i make a lot of promises but i am going to make this one to myself. as a challenge to myself.

to stop. not should or it would be advisable....no I mean really it is not a choice here. if i was my mother i would be hard on myself.

so, i promise that i will not wait for you for anything, anymore. and i will stop thinking too. when your name comes up in my mind i will stop and ask myself why? why am i thinking of you when you are not thinking of me?

i am not young anymore to confuse a physical high with solid enduring love. and i am not 16 even though i act like i am with my passion and addiction to physical contact. a touch is wanted and felt in me. it opens my mind. makes me dream. i am sure there is a medical term for this disorder. and just because they depict crazy for love in the movies...even i know better. it's just that bullshit from the movies and it ain't real.

i am not going to think about you. anymore. because it takes too much out of me. and by you i mean all of you. i am not going to wonder if you are happy. i am not going to wonder if you love me. because it doesn't matter now does it? i am not going to ask if you and your wife are putting your house together into a home and i am not going to waste anymore time feeling bad that you are not here. it's your choice. and i respect that and frankly agree with you.

so what would i say to you if you were right here in front of me...so i can say it now and never come back to this point again...I would say...it was nice to meet you. you saved my ass once, maybe twice and i will always be grateful to you for that. you spoke to me and could carry on a conversation and could walk next to me in the street. and i liked that. you held me and heard me every time i woke up and moved to wrap your arms around me...i can't find words to tell you how much i needed that. you held me as i slept...no one has ever been able to make that comfortable...i fit with you...you were shy...you were unsure...you were a big know-it-all-know-nothing-at-all...it made me laugh. you wanted to tell me how women desire you...sure you need reassurance...you're confused by love...that's okay i am hurt by love and i believe in it...you have taught me a lot more and would have taught me more if you could have found your way to stay...i could love you. easily. my heart used to beat faster at the thought of you. and now it just sort of whimpers.

you said something once that still rings in me, so thank you for that. you said you can't judge anyone, you don't know his story or the million and one ways that each person reacts. we aren't the same. yeah. you're right.

i send you all my best. and i will wish you well especially on your big day. and despite the fact that i seem to hate you, i don't. i just am confused by you. and your million and one ways to say whatever it is you have said to me with your decisions.