Forgive- stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw or mistake. (Webster Dictionary)
The hardest thing that I have struggled with, and even still struggle with at times is forgiveness. Forgiveness as a whole is hard, but self-forgiveness is harder. When someone does wrong by you, you can choose to still Deal with that person. When you have done wrong can you choose to deal with self?I have found it hard to forget my past and move past them. I sometimes fall short, and stand still remembering my past which hinders my future. When I finally get my stride and moving at a good pace, I stand startled and it’s as if magically I’m standing in a room full of mirrors. Everywhere I turn, there stands a glimpse into my past. An overbearing amount of “remember whens” rush in like a tsunami. These emotions and feelings are not planned, but I can’t seem to stop the over weighing amount of disappointment I receive when I reminisce.
My past has shaped me, and at the same time it has tried to make me stagnated in my transformation process. I remember growing up and
my mother would warn me that I will one day have to deal with my choices. While she gave me these warnings, it was unclear what she really meant. Naive to think she was just talking. Now at twenty-nine years old I see crystal clear what she was trying to prepare me for. I only wish that I would have listened to half the things she tried to prepare me for. Instead I was bull headed and wanted to feel every brick wall that laid out before me. My mother, somewhere during the process, stopped talking and just started praying. Like I requested, I hit those Brick Walls, and I wasn’t ready for the trauma that these brick walls would cause. Like anyone that continually gets hit in the head I gained a concussion. I began to get confused, and with blurred vision unable to see or understand that I was self-conflicting pain to myself. It’s easy to say life happens, but this time it wasn’t life, it was me.
It was me who decided to drink so much that I couldn’t even drive home straight, It was me who had twins at nineteen years old. It would be so easy to point the finger and say they made me do it, or peer pressure provoked me to do it. Those would only be excuses for me to hide behind. It was a coward move. I screamed, “Allow me to feel the brick wall!” But when the pain started, I wept, “Why me, Oh God?”
Reminders of my past seep in my mind even though I have sealed it off tightly. The more I proclaim I am transformed, the more the enemy test me. The more I write confessing what God is to me, the more my past comes standing firmly. The more I see my past, the more I want to hide. Inch by inch I start to second guess am I worthy enough to testify who this great God is.
I start to second guessing myself, and without me even realizing, I second guess this transformation. Quickly God reminds me I need to forgive myself so that I can move on. Sounds so easy, but the process of forgiving myself has been a rocky road to recovery. God began to deal with me on my past, and reminded me that’s the beauty of my transformation. The beauty that I know where I have been, and to know God took that and made what I feel is His best masterpiece.
Instead of feeling ashamed of my past and where I have been. I wear my past nicely on my shoulders, and out of my mouth speaks the word of God! I await patiently for others to bring up “remember whens” and my response is, “But God!”
What things from your past is stopping you? Do you find it harder to forgive self, or others?
I found strength while reading 2nd Corinthians 5:17-18 and Ezekiel 18:31
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