"For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." - Matt. 6:14 (NKJV)

I was born as a change-of-life child to my parents. My Dad had settled into his family of three children that were all born close together; eight years before Mom became pregnant with me. My Sister and two Brothers were all born within a couple of years of each other, my sister being born first. That was a completion of my Dad's idea of a family. Suddenly, the rythym-method ceased to work and along I came. My Dad was less than thrilled about the prospect of having another child and made it obvious as I grew up.

During my childhood, because of the distance in ages between myself and my siblings, I spent a lot of time playing alone. When I was 10 years old, my youngest brother was already 18 and living his new-found adulthood. Gathering my Matchbox cars together, I would go out and play with them alone for hours. Sometimes, I would simply explore the old farmhouse that we lived in and imagine great adventures with playmates that I didn't have. My Mom, feeling overprotetive, didn't like any friend that happened to come over. She wanted to keep me away from the world.

My Dad, being the World War II veteran, only experienced two types of emotions: contentment and anger. Internally, he could not fully accept me. Outwardly, he was quickly angered by me and the ways that I conducted myself as a child. He was quick to take off his belt and whip me for simple childhood indescretions, and he could be verbally abusive at times; telling me that there must be something wrong with me. I tried in desperation to meet his expectations over my childhood and young adult years and to find some kind of close relationship with him, but it never happened.

In 1993, my Mom died from Cancer. It was very tramatic for me because she had always been there. I couldn't imagine her being gone. It took me quite a while to simply move on, but thankfully, she had accepted Christ before she died and I knew that she was alright. My Dad didn't deal with it so well and was suddenly thrust into life without her. He began to experience a lot of changes in his existance and the way that he saw the world. We all began to see a person that we didn't know and certainly didn't grow up with.

In 2001, I lost my Sister to Cancer also. We had became very close over a period of a few years before her death. I never realized what we had missed with each other until she nearly reached the end of her life. This event caused my Dad to further withdraw and to basically give up.

This year, In February, My Dad passed away. Despite all that we had been through with each other, we managed to at least be friends before he died. He had become a Christian after my Mom's death and had become a very gentle soul. We never had the chance to really catch up on all of the lost years, but I treasured the time that I had to simply be with him.

Jesus said that we should forgive others so that our Father in Heaven can forgive us ... and I did when I accepted Christ into my life and experienced the forgiveness that He offered me. I had a lot of issues with Dad, but God gave me a comfort and compassion far beyond any of the pain and tears that I had ever experienced. All of the anger that I had harbored for all of these years has simply went away.

Although I know that my Dad is where he wants to be ... walking across Heaven with my Mom and Sister ... I find myself wishing that we could have another lifetime to do it over ... the right way. I miss him.