"Each time you Love, love as deeply as if it were forever
Only, nothing is eternal." -audre lorde

"My anger has meant pain to me but it has also meant survival, and before I give it up I'm going to be sure that there is something at least as powerful to replace it on the road to clarity." -audre lorde

i can overreact. i am be slightly out of line...but i am sincere. i get emotional. on occasion. i get passionate. i get whole heartedly into a moment. my heart reacts. then my mind reacts to my heart. then my heart reacts to a new emotion in response to a new idea. ping ponging back and forth...it takes me sometimes days to feel it all the way through and replace the confusion (and confusion is always painful) with something that will put me on the road to clarity.

when someone loves me, they don't shame me for this...but they don't have to agree with me either and if they are really clever, they can turn towards me with a little mirror and a sweet smile, a hand on my knee or a kiss and a kind word...and it dissipates, deescalates, and once where there would have been a huge fight there is a calm...and the anger goes out on an exhale.

when i love someone i don't see an end...i don't want to...there are a million and one stories where you saw the end coming and didn't feel too attached to it before but this one...this one you don't want to see an end. Thus, the first line of audre lorde's poem is beautiful to me, "Each time you love, love as deeply as if it were forever..." and the second line, makes me want to throw in the towel and say forget it..."Only nothing is eternal." It's harsh. Death and separation. After a lifetime, loves dies, people change, stop trying, lose their pride or get to high on it, death separates...and even if religion tells you nice stories of where people go when they die to comfort us...does anyone really know until they get there...and we will all get there. So nothing is eternal. Everything comes to an end but when i think about it...it makes me cry all the same. thinking of losing my loved one...thinking of death separating us and maybe making us disappear and we will never find ourselves again. I'd like to find you. again. i'd like to remember that i was your lover and shiyara's mother and your sister and your daughter and your wife. to think that my love would come to an end or we will come to an end...it's...difficult. i am becoming attached is being michelle medina...i am attached...to the people that define me...that make my heart tick...and i don't think it's just my ego or an illusion. i do think it's also the joy i feel from seeing you smile and kissing you and dancing with you...and sharing all joy with you.

so when you say that you are prepared for us to end...and that you will prepare yourself...i feel that what you believe becomes you...so be careful what you believe in.

i believe that love has no end so i don't see the end time...or its coming...we are endless and eternal. But I am the first line. You are the last. And between us...how can we work it out...can we be both right and wrong?

Birth. Existence. Death. Rebirth.

I need to be reborn and so do You. Because we know endings well. We have been born into something. We are afraid of death. We exist everyday in a 1000 things and titles and roles. And we need to start over...everyday. ...because my feelings are leading me somewhere. It's ticking off the charts. is it me? just me? is it you too?

i don't know but in me i am ticking. if it's endless. if it's on a timer. we won't know until we get there. but i wish you could give yourself to me more because i want to know you. i see your mask. i like it. but i want to know you. take off your protection. i wanna see you