On March 5th, Fr. James Martin shared six stories he referred to as parables. He quoted biblical scholar C. H. Dodd, saying “a parable was a Story designed to ‘tease the mind into active thought.’” Fr. Martin went on to explain that he hoped these “parables” would “tease [our] mind[s] into active thought.”

While I imagine the questions in Fr. Martin’s articles were more meant for introspection than a response, I wanted to share my thoughts on the six stories he shared.

I’ll summarize the story, share the question, and report my thoughts on the topic. Before I get into that, I first want to make an important clarification. Same-sex attraction in itself is not a sin. The sin is if one acts on those attractions. Every single person is called to chastity. If a single man dwells on lustful thoughts about a woman, he is sinning. If a woman has extramarital sex with a man, she is sinning. If a woman engages in sexual activity with another woman, she is sinning. All of these go against God’s design for sex, and the sex of the people involved is irrelevant. With that made clear, onto the blog post.

Love Comes in Different Forms

Story:  An ex-monk name Mark legally married his partner and cares for him as the partner experiences a “serious, long-term illness.”

Question: “What can we learn from Mark about love?”

Response: Love requires sacrifice.

However, I think Mark’s story is a perfect example of how we have an over-emphasis on romantic love in our society. To me, this expression of love could also be recognized as philia – that is brotherly love. There no denying that the love Mark is showing for another human being is admirable, but that does not validate Mark’s “marriage.”

In fact, I think using this as an example of how “good” a marriage ignores that in a marriage, there is so much more than loving acts. And this is coming from a woman who has multiple, chronic, incurable illnesses and has been blessed with an incredibly loving husband. Ben has shared some beautiful thoughts on his own experiences of better understanding love through the times he has cared for me. But Ben lovingly caring for me when my blood sugar is so low I can’t even speak clearly or walk safely isn’t what makes up our marriage. If that were the case: a nurse or long-term caretaker could also fill that role.  What makes the relationship between Ben and I a true marriage is that we have a sacramental union that strives to express God’s design for marriage. While his caretaking for me certainly is a way he lives out his vocation as a husband, it isn’t the most important part of our marriage.

Compassion as Catholics

Story:  Before a grandson came out to his grandpa, the grandpa, who suspected it, said “I love you no matter what you’re about to say.”

Question: “What can we learn from this grandfather about compassion?”

Response: I think this is a perfect example of compassion (defined as “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering” by dictionary.com).

Etymonline also enlightens us about what compassion is:

“feeling of sorrow or pity excited by the sufferings or misfortunes of another,” mid-14c., compassioun, literally “a suffering with another,” from Old French compassion “sympathy, pity” (12c.), from Late Latin compassionem(nominative compassio) “sympathy,” noun of state from past participle stem of compati “to feel pity,” from com “with, together” (see com-) + pati “to suffer”

There is no denying that same-sex attraction is a cross, and with that comes suffering. As Catholics, when our loved one shares something challenging like that, we should be ready to listen and remind them how much we love them regardless of their attractions, emotions, challenges, etc. Sometimes, our temptation is to immediately offer solutions rather than just to sit, listen, and remind the person how much we love them.

But the compassionate response doesn’t end there. What I love about the definition of compassion I shared is the “strong desire to alleviate the suffering.” There is this idea that we just don’t feel bad for them; we want to help carry that burden. We hurt when we see our loved ones hurting.

While we cannot remove or change their attraction that can become a cross, we can direct them to resources that will help them. To be clear, I am not referring to gay conversion therapies because those are not only ineffective but are also harmful. We cannot change sexual orientation.  

Instead, help should look like support, love, and practical advice for living faithfully to God’s teachings (like Courage or Eden Invitation).

More importantly, we should walk with them, encouraging them to unite these challenges with the cross of Christ. We should encourage them to remain faithful to Christ’s Church and His teachings while also acknowledging that it can be unspeakably difficult. We must do this because it is Christ’s teachings (as protected by the Church) where we can find true fulfillment that, God-willing, will lead to eternal happiness.

More importantly, we should walk with them, encouraging them to unite these challenges with the cross of Christ.
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Acceptance doesn’t mean Condoning Every Act

Story: A priest told a man who was about to come out “Jesus loves you. And your church accepts you.”

Question: “What can we learn from this priest about acceptance?”

Response: We are called to love everyone regardless of who they are, who they are attracted to, or what lifestyle they are living in. We are a Church of sinners, and we must accept each other as we are while also encouraging them to be better. Christ died for every single one of us, and reminding our brothers and sisters of this is wonderful.

We are called to love everyone regardless of who they are, who they are attracted to, or what lifestyle they are living in.
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We should accept people, but that doesn’t mean we should accept sinful lifestyles. Again, if we really care about someone, we will help them orient their lives towards Christ, even if it is the more difficult, burdensome path.

All are Welcome

Story: A grandmother said, “Father, I have a grandchild who is transgender, and I love her so much. All I want is for her to feel welcome in the church.”

