwlllll.....
Joined: 06/21/2010
MGoPoints: 36629
WGoNerd
November 26th, 2018 at 11:20 AM ^
HOLY MOTHER-FORKING SHIRTBALLS!
I came here to make this joke and cede the comment to you.
Joined: 04/09/2015
MGoPoints: 2023
umaz1
November 26th, 2018 at 12:38 PM ^
What the fork? Why can’t I say fork?
Joined: 09/17/2010
MGoPoints: 4101
Atlanta_Blue
November 26th, 2018 at 1:31 PM ^
Primarily applies to Arizonans.
Joined: 06/30/2008
MGoPoints: 1193
Catchafire
November 26th, 2018 at 11:18 AM ^
What should we title this game? Is there a word in the dictionary that is worse than "Horror"? Does this game replace "The Horror"? I'm in a place where all the light, as it pertains to football, is being sucked out. As if i'm in a black hole of sorts. TWENTY YEARS since we have beaten OSU at Ohio and I feel as if we are at the event horizon.
Joined: 09/30/2009
MGoPoints: 5479
FrankMurphy
November 26th, 2018 at 11:28 AM ^
"The Defenestration"
Joined: 08/19/2008
MGoPoints: 10377
Yinka Double Dare
November 26th, 2018 at 1:54 PM ^
leaning into history even more, "The Defenestration of Brahgue"
Joined: 06/30/2008
MGoPoints: 6421
markp
November 26th, 2018 at 11:34 AM ^
Your comment is the first thing I've read about the game that I enjoy and that is messed up. My suggestions:
Joined: 12/24/2013
MGoPoints: 3582
FrankMurphy
November 26th, 2018 at 11:52 AM ^
Let's be honest: we've had a lot of Games-We-Do-Not-Speak-Of over the past 10-12 years.
Joined: 08/19/2008
MGoPoints: 10377
His Dudeness
November 26th, 2018 at 12:26 PM ^
Too many to have that differentiate one really. It would lead to confusion.
Maybe "The End Times" game ?
I don't know. I feel very uneasy about all of this. Is this real? Is everything unfolding as it should? Those question used to be faithfully answered with yes. Now I'm not so sure... I feel like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky. TECH SUPPORT!!!! TECH SUPPORT!!!!!!!
Joined: 11/24/2008
MGoPoints: -973241
ST3
November 26th, 2018 at 12:40 PM ^
I will see you in another life, when we are both cats and we finally beat Ohio State.
The game preview cat intangibles photo was prophetic. Lurking within the docile, domesticated exterior of OSU was a sabre-tooth tiger that ripped our hearts out.
Joined: 09/11/2010
MGoPoints: 33252
MGB
November 26th, 2018 at 12:41 PM ^
Very underrated film. Always been a favorite of mine.
Joined: 11/29/2015
MGoPoints: 1063
WolverineRage
November 26th, 2018 at 1:02 PM ^
Gonna get super nerdy and call it "The Boggart" because honest to god what happened in that game was what I feared most.
Joined: 01/07/2011
MGoPoints: 188
IronDMK
November 26th, 2018 at 1:17 PM ^
Logged in just to support this one. Just about a perfect name. It makes me smile but I don't like that I have something like this to smile about. Now I'm sad.
Joined: 07/28/2010
MGoPoints: 891
wolverine1987
November 26th, 2018 at 11:43 AM ^
"The Killening"
"The De-Browning"
Joined: 07/07/2008
MGoPoints: 11930