i always feel like i can take on my life. i am not down on myself. he isn't mean and i don't feel like i "need" him. he gives me a perspective to things. told me that it looked to him that i had a 5 million dollar Allowance and now i was crying because i only had 2 million dollars for an allowance. i started laughing. he said, "see you know it' true or you wouldn't be laughing like this." he also said, 'even when there is no one you are still the friend of yourself. and you know you still have me." but i have me. it seems like such a strange idea that i have myself but i do. "and maybe it's not your fault. maybe it's theirs. why are you paying for it?"

can i say again and again that i love him. i love people. if i count now i love three people, as brothers and friends in my everyday life here. with him. there is an extra on me. i am letting what was die so something else...a real friendship can take its place without ever needing more. i knew that a long time ago. i said, "even if we don't work out i want to know you forever." i loved him when i didn't know i did. maybe because i didn't see.

he said something that i am still thinking about. he said...there are people who are afraid of emotions but you aren't one of them. you have the deepest emotional connection as a mother. and you are better than a good mother you are great. you give that everyday. you aren't afraid of emotions."

he's right. who am i kidding? when i say i am scared okay sure but i have to stop this nonsense that i am somehow incapable of love, giving and receiving. i am.