With regards to the current furore going on with the ‘Redskins’ part of the Washington Redskins, with critics calling the last name offensive to the Native American people, we decided to submit some name-changing ideas to NFL owners.
Not because we found the current ones offensive, but we found this one amusing.
The order, like the naming process, is a little random, Alex Ferguson would like to note…
DENVER BRONCOS TO DENVER PEYTONS—Because you can’t talk about the Denver Broncos without mentioning Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning and Peyton Manning. Seriously. Try. Apparently he plays all the positions on offense and defence and special teams. We were thinking of the Denver Thin Airs or Mile Highs because of the incredible atmosphere up in Colorado, but we thought better of it.
HALL OF Fame RENAME: The Denver Elways
GREEN BAY PACKERS TO GREEN BAY LEAPS -- Because when you play on the Icy Tundra, it’s all about scoring a touchdown and celebrating it with a Lambeau Leap. It’s pretty awesome. We were also thinking of the Green Bay Cheese but it’s not as, er, frightening.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: The Green Bay Favres
CHICAGO BEARS TO CHICAGO STORM – If you’ve ever been to Chicago in winter, you’ll know about the terrible storms they get coming off Lake Michigan. It’s not a pleasant place to be. The word ‘storm’ also indulges the fantasy about nasty weather and a team built to cope with it. You know, apart from Jay Cutler. We also thought of the Chicago Windies, but no.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: The Chicago Walters or The Chicago Sweetness
NEW YORK GIANTS OR NEW YORK BLUE YANKEES – Because in New York, there is only one team. You know, according to Jay-Z. We were thinking about the New York Miracle, after the famous Super Bowl victory over the New England Patriots, but it was a bit too cheesy for New York fans.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: The New York Parcells
NEW YORK JETS TO NEW YORK GREEN YANKEES – Because in New York, there is only one team. You know, according to Jay-Z. We were thinking about the New York Guarantee, after Joe Namath guaranteed victory in Super Bowl III, but thought better of it. Because nothing in New York is ever guaranteed. See Brothers, Lehman for example.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: The New York Namaths
BUFFALO BILLS TO BUFFALO 1990S - It’s a hark back to the great days of the Buffalo Bills, where they dominated the 1990s (Championship Games).
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Buffalo Jims (You know, for Jim Kelly, their Hall of Fame QB)
MIAMI DOLPHINS TO MIAMI VACATIONS – No! It’s NOT because the team’s been playing like they’ve been on one for the best part of two decades! It’s because Miami’s really well-known for being a vacation sport. We also thought about the Miami Ultras after the big dance festival in March, or the Miami Rage, because Miami’s all about having a ‘rage’ and good time, or the Miami Hurricanes. But the last one would be stealing from the University of Miami. And that wouldn’t be cool.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Miami Marinos
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS TO NEW ORLEANS BOURBONS – Because in New Orleans, they love to consume bourbon. And there’s the famous Bourbon St. We were also contemplating the New Orleans Jazz (because it’s all going so smooooothly in NOLA at the moment). Just not the New Orleans Dacquiris.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: New Orleans Brees. Might as well get the name ready, eh?
DALLAS COWBOYS TO DALLAS JERRYS – Because Jerry Jones is the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, and he’s the second most powerful voice in football. After all, you don’t get football’s biggest stadium nicknamed JerryWorld by, well, everybody (funnily enough, it’s never been called The House That Jerry Built or something kinder) for nothing, do you? So the next logical step: Rename the team! We also thought about the Dallas Heatwave, reflecting summers in Texas. We thought better of it.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Dallas Men Of Troy (Aikman).
ATLANTA FALCONS TO ATLANTA HEARTBREAKERS – We tried and tried to think of something good like the Atlanta MARTA (named after Atlanta’s much-loved public transport system), but then we thought: “No-one loves to feel heartbreak MORE than Atlanta Falcons fans. When Georgia lost to Missouri, the Atlanta Braves went out of the baseball play-offs and the Falcons lost, the collective fanbases started consigning themselves for misery for the long-term future. So we’re going with Atlanta Heartbreakers, in an effort to reverse a curse. Also thought of getting some corporate sponsorship and going with the Atlanta Cokes or Atlanta Happiness, to reflect Atlanta’s greatest-ever export (sorry, CNN).
