One of the many things I've learned over the past few years is that just because there's a scab on something, doesn't mean it's healed. When I had my first spider bite it was pretty nasty. The hole in my leg was so deep I could stick my finger in it. After it was cut open and packed it began Healing from the inside and the outside at the same time. A layer of skin grew over and closed the hole in my leg but it still wasn't healed on the inside. I had to go pull that layer of dead skin off and leave the hole exposed so that the wound could heal from the inside out.. Each day I had to clean the wound out and apply Neosporin... I had to expose it, clean it, oil it... expose it, clean it, oil it... expose it clean it oil it... every day for several weeks.
I don't know if anybody else has been on God's operating table for open heart surgery but I just found out I was on the table in the middle of a marathon surgery. When God began to show me the condition of my heart He reminded me of a word that I received during prayer. When I visited my hometown the pastor was praying for me and he said that my heart had been broken over many a thing but God allowed it. There are so many places where I'm still healing and some places where I hadn't even begun to heal because I hadn't given them to God. A few days ago God told me I had to allow Him to heal all of the broken pieces of my heart or I would never be able to give it in love to my husband. SO here we are...
I've been on the operating table ever since. God has been calling things out, showing me where I still have hurt, still have pain, have unforgiveness that wasn't identified, still have grief and unfinished mourning. He let me see that I was bitter about some things and felt cheated in some areas and had some anger over things that had happened to me. Sometimes we think we've dealt with a thing and we really haven't. We just pushed it down, covered it up with other stuff or sucked it up and kept pushing through the hurt and pain. The surprising thing was unforvigeness. I have a really hard time staying mad at people, even when I want to sometimes. So when God said you still have unforgiveness in your heart over this, I was shocked. I had to really look at that thing that He exposed and see it for what it was.
2015 was a year of great accomplishment for me in ministry but a year of even greater loss. Within a span of 3 weeks we buried my father, grandfather, my 20 year old cousin, and my sister in law's grandmother. I was crushed, beyond devastated and really kind of numb. I had just lost one of my dear friends over the holidays and and watched one of my close friends lay her sister and grandmother to rest. I felt like we just couldn't catch a break. My heart was broken... I felt like I had been robbed. Like someone had snatched my precious things from me... You don't heal from things like that overnight.. in a few months, or even years sometimes. I can't tell you all of the details now but know they're coming soon...
It's not an easy thing when God shows you that your heart is tattered and the tape that was holding it together isn't sticky anymore. So as I've been dealing with every place He's identified I've been feeling a lot of things. Some things have been so heavy that I felt physical pain as He ministered to me and healed me of those hurts. One day I woke up and got out of bed to say my prayers and nothing would come out but tears. I cried for two hours straight, just weeping... a deep painful cry. I cried so hard and uncontrollably I had to call a friend and ask for prayer. I couldn't even explain where it came from or why. That whole day I found myself fighting back tears but I pressed through the day. The thing is, when you're an intercessor sometimes it's hard to tell when you're carrying your own burdens and feeling your own feelings or if you're feeling for someone you've been burdened to pray for.
That was the beginning of my healing! I think I cried all the tears I'd held in or failed to cry during other times when I'd been hurt or felt a sense of loss. It isn't easy when God does surgery on you and you don't get to be asleep like Adam was. So every day I have to make the choice to endure my process of healing. Just like the quote at the top of the page says.. Healing is not an overnight process, it's a daily cleansing of pain, it is a daily healing of your life.
So just like that spider bite, I have to keep allowing God to expose the wounds, cleanse me of the hurt/pain/bitterness/loss/unforgiveness/etc, and applying that healing balm called Jesus... Expose the wound, cleanse it, apply the oil of the Lord... expose the wound, cleanse it, apply the joy of the Lord... expose the wound, cleanse it, apply the love of Christ... expose the wound, cleanse it, and apply the anointing that destroys yokes... and eventually it'll begin to heal from the inside out and all of the pieces will come back together again.
Not only does my heart have to be whole to give to my husband, but God is requiring me to be whole for the next phase of ministry. I'm being pressed to produce oil for the season to come which is painful, but I'm being made whole in the process. The anointing that will be on this next release will be different because of what I had to endure, the cost of the oil is great but well worth it. I pray this has blessed somebody. If you're in your process be encouraged, His grace is sufficient.
