Each of us has, at some point, behaved badly towards the people we love. I’m not referring to anything physical or severe, but we all have hurt someone’s feelings with a sharp word when we’ve been in a bad mood. Or we’ve overlooked something that’s important to them because we were wrapped up in ourselves.

There are thousands of ways to cause emotional pain, but only one way to begin making up for it. However, “I’m sorry” is difficult for a lot of people to say.

Of course, people hurt us, too. And if we decide to wait for those three little words, we might also wait forever.

Writing in Meditations, stoic Marcus Aurelius advises us to expect that people will sometimes let us down. It isn’t pessimistic to do so, but simply a reality of life. Although stoics aim to project their most ethical and compassionate selves into the world, they must also accept that other people come in all forms of personality, temperament and ego.

Stoics don’t expect everyone they encounter to be like them. They’re concerned only with their own behaviour. And so, they prepare themselves.

When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling,  ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognised that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own—not of the same blood or birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Instead of focusing on behaviour outside of us, we’re reminded that all we need is inside of us: A sense of gratitude for what’s good and right in the world, and life itself. An understanding that things can’t possibly always go our way, so we accept when they go in a different direction.

Several principles and philosophies in business and psychology are based on a 90/10 or 80/20 rule. It goes something like this: Life is 10 percent what happens to you, and 90 percent how you respond. Tweak the math whichever way you’d like, but the idea remains the same. You can’t control that 10 percent, but it’s a minor part of your life. A full 90 percent of it is up to you.

The stoic knows that worry and anxiety over virtually anything is a complete waste of time. So is trying to figure out someone else’s motivation.

Choose not to feel harmed

Students of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) are taught how to depersonalize the behaviour of others by giving them an “out.” For example, if someone drives past you at a dangerous speed and their car almost clips yours, it’s possible they’re just a jerk. But it’s also possible that they’re rushing someone who’s critically ill to a hospital.

Stoics also choose to take the more compassionate point of view. It removes our ego from the action and reminds us that we have no control over it. It’s really not about us.

When people injure you, ask yourself what good or harm they thought would come of it. If you understand that, you’ll feel sympathy rather than outrage or anger. Your sense of good and evil may be the same as theirs, or near it, in which case you have to excuse them. Or your sense of good and evil may differ from theirs. In which case they’re misguided and deserve your compassion. Is that so hard?

Marcus Aurelius

Marcus Aurelius also writes that a so-called bad thing is really a good opportunity. After all, it’s only bad if we say it’s so. Instead, we can just as easily reframe an event as something positive. We weren’t run off the road by the careless driver. We maintained our composure, thereby not upsetting ourselves or our passengers. We arrived safely at our destination.

It’s unfortunate that this has happened. No. It’s fortunate that this has happened, and I’ve remained unharmed by it—not shattered by the present or frightened of the future. It could have happened to anyone. But not everyone could have remained unharmed by it. … So, remember this principle when something threatens to cause you pain: the thing itself was no misfortune at all; to endure it and prevail is great good fortune.

Good fortune to endure potential harm? Absolutely. Because bad things will always happen to good people—to all people—and surviving them will always mean good fortune.

Now, about the apology you might think you’re due. That, like everything else, will either come or it won’t. Stoics accept apologies with grace and offer them easily and without reservation, when appropriate. When it’s delivered from the ego, an “I’m sorry” is difficult to part with. But when it’s given from the heart, it’s easy.

However, stoics don’t ruminate over their misbehaviour or give it great meaning, except as an indication that there’s room for improvement. And they understand that the poor behaviour of others only means they have room for improvement, too. Whether or not they realize it or take any action to fix it—that’s for them to decide.

“Choose not to be harmed—and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed—and you haven’t been.” – Aurelius

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image 1: kalhh; image 2: Александр Мартинкевич

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