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On agitation

So ive been getting really good at breathing into my anger, and ive noticed that during certain moments, ive actually been quite present, not considering all of the other feelings and thoughts that go through my head in these Negative situations.

I noticed that before, i would get the thought that this situation, me being a part of it, me picking up on these nasty emotions, was NOT ok. But then i changed perspective, realizing that this aversion led to further anger and did nothing for me.

But i still get stressed out and agitated. Just now, my dad was raising his voice. First was the thought, uh oh, its happening. I felt my Body begin to tense up. And then as he was raising his voice, i began to pick up on all of it. The frustration. The stress. The agitation. I felt the tension grow in my body, and the thought, you could just end it now. So then i said "fuck you" and i closed myself shut. I felt a closing off in my body, and also an ongoing shutting off from future negative feelings. I was trying to dispel all of it, to diffuse responsibility from feeling anything from this person, with my attempt. I think feelings these is not ok, because the buddha would not even blink an eye, not accepting this gift of suffering.

But i still felt the agitation. I was still having lingering doubts about whether or not i handled this event skillfully. And then the dislike came about. So then i breathed into that. I tried not to get caught up in thoughts about how unfair the situation was. I took a step back, and tried to laugh about the situation, but even that didn't take away all of the tension still left in my body, and it took a full 20 minutes till i was back to default.

So, i was wondering if i handled that properly, and if there's a way of properly dealing with it that's appropriately compassionate, and yet still protects myself from feeling this way. Or perhaps my walls are stillup, and that feeling ANY negative feeling is OK, and that's the thing i should work on.

Maybe its all just mental gymnastics, and im missing the whole point.

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from Buddhism

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On agitation


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