For the past few months, my Relationship with my girlfriend has been one filled with intense jealousy and insecurity. We had been fighting and had even considered breaking up at one point. As you can expect, these feelings of jealousy and insecurity eventually turned into Anger.

​

I would try to stop these jealous and angry thoughts by trying to distract myself. I tried to ignore them. I tried to replace them with positive thoughts to remind me that I am dating someone I truly love. It didn't work. I was still angry, but even though I knew I was angry I didn't want to admit it. My dad has a serious anger issue and I did not want to believe that I had one too.

​

Last week my girlfriend said to me, "I think you're an angry person. I think you have a serious anger issue and if you aren't able to get your anger under control I don't think I can date you long-term." This broke my heart. I knew my anger was destroying me, but I thought I was managing it well... this was evidence that I was not. It wasn't until she said this that I was able to admit to her I had an anger issue. Before, I was so blind to this anger issue I had that I had been putting all the blame on her for how I was feeling.

​

On the drive back to my house I had some time to think. I had known my anger had been an issue for some time, but now that I had admitted it I felt like I was able to deal with it. I had to deal with it... Especially if it was affecting someone I loved.

​

When I got home I sent her the following message:

"Thanks for talking tonight. I had some time to think about what you said and I’m very ashamed and sorry for how I’ve been treating you. You were right. I have been very hard on you. It’s easy for me to tell you what you should work on, but self-reflection & self-awareness is sometimes uncomfortable & painful. I’m going to work on my anger, and my self-hatred & I’m going to try to work on being more open & honest. Sorry for putting you through so much crap you shouldn’t have to deal with. I love you & I need to get better at showing it."

​

She thanked me for finally admitting that I had an issue with anger and promising to do something about it. I got started immediately. I remembered that over 2 years ago I had bought a book called "Anger" by Thich Nhat Hanh and started reading it that night. This book has been a huge help to me.

​

I know it has only been one week, but I feel much different. I am learning to embrace the thoughts that pop into my head that used to cause me jealousy and anger. Instead of trying to repress them I can have those thoughts and ask myself "Why are you thinking about this? What are you trying to solve? Why are you trying to cause pain to yourself and those you love?" It didn't take long for this line of questioning to ultimately lead me to discover that I have intense self-hatred. I am causing myself pain because that is what I feel I deserve. I have made mistakes in the past and by having these thoughts I was forcing myself to pay for them almost every day, even though others have been able to forgive me I was unable to forgive myself.

​

So that night I wrote in my journal "Work on your relationship with yourself. Have a good relationship with yourself so you can have a good relationship to the world. Let go of bad energy and the people and events still living inside of you."

​

I am doing my best to live up to the words I wrote in my journal, and things in my relationship with my girlfriend and myself have improved. I am learning to treat myself more like a friend than an enemy, so that I can be more loving in my external relationships. Of course, things aren't perfect, but I am taking things day by day and seeking to take care of myself, watch my tongue and provide a loving and accepting space for my loved ones.

However, there are still some things I am struggling with. For example, I never can measure up to my own standards and expectations. How do I like myself more? This is something I am really wrestling with. I suspect that my suffering comes from non-accepting. I want to be something more than I am. I've held myself to an unattainable standard and must learn to go easy on myself.

​

If anyone else out there is struggling with anger, I highly recommend that book. And if anyone has any stories or advice they would like to share - I am listening.