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Atlanta Deions
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS TO JACKSONVILLE COCKTAILS – Did you know that the biggest game at Jacksonville’s Stadium every year is in fact the Georgia vs Florida college football game, which has been renamed the World’s Biggest Outdoor Cocktail Party (and then subsequently authorities tried to rename it again because of the ‘alcohol’ part, which has now become the butt of many media jokes)? So we’re going with Cocktails. Also we liked the Jacksonville Landing, in celebrate the State of Florida’s association with space travel.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS TO TAMPA BAY UNITED – Because with the Glazer connection, Manchester United’s now going to be called The Manchester Buccanneers in honour of their much-loved ownership heritage.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Tampa Bay Dunns
CAROLINA PANTHERS TO CAROLINA JORDANS – Nothing to do with football, but a nod to North Carolina’s greatest ever athlete, Michael Jordan. Also will help footwear sales. And maybe get some dough off Nike.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Bit early for such a young franchise, but how about the Carolina Newtons somewhere in the future.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS TO KANSAS CITY EARDRUMBREAKERS – Because Arrowhead Stadium prides itself on being LOUD. We were thinking of the Kansas City Slide – a nod to news this week that the world’s biggest slide has been constructed in KC, but we thought the owners wouldn’t take too kindly.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Kansas City Derricks (after much-missed Hall of Famer Derrick Thomas)
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS TO SAN FRANCISCO LIKES – Something to reflect San Francisco’s connection to social media. We thought about the San Francisco Googles or Tweets but it didn’t have the same ring. And the San Francisco Silicons might make for some weird and wonderful headgear.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: San Francisco Montanas/Forever Youngs/ Rices (It was a tie)
OAKLAND RAIDERS TO OAKLAND MADNESS – Because when you see Oakland Raiders games and their fans dressed up in that garb, you could swear they are crazy.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Oakland Davis – Beyond the grave, Al Davis put in a contract that if the team gets renamed, it’s gong to be after him. You know, we think he did, anyway.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS TO NEW ENGLAND RED SOX – Because all Bawston fans care about is the World Series-winning Red Sawx, ya hear? I mean, what have the Pats or Celtics done lately, huh? We were going for the New England Short Memory or the New England Irish or the New England Harvard or the New England Hunting (to reflect our favourite movie), but we thought better or it. Note: All Boston teams will get re-named after one of their teams wins a title. We look forward to all Boston teams being called the ‘Bruins’, next.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: New England Bradys.
PITTSBURGH STEELERS TO PITTSBURGH RESURRECTION – A nod to when US Steel went bust in the 1970s, and Pittsburgh as a boomtown fell to the floor. But politicians and businessmen got the city off its knees, and now it’s a business hub again. And to reflect their horrific jersey choice last week, they should also be called the Pittsburgh Bumblebees once a year.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Pittsburgh Francos
MINNESOTA VIKINGS TO MINNESOTA ICE – Because bloody hell, does it get cold in Minnesota-St Paul in winter. It really is like being on the Arctic. We also thought about Minnesota Tundra or Minnesota Norse Gods (to reflect the area’s Scandinavian heritage).
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Minnesota Carters
HOUSTON TEXANS TO HOUSTON ROUGHNECKS – A shout back to Houston’s days as the Oilers, and we also liked the link to Oil. Hell, it’s better than the Houston Enrons.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Houston Moons (We like this because of the NASA connection, too!)
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS TO SAN DIEGO SHARKS – San Diego has SeaWorld, so why not?
HALL OF FAME RENAME: San Diego Unitas
ARIZONA CARDINALS TO ARIZONA SUN: If Minnesota gets ‘Ice’, then Arizona gets ‘Sun’ because it seems to be permanently scorching there. It’s not too difficult.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Arizona Tillmans – to reflect Pat Tillman, the Arizona player who gave up a NFL career to go and fight for his country, and was killed in Afghanistan in 2004.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES TO PHILADELPHIA ANGER: In Veteran’s Stadium they had a jail to house the drunk, angry Philadelphia Eagles fans. And remember, this is a city that takes pride in making things as uncomfortable as humanely possible for opposition players. And more often than not, their own, too.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Philadelphia Bednariks (shortened to the Philadelphia Chucks, after the famous tackler/two-way player). The name will hope to inspire Philly players to, you know, tackle.
