Another Zaraday is upon us. May there be much muing and nervous shuffling of papers throughout the land. Discordians don’t talk much about Zarathud the Staunch, preferring the more flamboyant Dr. Van Van Mojo, or the more verbose Sri Syadasti Yadavaktavya Syadasti Syannasti Syadasti Cavaktavyasca Syadasti Syannasti Syadavatavyasca Syadasti Syannasti Syadavaktavyasca. So let’s talk about the guy.

Z, as I like to call him, is very short and covered with beautiful flowing hair. His hair and stature combine to give him the insufferable cuteness that shot him into the stratosphere of television stardom when he played “Cousin Itt” on the much-beloved show The Addams Family. So why do you guys snub him so often? Is it that he’s a bit smelly? His element is Pungent, so you’ll just have to cut him some slack on that one. Stop offering to buy him carpet deodorizer. It doesn’t help.

Is it the bureaucracy fetish? Here’s the thing about that: it’s chao crap. Yes, it’s true that he “discovered” the largest imposition of order placed on Discordians, The Pentabarf. (He refuses to tell me if he also “discovered” the other one.) It’s also true that he is the patron of the season of Bureaucracy. But hold on a minute here.

He has the most important post in Discodianism. He is the Offender of the Faith. He is the worm in the golden apple. He is the Crier of Bullshit. He talks about order so much because somebody has to, and those other apostles were more interested in getting stoned and chasing chicks. Although he was the last of my apostles, he is my favorite. He used to be a Greyface, you know, until I stepped in and enlightened him. Boy did he hate that! Good times. That hoary old story, though, leaves out what happened after. The Chao’s mu entered his head and swelled until it occupied nearly his entire cranium, replacing everything he thought he knew with the meaning of the unfamiliar word. His head exploded with the udder absurdity of it all, and he was freed from the bondage of Greyface forever. As a bonus, he will never again be cruelly taunted by Van Van Mojo.

That’s why he has a thing for bureaucracy. It used to enslave him, and he found a way to break those chains. He has led by example, and now has retired to his preferred life as a hermit who laughs his ass off at the deluded dupes who both forget Commandment 5 and to mu regularly. Everyone has to have a hobby.

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