Your bestie has a new beau and as much as you’d love to love him, you’re just not a fan.  That’s never an easy situation, especially if you’re used to spending a lot of time together.  On the one hand, you want your friend to have the kind of relationship she truly deserves; on the other, getting in the middle of someone’s relationship can be a real friendship killer.  

How do you handle it when you hate your best friend’s boyfriend?  What should you say — or should you say anything at all?  Here are some tips to help you work out the best path forward when you want what’s best for your friend … and it’s not him.

Should You Say Something?

You’ve been her ride-or-die (and vice versa) for years.  You’ve shared dreams, hopes, tears, laughs, clothes and just about everything else.  Of course you want your sister-from-another-mister to be happy, but you’ve got serious doubts about this new partner.  Maybe you think he’s taking advantage of her, or he doesn’t treat her as well as he should.  Maybe he has a terrible sense of humor.  Or maybe it’s something more serious and you’re really worried about her health and safety.  Deciding what to say and how to say it starts with figuring out if you actually should say anything at all.  

Start With a Fearless Conversation – With Yourself

True story: Your feelings about the new beau may have a lot more to do with you than with your friend.  Start by trying to put your finger on exactly what it is about her partner that makes you grit your teeth when you’re around them.  One Redditor, for example, couldn’t stand her friend’s boyfriend because he was a know-it-all, and spending time with him left her “emotionally drained.“  You might have political or lifestyle differences, or find that he reminds you of the ex you dumped two years ago.  

Or maybe you simply resent that he’s taking her time away from you.  While those may be worth having a conversation with your friend about, they’re a whole lot more of a you problem than a him problem.  

Bottom Line: Your friend is an adult who is entitled to make her own choices about relationships.  If your objections to her new partner fall squarely into the “I just don’t like him” category, consider setting your own boundaries to reduce your exposure to him while preserving your friendship with her.

Consider the Big Picture

You and your girl have some history that could shed more insight into what’s really going on.  Does she have a habit of making poor choices in men that leave you picking up the pieces when it all falls apart?  Does she thrive on the drama of high-stakes relationships because she routinely hooks up with guys that don’t fit her attachment style?  On the other hand, you may be spotting some real red flags that have you worried for her physical, mental or emotional health.  Some examples of worrying behavior include:

• She seems more withdrawn and less confident. 
• She’s taking risks she typically wouldn’t take. 
• She’s always lending him money.  
• She doesn’t ever have time for her friends anymore. 
• She seems unhappy most of the time. 

Bottom Line: If you see signs that make you think she’s in an abusive relationship, you can get confidential, anonymous advice and help by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). 

Do Some Research

So you’ve put your finger on a few things that make you suspicious of your friend’s new beau’s honesty or intentions.  You might wonder if she’s being catfished, being scammed or getting involved with a married man or serial cheater.  In this case, a little digging might be in order to confirm your suspicions before you bring them up to your friend.  Spokeo People Search tools are a good way to do a quick search using her beau’s name, email address, phone number — even his social media and dating profile handles to uncover the truth about him.

Get Ready to Talk — or Let It Go

So back to real talk — talking to your best friend about her current Mr. Right is risky, even if you’re right about him.  Especially if you’re right.  There’s a reason for the phrase “kill the messenger,” after all.  There’s a good chance she won’t thank you for pointing out his flaws.  

There are three very good reasons for having a conversation with your friend about your dislike of her new partner:

1. You have reason to be concerned for her physical, emotional or financial safety. 
2. You can’t hide your dislike of him and/or don’t want to be around him. 
3. You want to validate her own feelings and assure her that you’ll be there for her, no matter what.

How to Talk to Your Friend About a Problem Boyfriend

Talking to someone you love about someone they love is never easy, but you can smooth some of the awkwardness by paying attention to a few simple tips. 

Choose the right setting

It should go without saying that this is a conversation to have face-to-face rather than through text or DMs.  There’s a lot more to communication than just words, and sitting down together allows you to catch nuances you might otherwise miss.  Since things could get emotional and messy, you want to be in a place that’s private, safe and comfortable for both of you.

Get consent first

Getting consent is important any time you approach an emotionally loaded subject, and “I hate your boyfriend” is about as emotionally loaded as it gets.  Instead of diving right in and unloading your concerns, start with something like, “Hey, can we talk about your boyfriend a little?”  Whatever her answer is, accept it.  Remember, the first rule of consent is “no means no.”  If she says, “I’d rather not,” say OK and move on.  

Approach the topic delicately

It may be tempting to just lay into the guy, but a full-frontal attack is likely to spark a defensive response in your friend, even if she’s already having the same concerns.  Instead, focus on “I” statements: “I’m not comfortable with the way he treats you in public and it’s hard for me to hold my tongue about it when he cracks hurtful jokes,” for example.  If she regularly vents to you, you can say something like, “This keeps coming up, and I just want to know how I can help you deal with it.”

Speak for yourself

Sure, you’re probably not the only one who’s noticed these things, but leave others out of the conversation.  They have a right to decide whether or not to express their feelings in their own conversation, and your friend has a right not to wonder who else is judging her relationship silently.

Listen

Conversations are a two-way street, so be sure to give her the right-of-way, too.  Be prepared to keep your cool, no matter her reaction.  Listen to what she has to say openly, and avoid arguing or trying to refute her points.  Instead, let her know that you hear her, and you’re here for her if she ever wants to talk. 

Let it marinate

Once you’ve raised your concerns, let it go.  Your friend is an autonomous adult, and her choices are her own to make, even if you think they’re a big mistake.  The flaws that bother you may not be deal-breakers for her, and your only choice is to accept her choice.  And whatever you do, if she does eventually dump her problematic beau, never, ever say, “I told you so.”

There’s nothing abnormal or unusual about not liking your best friend’s romantic partner, but it’s important to remember that she gets to make her own choices.  If you think he’s engaging in something truly nefarious, Spokeo can help you learn more about him.  Otherwise, you may just have to let it go and let her enjoy her love life. 

Note: Just to reiterate — if you believe your friend is involved in an abusive relationship, you can get confidential, anonymous advice and help by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). 

Sources:

• Everygirl – I Hate My Best Friend’s Partner.  What Do I Do?
• Wondermind – How to Say “You Deserve Better” to a Friend in a Bad Relationship
• Reddit – I Hate My Best Friend’s Boyfriend – A Rant