WASHINGTON REDSKINS TO WASHINGTON CAPITALS: This is the big one bearing in mind the furore. One fan Jamie S. suggested we go with the ‘Washington You People’ so we didn’t offend anybody. We’re going with Washington Capitals. Yes, we know it’s also the name of the ice hockey team….but it’s a Statement of Fact. We were also thinking of the Washington Fighting Politicos And It’s A Miracle That They Get Anything Dones, but it seemed a little lengthy.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Washington Monks (after Art Monk, the great ‘Skins WR). Alternative: Washington Slingin’ Sammies (after Sammy Baugh, their great quarterback of yesteryear).
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS TO SEATTLE CRANES: We considered the Seattle Gates or Seattle Windows, but we thought it might look like a Microsoft product placement. You know, because Seahawks owner Paul Allen had nothing to do with Microsoft #sarcasm. Anyway, why the Cranes? Easy. Frasier Crane. Sure, he may have been a spin-off from Cheers, but Frasier Crane became a Seattle hero. Goodnight Seattle, we love you indeed. Also thought about the Seattle Noise, to reflect their rowdy stadium.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Seattle Wilsons. The way Russell Wilson’s going,he’s going to the Hall fo Fame. Fun Fact: The Seattle Seahawks don’t have a Hall of Fame player in their midst.
BALTIMORE RAVENS TO BALTIMORE DEFENSE: We scratched our heads for something to say, but when you think about Baltimore (OK, those who have something NICE to say about the Ravens), think D, D, D. So there we go.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Baltimore Lewises or Baltimore Reeds
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS TO INDIANAPOLIS 500S: We were going to go with Lucks or something equally stupid, but the City Of The Team That Peyton Built is also famous for a pretty big motor race, hence the renaming. The marketing men like the idea because it reflects speed, glamour, and endurance.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Indianapolis Peytons or Indianapolis Reggies or Indianapolis Eighteens
TENNESSEE TITANS TO TENNESSEE HEELS: Because in the City of Nashville – the centre of country music - you’ll like to click your heels and have a fun country dance. We were thinking of the Tennessee Rednecks but thought better of it.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Tennessee Campbells (nod to Earl Campbell, their Hall of Fame running back)
CLEVELAND BROWNS TO CLEVELAND LOYALTY: My buddy Andy Berry’s a Cleveland sports fan. He’s had his heart ripped out on so many occasions by his Indians and Browns that you can only call him one thing: Loyal. And yes, Andy, we know that this isn’t the Cleveland Browns you grew up with, but they are back now. And doing quite well, we might add.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Unbelievably, the Cleveland Browns (after Jim Brown, we might add).
CINCINNATI BENGALS TO CINCINNATI IMPROVEMENT: After years of being the laughing stock of the league, Cincinnati’s turned around. So why not reflect their great (recent) history by calling them the Cincinnati Improvement. It’s aspirational, too – although it tempts a little failure!
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Cincinnati Munoz – Celebrates the team’s only NFL Hall of Famer thus far. He’s probably keeping it warm for AJ Green….
DETROIT LIONS TO DETROIT SPEED: The basketball took the Pistons, and we were considering the Motors after the ‘Motor City’, or the Detroit ‘Union’ to reflect the city’s proud workers’ heritage (although some may argue that it was the unions that caused Detroit’s implosion in the first place by refusing to modernise), but we went with ‘Speed’ instead. We like ‘Speed’.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: Detroit Barries or Detroit Sanders. Or simply Barry Sanders’ Detroit Team.
ST LOUIS RAMS TO ST LOUIS ARCHES: To reflect that beautiful Gateway Arch in St Louis, one of America’s great monuments.
HALL OF FAME RENAME: It’s a toss-up between the St Louis Dickersons or the St Louis Youngbloods after greats Eric Dickerson and Jack Youngblood. We like either.
