Narcissism has become quite a buzz term over recent years, and has led many to believe that we are capable of diagnosing others quite frivolously. The influx of self-proclaimed “psychologists,” however, does not negate the truth of the disorder or the prevalence of how it affects relationships.

This article has been written to explain what narcissism is, when it becomes a problem, and the cycle, as well as tips for how to recover if you find yourself enmeshed in this dynamic. I believe that it is helpful to educate ourselves, learn how to keep ourselves safe, exit situations that aren’t serving us, and move forward from the experiences armed to decrease the risks of reliving our negative patterning in the future.

Accepting and holding onto an ideology can be as toxic and damaging as continuing to live it out with another person.

What is narcissism?

Quite simply, narcissism is a personality trait that is marked by an inflated sense of importance, a need for attention and admiration, a sense of entitlement and a tendency to exploit others. The term is rooted in Greek mythology after Narcissus, who was an attractive young man on a journey to find Love.

This is a fitting and normalizing fact, as we all possess this trait to some degree. After all, is it not the basis of the human condition to be chasing after love from others—as a means of proving our worth, that we are enough, that we have value, and ultimately, that we will not be left behind when it comes to our survival? Are most of us not looking outside of ourselves to become whole?

When is it a problem?

This trait becomes a problem when it develops into Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a condition that affects three to five percent of the population (although these numbers are increasing steadily since the start of the internet age) and surrounds an individual’s relationship with their sense of Self. The disorder is characterized when the above expressions are intensely magnified and become extreme, exaggerated or grandiose.

When we reach these levels, there is a complete lack of empathy for others. The individual will lack the ability to reflect on constructive criticism, and will perpetuate toxic abuse patterns to protect themselves and destroy anyone who seems to be a threat.

It is important to note that the levels of violence and damage differ per person and per relationship. They may include any percentage of mental, emotional, physical, sexual, financial or spiritual abuse; however, there is always a similar structure to the cycle.

Narcissistic abuse: The Power-Control cycle

The Power-Control cycle is strategically defined (consciously or unconsciously) to protect the narcissist’s fragile sense of self by decreasing their risk of vulnerability and maximizing their control over others. There are four notable stages to this process.

Idealization

The Idealize stage occurs when the narcissistic individual plants the seeds for you to connect, bond, fall in love and essentially become dependent on them. Once they feel confident that you are hooked or deem you a threat, the other stages will follow from here.

The Idealize stage is like “the honeymoon.” You can say and do no wrong, and you are revered as the most beautiful and special person on the planet. You can expect all your needs to be met, above and beyond. You can expect to receive so much attention—physically, mentally and emotionally—and to be lavished materialistically and intimately.

Devaluation

The Devalue stage is when all the praise and love is ripped away and replaced with disappointment and disgust. It leaves the receiver confused and in shock, wondering what they did to lose all the respect and adoration they had. It also leaves them desperately trying to please their ‘other,’ or hyper-fixated on what went wrong.

Discarding

The Discard stage follows the devaluation period, and often occurs when the narcissistic individual has found a new source of supply and the old supply is worthless to them. They often violently, or unexpectedly and callously, throw away their ‘other’ without warning.

Hoovering

The last stage is the Hoover stage, when the narcissist will return in hopes of reasserting power through a variety of methods. These could include crying, guilting, blaming or begging, if not a potent mosaic of them all, until the target decides to go no-contact or the narcissist permanently discards them. Often, we can spend a lifetime in this cycle. The narcissist has no real desire to exist differently, as the cycle allows their needs to regularly be met.

8 ways to pick up the pieces

Tap into the love that was there all along

That magic you felt, the sparks that flew, the passion that was ignited that drew you towards this person was actually them reflecting your own inner beauty back to you. It had nothing to do with them and everything to do with the innateness that you already are, but perhaps struggle to see.

In this way, another’s narcissism can become a gift, as it illuminates all the light within us, all the love we have to give others. They reflect back to us all our intrinsic values, our whole authentic heart and our truest self, while hoping to lure us into their web so they can benefit from these things.

