New year, new beginnings… or not!

We are 7 days into the new year and my life has been a whole lot of endings. My heart is sore with goodbyes, and rather than feeling optimistic, full of resolutions and goal setting, I'm looking back at 2019 and wondering what I need to change.

I've had a few months of self-reflection and life analysis.  I’ve been trying to figure out if I am the person I want to be. I’ve made a conscious effort to be kinder and more generous. To remove gossip from my life and make a definite step away from toxic people.

To give is to receive

I once heard someone say that the only way to build a truly deep and meaningful relationship with someone was to be fully open and to share who you really are. Warts and all. I think I’m good at this. I trust people easily and keep little back. I’m generous in giving and don’t expect in return, but as I look at the people in my life I'm struggling with the transient nature of life, not just my life as an ex-pat – although that definitely exacerbates it – but the nature of all life.

Since the earliest age, I’ve craved the warmth and solidity of a Friendship that never falters and of a partner that is always there. I’m lucky, lucky because I have that with my husband.   So I do count my blessings, but when it comes to the entire world outside my door. I’m 43 but I still haven’t figured out a way to navigate friendships and people in a world that is constantly changing.

Because I'm starting to believe that, outside of my immediate family, everyone leaves.  My life is littered with past friendships. A Facebook full of people I barely speak to anymore.

Loving and losing those important to you

In 2019 I worked to build more meaningful relationships with a small group of people rather than purely social interactions with a larger.  In doing that I opened up in many ways. I shared my home and my heart. I told them secrets I was ashamed of and made myself always available to them. Despite how hard I work to make positive choices I can't help but feel that it’s inevitable that times change and people move on. And wonder that if every time I share myself I am not giving my soul away and losing something rather than gaining.

In two days my closest friend in the world is leaving. My world will be a darker place without her.

When I go to school today a handful of mums I used to care for and go out for drinks with will be absent. They returned to their own countries. This Expat wheel turns. I've only been here 2 and a half years yet lost so many friends already.

Over Christmas, I spent time with my family and felt anew the pain of leaving them as we parted again, with no planned time to meet.

This year I know four people my own age who have passed away.

Doing laundry in 2020

Then there are the people that you need to push away.  If my 20's was about amassing a large group of friends and acquaintances, and my 30's about work and family, then my 40's is definitely about making sure the right people are in my life going forward.

Toxic friendships

Some people are introspective; they look at themselves and their lives. They try to self improve, to treat people with kindness and to honestly address wrongs. And other's don't. Some people crash through life with no consideration at all. I’ve had it with people who don’t care and love for others. For gossips, for selfish people, for people who don’t have the time to answer texts, to check-in. For people that thrive on drama, for people who love to argue and pick fights. I want to tell those people that it’s possible to be strong and brave and vivacious and fun and to still recognise what an impact you have on the world and those around you. How important it is to treat people with respect and generosity.

I’m working on phasing those people out. But it's scary in a world where people come and go with such regularity to say goodbye to anyone, even if they are bad for you.  The internet is full of people posting about toxic friendships and narcissist behaviour but some relationships are not as simple as unfriending on Facebook.  This is a goal for 2020, to say no more.  To move away from negativity. To make sure I am not a toxic person myself.

A notebook full of old friends

I’m beginning to understand that my life is full of people I have loved and lost. I’m an ardent believer in friendships being able to be managed cross seas, but as more people leave I start to wonder what is the point in reaching out.

I've written lots of times about the importance of Expat Friends. How my life here would be incomplete without my solid network of friends who act like a family for me.  But as I count five best friends on four different continents, I wonder if I can keep getting so close to people.  Making friends is fabulous, but losing them, again and again, is a heartbreak I'm not sure I can keep committing to.

Anyone else feel the same?

Does anyone else feel the same way? Not so long ago I wrote a very similar blog post, but ended it by saying that part of our expat travels is about meeting new people, and that the constant rotation of people in our lives was a positive thing. Now Im not so sure. I'm not sure if this expat wheel, this cycling of friends, is not more of a drain than a gain. Thoughts??

The post The realities of expat friends: do we lose more than we gain? appeared first on The Expat Mummy.