Is a gay man Defined from what he does in the bedroom, or is he defined by his social behavior? I had many a contentious argument with past friends about this very point. More times than I care to remember (unfortunately starting with my father at the tender age of 8 ) I have been told I was gay. All based upon the perceptions of my social Behavior ( I'm sure I did not grope all the other boys at all when I was 8 and 9...sheesh). But what I found out, that what was different about me was that I was more sensitive. Not as tough and aggressive. I also found I feared a lot of things as a child and adolescent.

When I was in my 30's the same problem was continuing on. Because of my "behavior" people thought I was gay. But I did not have a boyfriend nor talked of previous affairs with men. I asked girls out all the time and I only showed interest in the ladies. But those around me seemed to know more about me and pre-judged me to fit into their filter of how the world should be.

It came to a head in my 30's. I was tired of being called gay, tired of being gay by default, and tired of having to avoid my interest in women because, if I followed society's rules, my past affairs with men doomed me to a life only with men. To skip to the other side would be seen as less than genuine and trying to escape my destiny. So I went to therapy.

My therapist called up a few of my friends, wanting to know what I did that was so "gay." Her impression of me was that I did not have many sterotypical mannerisms except shrill voice when I got excited. She came back to report that there was nothing overtly "gay" about me from her investigative interviews. Nothing overly feminine in gesture, walk or demeanor, but just nuances of a unique personality. I just seemed different to these people; a man not in the mainstream. Since I was handsome, and no girlfriend at the time, they had nowhere else to categorize me but in the gay category ( or else it would have to be crazy category..ha). I contend that prejudice of this kind is highest on the east coast, south and possibly mid west, but not on the west coast. She also explained that my ADHD hyperactivity did not help the matter, because I acted a bit too "silly" for my rugged exterior looks.

So there you have it, gay by default and discrimination. Branded gay because Idid not conform, even though I did not fit the "gay" feminine mold. I learned over the next few years to tune out all that I heard from others, and to get a hold of my ADHD a bit.

Could I still have the problem of being called gay these days ...I suppose, but more importantly do I care..absolutely not. For I have learned that my biggest problem was defining myself based upon other peoples perceptions of their world and that was a big mistake. For I will never let myself be defined by another person's filter... especially since I know that I am not gay. I have more sex with my girlfriends in 3 months then some men have in a lifetime. Being weak, and living in fear for so long kept me quite unhappy, but now I am free.

Finally, I leaned an interesting lesson about the definition of gay. When someone around me points out a man as being gay gay, a man whom they do not know, I now ask if they know of his boyfriend or past affairs etc. They always answer they do not. To that question I ask them, " Is your definition of gay feminine behavior in the male gender or is it based on sexual behavior?" I then wait for them to answer. Ususally they say both and to that I answer, " well, there is no scientific link that I know of between a man who might be a bit feminine and homosexual tendencies, so it might be better not to have such prejudice against a man who is more sensitive and different, unless you really know about him."

I now find it enhoyable to challenge the sterotypical bigoted, prejudiced perceptions of people who think they are so open minded. For I know that if that man they accused of being gay said he was not gay, they would not believe him... and if he said he was bi they would still think he was secretly gay... and so goes the life of a those who think they are so cool and liberal in mind, but are almost always proven to be prejudicial and bigots in true spirit.