A Seasonal Check Up for Soi Cowboy

When you live in Bangkok you always have visitors popping through town who want you to show them the seamier side of the nightlife world here. On one such recent visit, three German dudes I know breezed through town and they told me, from the earliest possible moment onwards, that they had heard about “zat street zey call Zoi Cowboy, ja“. So I did my tour guide duty and brought them through the gnarly cesspool of depravity that exists just around the corner from the Sukhumvit MRT station exit, and hoped that they would leave impressed. Talk about strengthening diplomatic relations.

We started our night at Baccara, the place with 2 floors where the girls upstairs dance on a glass floor so that when you station yourself at the bar on the first floor, you can look up their little private school girl kilts and into their glistening honey pots. Yum! However the place was friggin’ packed that night! Not a seat to be found for three Dieters and a Fritz. So, we moved on up the street towards Lighthouse. Some of the gals were pretty cute—both outside on on the stage inside—but personally I was just as enamoured with the drink specials. Soi Cowboy, and all the Bangkok red light districts, keep jacking up their alcohol prices. I mean, to buy a drink here you need to be as rich as… well… a German tourist.

After Lighthouse we moved on over to Suzie Wong’s, a place I always take out-of-towners. Every night at 10pm they start in with a fabulous floor show that includes lesbian UN-simulated sex acts (they are 100% lickin’ each other coochies oh readers!), as well as fluorescent erotic body painting—don’t miss seeing that—and various other naughty escapades. The girls are also pretty hot for the most part, and titties are definitely shown. The drink prices are stiff, however, at about 180 THB for a regular beer (over $5).

Walking back the way we came in we passed by a lot of other sights that to me are pretty run-of-the-mill by now, but as for my Germanic cadre… they were poppin’ the buttons on their lederhosen. What did amaze me, however, was the appearance of a fuckin’ restaurant on Soi Cowboy! A proper goddamn restaurant!! I couldn’t believe it. Zee gentrification iz beginnink my frenz! Thankfully the place was empty, so maybe they’ll go out of business soon, but somehow I think that won’t be the case. Ugh! This city is changing in so many ways, and almost none are for the better.

So upon leaving Soi Cowboy I convinced my tipsy teutonic trio that one more stop was in order. I took them just around the corner to Crazy House, a notoriously naughty club that can always be relied on to show more nudity and depraved behaviour than all the other bars in this ‘hood combined. Zat vass crazy! they said when I finally pulled them out, their beer addled minds no doubt starting to fantasize about 1920s Berlin…