Often, this is a technique that’s used so we believe they are the person we have been waiting for. They show us how alike the two of us are, and build the illusion of a deep connection and bond, so we will become dependent and entangled with them in the power-control journey to come.

The truth of this is that love is within us; it is a birthright that cannot be taken or earned, but is always ours. Tap into that love, feeling it just as you did in that relationship, and then see yourself where they sat. Being able to send this much love to ourselves may seem difficult at first, but I highly recommend making it a regular practice.

Remove the rose-coloured glasses and stop the “if only”

Using your valuable energy by ruminating on (and bartering about) how to change the outcome of this type of relationship will do nothing except burn you out and waste your valuable resources. Many of these individuals who are prone to narcissism are not conscious of their own patterns. It is a patterning of deep fear and protection, and to challenge it would be to challenge their very existence, while threatening their safety and survival.

There is absolutely nothing that you can do to change the outcome, unless you would like to sacrifice yourself indefinitely at their hands. The only choice is to make yourself small and compliant, over and over again, but even then they will become bored and leave you. These relationships are not built for you to have any control or choice. It is not a mutual exchange, as you may have once believed, but instead is parasitic.

Healing requires removing the rose-coloured glasses that suggest what could, should or would have been, and accepting exactly what is. It is also important to know that the narcissist may appear to be making great strides to keep you. They may enter counselling, join hobbies you like so it appears they’re making you a priority, or lavish you with expensive items or romantic vacations. At the end of the day, this will be a short-term fix, just part of the game, and the final chapter of the story will eventually look as expected.

The truth is that narcissism has not been proven to have any type of cure or effective management strategy, as it is a disorder of the personality. It is entangled in the core of the being. It is best to see things as they are, cut your losses and send these people love from a distance.

Cultivate compassion

Cultivating compassion for yourself and the other individual is an essential piece of recovery. I do realize that with some of these individuals and relationships, things can become quite damaging or violent, and offering forgiveness of any type might seem impossible.

Developing compassion does not mean that you have to forgive, or that you are saying what occurred was OK or appropriate. Instead, it creates space for healing to occur, for the grief and trauma to move and soften inside us rather than filling us to the brim.

Both deep empathy and deep narcissism are birthed from traumatic experiences early in life, when we had to learn how to survive some abnormal, difficult circumstances that were beyond our capabilities at the time. Our systems are very intricate, adaptable and wise when it comes to our survival, and especially as children, we have little conscious or cognitive say in the ‘hows.’

One child could face trauma and survive by making others the priority, sacrificing their needs, bypassing the self and developing a heightened level of empathy, and another child could face the same trauma and focus on the self only, learning how to manipulate the environment to take care of themselves. They are both wounded. Neither asked for the response they would receive, and both deserve compassion for the thing they didn’t choose but will be their legacy.

Take back your power

These relationships are all about power dynamics. How much or how little of this occurred in your relationship can vary significantly, depending on how much someone took before you realized they were feeding. But they were most certainly feeding, as each person in a narcissist’s life is about how much they can supply.

Supply can vary, but if you were chosen for an intimate relationship and they stuck around for a while, you can guarantee you are a prime, juicy candidate. There is power in knowledge, and when you are feeling strong enough, this is a great opportunity to learn more about yourself and others.

Reviewing your boundaries and what might have made you vulnerable, without accepting blame for the events or taking on victimhood, is an essential step to moving forward. Education can help you prevent this type of dynamic in the future, and it has the potential to give you grand possibilities for acquiring greater awareness and an awakening you may never have imagined.

In one of my experiences, I was pushed onto my Yoga mat, which led to an intense journey inward, when I had previously been looking outside for direction throughout most of my life. I was so used to these self-imposed barriers, that somehow I was blindly being led by a deeply embedded childhood belief system. I ended up becoming a Yoga teacher throughout that process, and it is now a lifestyle for me to follow my inner compass, a skill I am so grateful for.

