I get the impression that every single human thinks they have to put on a fake personality to convince others they are good, even though they are being manipulative and hiding who they are. They are careless if their true self hurts others and only care if their political personality is nice.

The Dhammapadda says that we shouldn't find faults in others, and shouldn't obsess over how much people hurt us. But I feel Buddism can only be practiced when I'm also in the shade of life, and I'm not hurting. But I rarely am. No matter how much I've meditated or forgiven people, people fill up my cup with frustration all over again every day.

And the cycle continues. I lose hope in Meditation because I will be angry again. Though I know meditation has gradually made me a better person, every day I have to be confronted with people's abuse.

The Buddha was surrounded by like minded people when he was Enlightened, and grew up having everything handed to him. Of course he could muster the patience to deal with life. When he voluntarily gave everything up, he knew what it was like to have everything in order to know it was unsatisfactory. We haven't had that luck to teach us that.

Where am I going? I don't think it's as possible to be enlightened as people believe so. Sometimes the only people in your life are shitty people and you will never have the freedom to just be with it. While we need to be tested with dhukka, you need distance from dukkha at times in order to heal enough. In this society, dukkha is slamming us in the face constantly, and there aren't opportunities to heal and learn from it.

Where I'm really going is that while I'm not giving meditation up, I'm reconsidering Buddism as the answer. Maybe luck determines how much we suffer more than we do, and I am convinced that becoming enlightened is partially luck for those who have non shitty people in their lives and a good yet not stressful career have enough distance from dhukka to the point where they can heal. I can't.