All my life, I was a functional zombie. I have a deep fear of people, due to childhood abuse of all kinds. I could interact with people, but not really. Just barely, to get by. I felt trapped, doing whatever without considering the consequences. I feel like I am now just waking up from a nightmare I created due to my combination of mental illnesses, including post-traumatic stress disorder.

I have struggled with mental illness all my life. I was not officially diagnosed until 2008, when I was 37 years old. In 2020, I got an additional diagnosis. In 2008, I was given Medication to manage my symptoms. However, I had a bad reaction to the medication; it made me aggressive and more unpleasant than usual. For a while, I have now had a good psychiatrist who works with me and makes changes to the medication as I need it. Hopefully, people find me more pleasant now. I am trying my best.

Vipassana

I remember the first time I tried to help myself, in 2004. I attended a Vipassana retreat. Ten days of no talking, no forms of communication with the other attendees, and minimal communication with the organizers. I was happy because I did not have the same intensity of fear as I did when I had to talk and look at people. Almost 12 hours of meditation a day. I had moments, from day five, when I felt like my soul detached from my body and observed me.

In Vipassana, one meditates with their eyes open. I cannot remember all the teaching, but I do remember how to meditate. Unfortunately, I have not been so diligent with mediating; I only meditate when I am unbearably stressed. I went back for another 11-day retreat, and another few times to be of service for a couple of days.

In Vipassana, there are certain things you do. Start with the breath. While you meditate, you need to pay attention to how your breath feels on the skin of your upper lip. You observe that sensation. You also observe the other sensations in your body. When you do that, the idea is not to react. Just observe. Your eyes stay open, but you are not looking for or at anything. You see without seeing.

It takes some time to get used to sitting still without having any reactions to the sensations in your body, as well as not having reactions to what is going on in the room while you meditate. At the same time, it is liberating.

In 2017, I moved back to Toronto. In 2018, I got a psychiatrist who thought my needs were not important. He added a medication that was so expensive, I just could not afford it. I had to rely on donations of the medication. As a result, I was not able to take the medication as I should have. I lost my job at one point, and could not get another one right away. So, I stopped taking medication and I went berserk. I destroyed my social, political, professional and personal life. I contacted past employers, colleagues and dear friends and told them all types of outrageous nonsense.

It has been a little over a year now since I started therapy with the proper medication, and I am looking back at the aftermath of an EF5-level tornado equivalent.

Cleaning up the mental tornado mess

In July 2021, I reached out to a psychiatrist. Even though I live in Toronto (he is in a different city), he agreed to see me. The process of cleaning up the Mental Tornado Mess began with our first meeting. I told him about my experience with psychiatric medication in a way I was unable to express before.

Unlike the Toronto doctor, he listened to me. He put me on medication that allowed me to manage my symptoms and not be angry or a zombie. Several months later, he added a second medication. Since July 2021, I have been able to make healthy changes where I can. Like the serenity prayer, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.” I am doing what I can to be a better version of myself.

All I can say is that yes, life can be uncomfortable. Yes, life can even sometimes be unbearable, for all types of reasons. It does not matter if you have a mental illness or not. What is possible is to get to a place where you seek solutions to help bring yourself happiness. And even if there are hardships with this happiness, there are ways to overcome the hardships. You need to have faith in yourself, and love.

I personally believe in God. That is my invisible anchor. Between Vipassana meditation and prayer, I find my way to joy and a better life of gratitude. For me, a good life is filled with love, health, joy, prosperity and safety.

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image 1 Dimitris Vetsikas from Pixabay 2 image by Joe from Pixabay 

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