Be patient and drop any expectations of your healing journey

Right now, it might be impossible to feel anything remotely good arising from what has occurred. There may be a longing to ignore it, not to “dwell,” and to just move forward and feel better. If this is available for you, you are one of few. For most of us, it feels more like a significant dismantling and fragmentation. We have just hit the largest, most solid iceberg of all time, and our vessel is doing everything to sink to the bottom of the coldest, most vast ocean.

It may feel like it was all taken away in the blink of an eye, but this iceberg didn’t really come from out of nowhere. It is so large because we failed to see the signs that preceded it. That “one massive blow” was a lifetime in the making, and it will take some time to heal. Beneath the surface of that snow-capped peak lie the roots of our own inner foundation, including our belief systems, our values, our nervous system’s health, our previous traumas, the coping mechanisms that have protected us, and our ability to be resilient.

Tread lightly through this period, giving yourself the option of using radical acceptance to surrender to the reality of the magnitude of the repair that’s necessary to return you to wholeness. Let go of the expectation that you could walk away unscathed and easily return to the person you were before you experienced such a thing. There is no going back at this point, but there is a healing journey to move forward. Move as slowly as necessary, and be gentle, because you deserve it.

Learn how you default and allow space for grief

For me, narcissistic injury felt like all the parts of me were scattered about as wounded casualties of the catastrophe. I was fearful of losing them, but I was also determined not to. At this point, one of two selves would show up. The one who just ignored the fact that the incidents had occurred and drastically overextended to pick up all the pieces and keep going, or the one who succumbed to the injury, felt overwhelmed and proceeded to dive into deep depression.

It is valuable to become acquainted with your default selves and learn loving ways to be there when they surface, because both, in their own way, are fighting and attempting to protect us. The over-extender is avoiding what is while refusing to acknowledge the losses involved in the experience, because they feel it is too much and they don’t want to risk getting lost there. Instead, they use all their resources to save as much from the wreckage as possible, even if it means carrying some of the pieces around longer than necessary.

The succumbed self gives in too much to its story and over-feels. It victimizes itself, reliving the memory of when no one showed up and demanding that they show up now. As the succumbed self, a person relinquishes their own power, because they are afraid of failure and are tired of the responsibility always having been theirs. They are exhausted, feel hopeless and desperately desire to be rescued. To be rescued, for them, equates to their worth, their value and their livability.

Neither is creating space for grief; one is ignoring it completely, and the other is jumping past it to depression. Making space for the grief of the loss does not mean it was our fault. Making space for the grief of the loss does not mean that we are a victim. Instead, acknowledging the grief is giving ourselves permission to come to terms with what we had hoped for, what we can’t change and what will never be.

Many choose to ruminate about the situation, fight against it or barter, while remaining determined to change the outcome, for lifetimes. Yet, accepting the reality and feeling the loss is where we begin to regain and hold onto our power.

Trust the process

I speak my advice gently, as in the wrong tone, these words can come across much more aggressively than intended. We throw around the phrase “everything happens for a reason” loosely and often. And this is not what I am saying here. Sometimes shitty things just happen, and they shouldn’t have.

No one should have to sacrifice their peace, their health, their hopes, their dreams or their spirit because of something they didn’t choose. Trauma is unfortunate, it is devastating, it is a setback and it isn’t fair. It is, however, a fact of life and is unavoidable for most. There is significant loss and sadness involved.

What I am inviting here is to trust that from these things—these difficult, life-altering, catastrophic moments—something beautiful and unexpected can be birthed. We can choose to remain in the space of helplessness, hopelessness and despair, or we can choose to adjust our vision and look a little closer at the unexpected options that may now be available.

There is beauty in the broken, and sometimes it takes being cracked open to realize where we can improve ourselves to have better, fuller lives that are worth awakening to. If I had never experienced a fraction of what I have, I would never have done a fraction of what I have. Nor would I view the world in such an expansive, abundant, creative way.

Trust that this process is aligned to your highest good, and see what is worth nurturing as a result. In the words of the Sufi poet and philosopher Rumi, “When you let go of who you are, you can become who you might be.”

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