Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 9:36 AM
I don't want to go down on you and fuck you one more time, I want to go down on you and fuck you a hundred times. It never occurred to me that oral sex was an acceptable form of apology. That actually sounds like some republican congressman's idea of how to react in that situation. I was looking for a long term relationship with you. There really was no point in one last time. It isn't like you "needed" it. The pleasure I took was not from how you touched me but that YOU touched me. That vibe was broken.
From: K<[email protected]
To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX Hey,
Thanks for writing back. I didn't think you would. Maggie will probably be mad at you for doing so.
They stand for HFnotmyGanymore and notsoSnotsoYnotyourBanymore. It seemed like a clever idea at the time I wrote it.
I am a man. I would have continued to "deal" with you. You are gorgeous and a fantastic lover. I am in awe of you. I have been looking for my whole life to find someone like you with a different background and perspective. Seeing the exhibit at the Rubin with you was a dream come true. As you may have slowly been learning, you had me at Iran. I was always afraid you would figure that out and think I was a freak.
Emotional abuse doesn't affect me. I am not vulnerable. My family steeled me against it. I don't feel sorry for myself. I had an amazing opportunity and I will never forget the time we spend together. Not forgetting though includes being called gay and having you storm out of bed insulting me. I would have again failed to please you and that would have been that. I had no idea what you were thinking. I could have never expected what ultimately happened.
You were acting very strangely. Your kisses were insincere. It seemed like you were mocking me. You didn't touch me the way you usually do. Then when I was opening the champagne, you touched me and your hands were ice cold. And I don't mean from the bottle. I mean your blood went cold. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I had to turn away so you weren't behind me anymore. You felt my hands, they weren't just shaking, they were hot and sweaty. I recognized it as an ambush. The guile you displayed in setting me up like that was frightening (and famously Persian). I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Note that it will be my fantasy for the next 50 years. Exactly as you described it. You really looked hot in that little black outfit and your gorgeous black hair. I really wanted to brush it. I regret never having that pleasure.
We moved too quickly. Trust requires lots of tests over long periods of time. It requires things to look really bad and then find out it isn't bad. It has to exist before it is tested, and we never reached that point. I never earned it from you so I don't expect it. I am not speaking to women on AM, I am not meeting women on AM, I am not getting email from AM or women on AM. I have never sent gifts on AM, they are really expensive and just so you know, they aren't real! I haven't checked my account. I never took it down, I never put it back up. My only interaction with them is the constant spam that I get for canadian pharmaceuticals and the two times I have had to call them to remove random charges from my credit card statement. I don't claim honesty as a virtue. Neither do I claim fidelity as a virtue I possess. They are things I practice consistently out of laziness. It allows for a certain peace of mind at moments like this. Of course, entering into this relationship punctured that in a way I can never recover.
I don't want to go down on you and fuck you one more time, I want to go down on you and fuck you a hundred times. It never occurred to me that oral sex was an acceptable form of apology. That actually sounds like some republican congressman's idea of how to react in that situation. I was looking for a long term relationship with you. There really was no point in one last time. It isn't like you "needed" it. The pleasure I took was not from how you touched me but that YOU touched me. That vibe was broken.
I am sorry. I take the good with the bad. The former far outweighed the latter. Thanks for sharing your awesome with me.
Love,
Me
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Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 10:50 AMFrom: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX
To: K<[email protected] I am a tricky little bitch, but I only match my tricky little bastard. Don't for a moment think, unless you're completely insane, that I don't know who you are. You hide who and what you are from me and maybe from everyone even yourself, so I don't know you as well as I could, but I still do. This deny, deny, deny policy is a good one. I subscribe to it myself whenever I can, but it won't work with me. Why can't you just admit it and tell me why? Because you are a big bitch and you insulted me, because I was angry at you, because I wanted to find someone new to seduce, I get off on the seduction, or just someone like you but better? Well have you? I highly doubt it, as I don't think I will ever find someone like you. I still love you. I have no idea why? I must be completely insane, but God help me I do. I couldn't have faked all those tears, just how I think you couldn't have faked your hands shaking or how nervous you were at our initial meetings, or how adorable you were when we were watching porn together. You were sitting behind me, I glanced in the mirror, and you were peeking over my shoulder looking curious and slightly something like you've seen something new. If you're an avid porn watcher, you really got me there. I was happy it worked that night, and I was even happier that you didn't need it other times.
