Submitted by some random dude who, like every good kollel yungerman whose wife works full-time to support him and comes home exhausted at the end of the day then cooks dinner, bathes the kids and falls asleep before collapsing in bed, spends too much time thinking about the mitzvah and not enough doing it.

-Shragi

As we all know there are 613 Mitzvos in the Torah. The first of these Mitzvos was given to Adam directly from G-d. G-d told Adam “peru urevu umelu es ha’aretz.” (Be fruitful and multiply and fill the world). This is the Mitzvah of making babies. This mitzvah is achieved through the act of sexual intercourse (shtooping, boning, fucking, banging, tapping, hitting, I think you get the point), where the man sticks his reproductive organ (dick, cock, penis, shlong, shmeckel, wiener, among other names) into the female reproductive organ. (Vagina, pussy, vertical smile, pink taco, malawach, ECT.).
For those of us that aren’t so frum (and by that I mean not full of shit), this Mitzvah is very simple. Find a girl, (make sure she goes to the mikva first) get her drunk (optional), fuck her brains out (unprotected of course), and wait 9 months till a baby pops out. However for those who are extra frum and like to do Mitzvos properly this Mitzvah raises some serious questions.
As we know, we paskin (in Pesachim I think, look it up if you really care) Mitzvos tzrichas kavana. This means one has to be aware of and have in mind what mitzvah he is doing or else he is not yotze his Mitzvah. In addition we know all Mitzvos assai require a bracha beforehand. Let’s analyze these issues together. For the very Frum community (Chasidim aka full of shit) the issue of mitzvahs tzrichas kavana is taken care of by reciting a declaration before performing the mitzvah. This declaration usually states hinini muchan umezuman lekaim mitzvahs asai……(I am ready and prepared to fulfill the positive commandment)…..some questions are, when does he say this declaration? Does the woman have to say this declaration? Some hold the woman does not have an
obligation in the mitzvah but rather is just a means to have the mitzvah fulfilled so she would be exempt from the bracha.
Before we answer the first question we have to analyze the issue of the bracha. As we know brachos ha’mitzvos have to be recited right before one is to do the mitzvah and he has to be holding the item is going to perform the mitzvah with in his right hand (left hand if he is left handed). Both of these can’t be done in this case because it is forbidden to recite a bracha when one is undressed kal vachomer when he’s holding his sausage.
Also the woman would have to be present and naked and it is forbidden to recite a bracha in front of an undressed woman. One would have to recite the declaration of readiness and the bracha before he takes his clothes off while not looking at the woman or waiting for her to get undressed as well. The problem with this is reciting the declaration and blessing then taking off his clothes off/ waiting for the woman may be a hefsek which would require him to make another bracha which as we stated before he can’t do. So in short this really frum guy is stuck and try explaining this one to the rav.
Another issue that arises is one is not allowed to talk between making the bracha and performing the mitzvah. The question is, is moaning allowed? this is only a problem if we paskin that one can’t make a hefsek between reciting the bracha and completing the mitzvah(similar to bedikas chometz) (which would be after the big bang boom and after that who has energy to move let alone talk). However if we paskin that hefsek is only between the bracha and starting the mitzvah, there is no issue. make the bracha (if you find a permissible way), stick it in, and moan away. In this regard one is allowed to me makel and say the moaning is part of the mitzvah and is not considered a hefsek.
One more issue that can be raised is the issue of Mitzvos laav nehenos nitnu. Mitzvos were not given to derive benefit from. This is a serious problem. Not allowed to enjoy sex? Wtf? Whats the point than? the only reason most people shtoop is because it feels good. A sub question of this is can one shtoop if the end result isn’t to knock up a
chick?
In conclusion there is no real answer to any of these questions and people should stop being so frum and complicating things, especially something as awesome as sex, because as I said before sex is really a simple, beautiful and amazing thing that can be enjoyed by all. Maybe we can discuss these issues at the next asifa and waste another 2 million of tzedaka money and 4 hours of people’s time. The only difference this time is that is actually a topic that interests people and more people will come.

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