As I was shopping with a girlfriend today, I came upon a magnet with a verse:

Lord, teach me what I cannot see.

Job 34:32

Naturally, the verse had a certain gravitational pull effect on me, and so I purchased the magnet and hoped to hang it where I can see it daily. The initial thought was this: “Lord, show to me what the future holds.” I’ve been having a rough couple of months, with my challenges (uveitis, suspected [but tested negative] autoimmune disease; broke the company’s laptop screen [costs Php35,000 to repair]) and my ongoing trials. I have a hearing on Monday with regards to my unresponsiveness during the early hours at work (filed under negligence) and a daunting week ahead as my supervisor is out on vacation for 4 days. These have been looming over me like an ominous cloud not because they were challenging, but because I know that I am mostly at fault and fully accountable for these things.

And so I was desperate to know, “Lord, what is it that my future holds?”

Now that I’m home though, I searched the verse online and found the verse in its entirety.

“Suppose someone says to God, ‘I am guilty but will offend no more. Teach me what I cannot see; if I have done wrong, I will not do so again.’

Should God then reward you on your terms, when you refuse to repent? You must decide, not I; so tell me what you know.

Job 34:31-33

Oh, how those words struck! And how once again timely God is!

Many times I have told the Lord that I am aware of my faults and that I intend to repent, but have not done so in full. These current challenges I have, those that I know that I am fully accountable of, I deflect and Pray to the Lord that He may take them away. But these are lessons! Repeated actions require full absolution and repentance that I find so hard to do. How many times have I prayed and said “Lord, rid me of this and I shall not repeat it again,” but here I am a few years later, faced with the same conundrum because I have failed to follow through with my repentance?

A verse that I read with hope of the future has now turned me around to face myself in the face; like a mirror. How many times will you have to keep doing what’s wrong and ask the Lord to save you from the same situations over and over again?

I seek to pray a prayer of change. There are countless things in my life that I want to remove but cannot out of fear and/or dependency. And yet I ask the Lord to save me from my wicked carelessness. I pray for change and acceptance in my heart–whatever happens to me will happen but I know that the Lord will be with me through it. Like a father with a disciplined hand He is, and I have forgotten to respect Him with my actions.

Lord, today I pray that You forgive me and help me repent from my laziness, carelessness and my irresponsibility. I have caused You great dishonor with how I have caused these traits to manifest greatly in my actions, as well as with how I have prayed so mindlessly to You without thinking of who You are in my life. You are my Father that rules me with a loving heart but a stern grip, and I am your child that should be disciplined.

I know that I am the type of person that lacks discipline and I pray to be reformed. These are lessons that I need to learn the hard way, but I pray that You stand by me as I fall. Renew my hope and my strength as I reform myself. Comfort me and build me back up the way You intend to.