I don't think you get the fact that for me sex is an expression of love and trust. I wouldn't have had sex with you if I hadn't loved you. I only have sex with people I don't love for money : ) I should've asked you for a couple of hundred at least. I'm just kidding, but seriously, yes, all I know from my childhood is sex and money. A man who spends his money freely on you and who cares enough about you, not just himself, to please you in bed, loves you. It's that simple.
I don't know if you ever trusted me, but I did trust you. I was sold on the pretty words. But there were clues, the night of your gig, the fact that you never commented on a single link of music or comedy stuff I sent you. You probably never even opened them, or that you never bothered to see a movie I had liked to find out more about who I am as a person. And I ran and saw The Professional the minute you mentioned it. I listened to every song on your play list, and would've continued to do so.
I told you I'm not going anywhere, if you want me on your terms or no terms at all, then I can't keep you from walking away. We can't go back, but we can go forward, we can build trust perhaps even stronger because there is more reality and knowledge. We can start slowly, meet for a drink for an hour or so and see what we feel. It wasn't just the attraction, although that is still strong for me, it's the talking, the friendship, or what I thought was friendship, because although sexual parts can be interchangeable, friends certainly can't be.
I did like the new letters. It was clever, and sweet.
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Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 11:47 AMFrom: K<[email protected]
To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX What I want and what I can have are two different things. I want you. Wanting to please you isn't enough. It is all I want from you. If this were just about me getting off, I would do it myself. I do have to say that I enjoy having sex with you way more than I ever imagined so that gets a little confusing. I can't be responsible for what I do when you are giving me a hand job. I certainly can't concentrate.
Sex is an expression of love and trust for me as well. Sex was easy to find on AM. Ewwwwww. Never did that. I have never pressured you for sex. I know that the percentage of time we spend having sex is small relative to the time we spend together.
"who wouldn't forgive him for upon seeing such a beautiful human wishing he was a better man."
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Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 2:24 PMFrom: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX
To: K<[email protected]
I have never pressured you for sex. I know that the percentage of time we spend having sex is small relative to the time we spend together.
That is very true; I was always the one. You've said we moved too fast before, and perhaps that's true, but I had realized that we had a rare opportunity that I didn't know when we would have again, if ever with both of us completely free for the entire week-end. Perhaps we should've waited, but I was just crazy about you. We've been together for a while but you never told me anything about therapy, really. It's kind of good to not be a navel gazer, but know thyself is a wisdom, especially when not knowing makes interpersonal issues.
How is seduction really a sign of failure, please elucidate.
"who wouldn't forgive him for upon seeing such a beautiful human wishing he was a better man."
You have always known how to put a smile on my face. And yes you were right about that line on your face, it does only appear when you smile. I noticed that the last time. Although, I really appreciate you liking my culture, by now I wish you would see me as me, a person who happens to be a woman and happens to be Iranian, as opposed to an Iranian woman. A stereotype can be exciting but it's also dehumanizing. I admit, I at first saw you as a stereotype too, and it was really exciting but now I only see you as Kevin, I had liked to think my Kevin. I think there has been enough on both sides that we can trust, some we can't, and that's what we need to find out, can I learn to trust you completely again? Can you learn to stop being afraid of me ambushing you? I don't know. I'd like to find out. If you like, we can explore. We've had a lot of fun together outside the bedroom too. I know, I always stir us there, but I can be chaste : ) for a little while. We eat, we drink, we talk, we see. If you like.
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Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 3:02 PM From: K<[email protected]
To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX Hey HFmmG,
Seduction in and of itself is not failure. However, it would in this case mean that the existing relationship had failed. I hope to be done with the seducing part. I want to start working on trust and emotional connection. That is the more satisfying part.
You are right about the timing. We made the best choice then but now need to deal with the consequences. I was crazy about you too. Still am. Can I be SYB again please?
I see you as Roya. I am sure you are not a stereotype anyway. You are very complex and have a very unique life story. The culture is just another facet of you that I love. And not just Iran, but very different from my background. It challenges me to understand things from a different perspective.
