There's so much on my heart and mind right now that I really need to release... things have been locked up for weeks and months and I just haven't been motivated to write. I really haven't known where to begin..
Feb 24 I got the most devastating call of my life. It was about 2:30am and I was a little restless and my phone rang. I immediately knew something was wrong when I saw my older brother's picture on the screen. I answered the call and received the news that our father had been murdered in his home. I was in shock, numb, in disbelief, and devastated wasn't even close to describing it. I maintained my composure through the call but when I hung up and the heaviness of the words I had just repeated hit me, I crumbled.
With tears running down my face, I called my mom and told her. She was on her way immediately. During the time that my mom was driving to my house I sat in the middle of my bed, cried and prayed, prayed and cried, and just tried to make sense of what I had just heard. The days that followed were some of the hardest days I've walked through emotionally. The hardest days for my entire family. While trying to make arrangements for my father the church we had planned to use let us down and tried to capitalize on our grief for personal gain, we got a phone call that my grandaddy wasn't expected to make it much longer, and then my sister in law's grandmother went into cardiac arrest. Fast forward to the funeral and it was more of the same.. got a call that my grandmother was being rushed to the hospital in Lexington, a lady had a stroke during the visitation, and a fight broke out in the hallway. After all of that, we made it through the service, got on the road home and headed straight to the hospital to check on my granny. She was ok, but the following day we got a call about grandaddy. By Monday evening, he and my sister in law's grandmother had transitioned. We prepared ourselves for another round of services, wrote obituaries, gathered pictures and celebrated beautiful lives.
The following week I walked into an appointment and told the lady I was glad to be having a normal week, only to return to my office to find out that my cousin had been murdered. So once again we prepared ourselves to lay a loved one to rest, rallied around the family to show love and support, and cried out to God. I didn't think it was ever going to end... I felt like we were stuck in a bad loop and my heart was going to burst if one more thing happened. We barely had time to grieve for one person before being hit with the pain of losing another.
Through all of this my sustaining power was the word of God. If I had never known Him as a keeper before I know him now! I was reunited with Jehovah Shalom and Jehovah Shammah during this time too because He was here and He was my only peace. Looking back, I know God is the only way my mind didn't fall apart and still hasn't. I'm fortunate to be surrounded by amazing friends and family who who know how to pray without asking a lot of questions. So when I send a text that says "please pray now", they just go into prayer without an interrogation. God knows who to send into your life and when you'll need them most.
Here we are in May and I'm just now at a point where I'm getting back to what seems to be myself. It's till different, but I'm managing and coping one day at a time. I always keep my favorite scripture, Romans 8:18, in the back of my mind when I'm going through and this year made it so much more personal.
For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
About a week ago I was talking to God about some things and He prompted me to study the number 15. As I began to study I found out that the words used to represent 15 when written meant new direction. I began to think about all of the things that have happened this year and how my life has changed. It's definitely going in a new direction, but in a good way. I've felt like Job at times but then I remember even he was blessed with double at the end of his trials & tests. I'm excited about my new direction!!
