The level of weariness I've felt in my Spirit has been beyond exhausted. I feel like I've been fighting and fighting then falling into my corner of the ring and having to jump right back up and fight before I can get a sip of water or catch a breath.  Every area of my life is in a transitional phase right now and seems so cloudy.

I have to move,  work has been super crazy, relationship drama,  and financial issues all at once. It's very overwhelming and I'll be honest and say down right discouraging.  There have been nights where I have prayed and cried myself to sleep because I just don't have the words or mental capacity to accurately express what I'm feeling.  God has buckets and buckets of my tears stored up for July.  Maybe even a whole semi truck full.  I don't think I've ever been as stressed out as I have been over the past few weeks.  

I honestly had to question if I still believed a few times.  I was praying and seeking God, asking in faith and believing for the things I've asked for and ... NOTHING!  I've been frustrated and felt like my prayers were in vain.  Don't even let me mention the isolation... Even though I have people, this month the theme had to be "one is the loneliest number"

I had a talk with my co-worker and she told me not to confuse what's happening in the natural with what God is doing in the spirit. I took it in but didn't really process it at the moment.  I went home and prayed later that night and God reminded me of a dream I had a few years ago.  I was standing on a third floor balcony watching tornadoes tear up everything in their path.  They never sucked me up, but God put me at the center of the storm. I found myself standing inside the storm, smack dab in the middle.  Everything around me was swirling in chaos, but I was calm and completely still.  

I needed to find that place.  I was reminded that God does some of His best work in the midst of chaos (check out Genesis).  I had to get back to the place of peace in the midst of the storm and that could only happen in worship.  I walked into church on Sunday with a million things on my mind. My spirits were down, I was distracted, and my mind was so far from worship that I wasn't even there.  I stood at my seat and sang along on autopilot not even taking in the words I was singing.  I felt empty and tired and let down.  I watched as about a thousand other people sang, danced, and praised God.  There I stood, a spectator.  

Then I looked to my left and saw the young man who was in the seat beside me.  He was lost in worship.  head thrown back, a bright beautiful smile on his face, hands racing towards the heavens and belting out his song of praise.  I watched him intently for a few minutes and then I had to shake myself.  I felt like the Grinch when his heart grew.  I remembered that no matter how I felt, God was till worthy of praise, still deserving of honor and adoration.  It wasn't about me anymore, but simply giving God what was due Him.

In that moment everything shifted.  I cast down every thought that was bombarding my mind and reminded Satan that he was an unwelcome intruder.  I began to really sing the words of the song and make it personal.  Each word became my war cry and I was deep in the throws of battle.  I poured out my praise and God poured out His spirit.  I added more tears to that tanker, but these tears were different.  These were the tears you cry when you're hurting and curled up in your daddy's arms and he gently whispers, "it's OK, Daddy's here".  But my tears were loud travails, choked up murmurings, and a language that He and I alone share...

I walked out of the building ready to be the church again.  I had new determination and reassurance.  No matter what was going on, I would be OK.  My Daddy had it handled.  I can't say it was smooth sailing because Sunday night some of those old feelings and frustrations came back.  Monday morning brought a whole new delivery of frustration and overwhelming issues, but I was calm.  That exchange in worship was my filling station.  I was full and ready for the 8th month and all of my new beginnings!