I don't want to be chaste. I am beside myself with frustration. You looked so smoking hot on Tuesday. I am still having visions. I want to hold you in my arms and tell you I am sorry and I love you.
Any chance you have some time tomorrow? I am free all day.
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Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 4:49 PM From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX
To: K<[email protected] Hey HFmmG,
Let me see, would that be Hot Fucking maybe my Girlfriend?
Can I be SYB again please?
You never stopped. Like I said, I could be angry or even hate you at a given moment, but love doesn't just disappear. I think it's in its nature to fade rather than disappear abruptly. That's why they say hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is.
I want to hold you in my arms and tell you I am sorry and I love you.
I want to be in your arms. I love being in your arms. Any chance you have some time tomorrow? I am free all day.
You are free on a Friday? Well, SYB we're in luck because I get one kid back tomorrow at about 1 or 2 and hand them both off to another friend almost immediately, so I could meet you in the afternoon 3 or 3:30. Where would you like to meet? Do you want to go to the Met roof garden?XOXOXOX
HFG
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Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 5:19 PMFrom: K<[email protected]
To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX Hello HFdmG, Woohoo! I am SYB!!!!!!!!! Double woohoo! I get to see you tomorrow.
I love the Met. The roof garden would be nice. If we meet at the Met though, I can't hold you in my arms. I won't be able to apologize the way you wanted. Just sayin...
How late can you stay?
XOXXOXO
I LOVE YOU!
SYB
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Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 7:32 PM From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX
To: K<[email protected] Hello HFdmG,
would that be definitely my G?
I love the Met. The roof garden would be nice. If we meet at the Met though, I can't hold you in my arms. I won't be able to apologize the way you wanted. Just sayin...
I will meet where ever you like. So, you pick the place. I just assumed we're supposed to take it slow. I can stay probably until 7. Barney's has its annual warehouse sale on West 17th Street, so I can say I went there. I think they stay open until 9. I can make sure I meet you no later than 3, maybe I can pull off earlier if you like.
XOXOXO
vhashthhfgbSYB
Now you HAVE to tell me what this is?
I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU TOO.
SYHFG
______________________________________________________Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 7:58 PM
From: K<[email protected]
To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX Yes, definitely my Hot fucking girlfriend.
We should go slow. I could meet you at Barney's if you like. We could go shopping. The Met would be fun too. I need to be home at about 7. I have some private shopping to do.
3 will be fine. I will make a decision in the morning. For now, I am off to the gym.
Love you SMHFG,
sySYB
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Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 11:15 PM From: K<[email protected]
To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX Ooops, I left out the question marks. Would you like to go shopping? Or do you prefer the museum?
I can't read it, somehow it got obscured. It was something along the lines of so glad I am still yourSYB.
Karate was a lot of fun. Class was small, but all pretty good. My toe is fine. I will try to run on Saturday. That will be the real test.
How was your evening?
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Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 11:51 PM From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX
To: K<[email protected] We could do either. I rather go to the museum roof garden. I want to see the exhibit before it leave on 8/31 if not already. My sister in law's second cousin has done a part of it. I have no idea whether I will recognize which, but if I describe it to her she'll remind me. Also it sounds lovely to have a drink up there. They open at 4. We could talk.
Shopping at Barney's sale is kind of mayhem, but if you need work shirts, you might find some good deals. I'll just follow you anywhere you like to go. My evening was fine. Popo the Cameroonian girl was watching a reality show with Tony Braxton on WE, we were too polite hosts to just change the channel, besides we can't ever agree on what to watch. So, I escaped to my room.
Isabela has to read To Kill a Mocking Bird for school, so we were listening to it in the car on road trips, but I realized we won't finish it before school starts so she and I listen to it some afternoons in bed like today. It's so peaceful and lovely.
I love you.
XOXOXOXO
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Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 11:42 PM From: K<[email protected]
To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX We can't go to the Met tomorrow. Let's talk in the am. I love you. Sweet Dreams.
SYB
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Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 11:52 PM From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX
To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX Why can't we go to the met?
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Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 11:54 PM From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX
To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX What do YOU want to do tomorrow? If anything, we can't go to the met or we can't meet at all?.