Question: “What can we learn from this grandmother about faith?”

Response: Honestly, I’m a little stumped by this one since the story doesn’t really say anything about the faith of the grandmother. However, since the grandmother wants her grandchild to feel welcome, I’ll make some assumptions.

I assume that the grandmother recognizes that the Catholic Church holds the fullness of the truth. That she recognizes the Church is beautiful and has rich traditions. That the teachings of the Church are true, important, and necessary.

Most of all, she must recognize that the Church is for everyone, and as I mentioned before, it is our job as Christians to make them feel welcome without hiding or diluting the truth.

It is our job as Christians to make them feel welcome without hiding or diluting the truth.
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Joy in the Cross

Story: A woman, Maggie, who is attracted to women described her sexuality with the word “joy.”

Question: What can we learn from Maggie about sexuality?

Response:  What can does this say about sexuality? Nothing.

But I do think this could be a meaningful story if some details were changed.

Let’s say Maggie is a devout Catholic. Though she experiences same-sex attraction, she is faithful to Christ’s Church as remains chaste. This is a large cross. But in that cross, she finds herself united to Christ. And though she realizes that this is difficult, she also finds joy as she draws closer to Christ. With these details, she is a saint in the making.

However, from the limited information Fr. James Martin gives, I question what we are supposed to take away. Happiness is irrelevant if it comes from living sinfully.

Happiness is irrelevant if it comes from living sinfully.
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Indissolubility of Marriage

Story: A biological male began living as a female after marrying a woman; despite the transition, the couple remained faithfully married.

Question: “What can we learn from them about fidelity?”

Response: We can learn that this couple remained faithful to their marriage vows and truly understand that what was bound cannot be loosed. Though the phrase “love is love” being thrown around in the full story made me roll my eyes a little due to its misuse in our culture, in this case, it makes sense. When people are married, they agree to a lifelong commitment. It is definitely a very confusing situation, but the commitment is clear.

I’ll admit that this particular story was challenging for me, so I talked about it with a trusted priest. I said “Father, if a biological male is married and starts living as a woman, what does that mean for the marriage?” He simply said “nothing.”

You see (and I know this is totally not politically correct) that transgender woman is still a man in the eyes of God and His Church. Whatever surgeries she had done, however she lives, whatever she wears, however she identifies, she is still a man. Therefore, the marriage is still valid, albeit challenging. 

Now, if gender dysphoria was an issue at the time of matrimony (so a mental illness), it could potentially be grounds for an annulment.

Obviously, there are a lot more issues that could be discussed here (morality of gender confirmation surgery, potential for scandal, etc.), but ultimately it comes down to the reality that it is still a biological man and biological woman who received the sacrament of Holy Matrimony and are continuing to live out their marital vows.

Final Thoughts

Fr. Martin had a few questions at the end of his post, but I’m not going to address them. Instead, I want to talk about the article as a whole.

On one hand, I do appreciate conversations about being more sensitive about LGBT issues. I think that we as a Church have at times failed our brothers and sisters who are struggling with same-sex attraction, gender confusion, etc. I think sometimes, we are so quick to comment on Church teaching that we forget to affirm that person as a child of God, listen to their experiences, and walk with them.

I think that we as a Church have at times failed our brothers and sisters who are struggling with same-sex attraction, gender confusion, etc.
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Though we have some good resources out there, there is also a lot more we can do in supporting LGBT Catholics in living lives that are faithful to Christ. We should not be afraid to listen to their experiences, and we should not shy away from admitting where the Church could be more supportive.

On the other hand, I felt this article had a very clear agenda. I have tried over and over to give Fr. Martin the benefit of the doubt because he has never outright supported gay “marriage” or gender transitions. However, this article seems to celebrate people who are possibly living in contradiction to Christ’s teachings. Without certain details, this could mislead the faithful, and using descriptors like “parables” seems to almost spiritualize these potentially sinful lifestyles. 

I know I am not the most qualified person to be talking about this, but I can say that we must remain faithful to the teachings of Christ’s Church, but we must be charitable and supportive in helping people live them out.

I want to conclude by recommending to great role models who both share their experiences as faithful Catholics experiencing same-sex attraction.

First is Avera Maria Santo. She blogs at Inside My Holy of Holies, is a speaker, and wrote Experience Me: Letters to a Young Catholic Living with Same-Sex Attractions. Also, you should definitely follow her on Twitter (@diary476).

Second is Daniel Mattson, author of Why I Don’t Call Myself Gay. He is also on Twitter (@DanielCMattson).

Unfortunately, I haven’t had a chance to read either book myself yet, but I’ve seen them recommended by people whose opinions I trust.

For advice on what we as a church can do, I recommend Hope for the Same-Sex Attracted by Ron Citlau (my review here).

Come, Holy Spirit, help us to proclaim the truth with charity. Open our hearts to the experiences of others. Guide us in affirming their dignity as children of God.