Hi, I’m Misaki Reika. You would probably scroll past this post or not even bother clicking this post, because that’s how every single person I know in real life does. What more if I’m just someone you met over the internet or just some random girl that posted something on her blog, right?

My story is.. pretty ordinary. I live with my parents, two of my nieces, and my nephew. Yes, I am 27 and I’m still living with my parents. But don’t worry. I’m also a provider. I have four siblings and I’m the youngest, which makes us 5.

My brother is already married and has his own family so he already moved out, same with my Sister that lives in another country to work for her kids, she’s like the bread-winner of the family (my parents are already too old to work). My sister after her already has her own family as well and runs her own business while her husband is away from abroad.

My sister after her.. I can’t even talk about her but she helps us with.. house chores? Anyway, she’s also married and they’re always around the house.. which, admittedly, makes me stressed.. not because I don’t want them here, but because she depends on everyone. Including me, and yes. I’m younger than her. But that’s really not the reason why I’ve written this.. “story.”

I was 130 KG before, and as we all know, most “fat” people either get ignored for being big and unattractive or gets a lot of attention because they’re big. I lost weight.

Why? I’ll make a story about that.. if you care or even took the time to read this because I know you won’t.

So, I lost weight. I am down to 58 KG, gained some attention, and even learned how to dress the way I couldn’t dress before. I was complimented but it also made me sad because people would really treat you differently with how you look like. My friends are very supportive and I am grateful for them, but honestly, sometimes I ask myself; who are my real friends?

You see, I am invisible because people chose to ignore me. I know it’s their choice. Not because I’m untalented because I refuse to believe I don’t have a talent. I sing. I used to sing a lot when I was a kid, but I was bullied because my teachers would always pick me and my classmates would always make me feel like I’m never enough. How would you feel if you were chosen as the center person on your graduation song but your classmates pushed you out of the spot so they could place someone they prefer. Yes. That hurt. So if you’re the people that pushed me; thank you.

It was painful that I had to stop singing because I thought I’ll never be good at it. That I’ll never be enough. I had to stop something I really love and that really hurt. I was always confident with the way I sing and even how my voice sounds like. I used to join competitions and won awards, too. “Oh, you shouldn’t let their opinions get to you.” Yes, but the thing is, I was 9.. or maybe 10. I was a kid. And I was taught by my parents to always listen to people’s words unless they’re a stranger, then that’s a no-no.

My Elementary classmates were like my brothers and sisters because we all grew up together. So opinions mattered a lot to me. So I went to art because I want to be good at something.

Before I continue, I’m the type of person who isn’t really good at her studies. I’m terrible at Math. I used to be so bad at English, and I know I still am. I love Science, but only recently did I actually understood most of the topics we studied before. So people look at me as someone who’s “stupid” or “slow.” Because when we had this group contest and I knew what the answer to the question was, no one listened to me because apparently, it’s only “Reika.”

I don’t confront people because I’m a coward so I turned to art. I used to love anime way back when I was younger. But every time I try to draw, people would always ask me why I’m drawing the same character, why her eyes are big, why is her hair like that, what kind of drawing is that? Like, I just can’t be good at anything. So I stopped.

I turned to cross-stitching but received a lot of doubts about the design that I choose and whatnot that I just got tired trying to be good at something because it seems like; no matter what I do, I will never be good at them.

There are just so many things that I want to write but I am still hurting. I blame myself because if I didn’t listen to them, then maybe I’m already at the place where I want to be.

I want to run a business but will people care to buy? I make my own videos and post it on YouTube but none of the people I know aside from a childhood friend watches them because she’s just a sweet person and she’s very supportive, which also makes me sad because the same people I’m talking about on this post looks down at her, too. 

I post videos so people could watch them for free, but no one does. What more if I try to sell something and they had to pay for it?