I've been dealing with social anxiety and agoraphobia for many years, the agoraphobia has gotten much worse since I had many panic attacks due to spiritual experiences about 3 years ago. I've been working on both through exposure therapy. Sometimes it's really hard to sit in a waiting room with others, and it can be hard for me to walk to the car or cross a street or walk any sort of distance from home. They both seem to act up more on days when I feel crummy and today was one of those days.

Today I was out not even a block from my house, trying really hard to make progress on agoraphobia, which is slow going, and a guy with crutches was across the street putting his garbage out, I just sorta assumed he would feel proud and not want help, probably to avoid the issue. He fell down and I felt bad for him and wanted to help. I tried to cross the street and felt scared and turned around. I didn't feel like I could do it. I walked around the corner to my house and got my Dad hoping he could help. But the issue was resolved and he was back in his house and everything was fine.

This type of thing has happened a few times. My cat disappeared as we were moving and I had other people look for him as I called to him from my sisters home, where I was staying. I still feel guilty for not walking around looking for him that day. (I only had 20 minutes to look, since we had a moving truck that had to go, and people were waiting on us) even though I put up fliers while trembling in fear, from the safety of my dads car. Even though I looked online for him and had my Dad drive like 2 hours away from our new home to go to the animal shelter. Even though I still look for him online sometimes, about 1.5 years out.

I just feel terrible that fear has kicked my ass so many times. I show courage and care a lot of times in many situations, but certain ones I just freeze up. Namely when it comes to agoraphobia, or death.

My mom died almost 2 years ago, and I feel like I didn't deal with that well because of anxiety and I feel like I let my mom down. I was having panic attacks back then and found it a struggle to even think straight. I didn't offer her support like I would have wanted to.

These things really stick with me. I feel ashamed to be telling all of you this. I feel guilty for my shortcomings. I feel sorry that I let others down because of the fear. I feel scared of more situations coming up where I feel unable to act, especially when it really counts.

I feel like because these are "normal" situations that I should be able to deal with it and am hard on myself about it. If for instance, some guy was on a ladder and I felt unable to go up and help him because I was afraid of heights, I would probably not feel as bad, because I feel like a lot of other people would have the same issue. But because it's "normal" type things that I get frozen over, I feel especially guilty, ashamed and sad about it all.

I hope someday I can improve and find the courage to act in more situations. But this is where I'm at today.

Any input or advice would be appreciated.

PS: I am going to therapy.