Ah Memorial Day. Summer was officially welcomed this weekend as beaches everywhere were swarmed with men all too eager to boast their newly sculpted muscles. Muscles enhanced of course, by their cinnamon complexion attained via months of hard work in the tanning bed. Bars everywhere were filled with single gals trying to hook, line and sinker said brainless males with their newly installed front porch and perhaps a fresh set of lips to boot, to perhaps dupe one of these distinguished gentleman into buying her a frozen cocktail. Yes, the summer days are upon us. Little clothes. Less inhibition. And to make matters all the worse, less sports…less viable television viewing.

It is the first Tuesday without American Idol, which just so happened to follow the first Monday sans 24. Tough sledding out here boys and gals, but we will trudge on, no worse for the wear. I mean, we must. This is our outlet. So as the NASDAQ gets crushed worse than Clay Aiken would in a Vito Spatafore/Johnny Cakes sandwich, I turn to you to make sense of this nonsensical world. Sanity must be kept some way or another.

Explanation Please!
How is it possible that as Roger Clemens makes his return to the Houston Astros official sometime this week, the media will treat this as a meaningful and headlining news story? This was inevitable and in the eyes of anyone with a little between the ears, completely expected. Roger, was, is and always will be solely about Roger. Does it sicken anyone else that this man had an on field ceremony to commemorate his final game….three seasons ago….halting a World Series game no less? Does it piss any other Yankees fans off that the Rocket is still rocking the Hummer we rewarded him with for his indelible service upon his retirement….three years ago? Give me a break. I have had enough.

Someone please explain how…
Kelvin Sampson, who admittedly made several illicit phone calls to recruits over his tenure at the University of Oklahoma, contritely referred to his actions last week as “an act of indiscretion.” If your daughter sneaks under the boardwalk during senior week with her boyfriend, that Kelvin, is an act of indiscretion. But Kelvin, 600 illegal phone calls? That is no prom night fling. Using your daughter as an example, and for the life of me I don’t know why we are, the 600 illegal phone calls you made would translate to her being…um…some things are just better left unsaid. Maybe we should have left her out of this.

Um What
Was the deal with Lastings Milledge’s outfit Tuesday night? Dude gets called up to the bigs and is so excited he ran out to his outfield position still rocking his do rag and tribal neckwear. I thought I had sat on the remote and was watching 50s latest when they zoomed in on Milledge. It reminded me of those old basketball videos, when the last man on the bench gets called upon and is so excited he charges onto the court with his snap pants still on over his shorts. Then he tears the pants off, only to realize he forgot to put the shorts on underneath. Both pair.

Oh wait, you’re telling me Lastings meant to keep the do rag on? I must really be getting old.

Nope. Not older, just wiser.

Dude, take that pile of shit off of your head and quit disrespecting the game. Even Manny isn’t dumb enough to look as ridiculously inappropriate on a baseball field as you did in your major league debut. And, by the way, he has about 400 more homers than you do.

On a day in which fans and media types should be focusing on your skill set, opportunity to make an impact and unlimited potential, instead people will focus on your poor wardrobe choices and now because of it you will be forced to answer questions regarding your questionable character until you retire. So much for following the example of a guy like David Wright. I guess he was too perfect.

And finally someone please explain to the editors of Maxim
That under no circumstances is that crack whore Lindsay Lohan the third hottest female in the world.

It’s been a week….and I miss Elliot Yamin.

It’s been a month….and I still have nary a clue as to how Houston passed on Reggie.

It has been five years…and Byung Hyun Kim still cannot escape the wrath of surrendering historic homers. Tino. Brosius. Jeter. 715. What a career.