When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

1 Corinthians 13:11

I did not know of a better Scripture for this.I thought there would be one on struggling with the mind.  But this is as close as I could get.  See I am struggling in my mind.  The battle is real.  Am I to live in celibacy for ever or will I find love at my side?

I read so much that my mind is full of questions and not really finding answers.  Is it okay to be in a loving Relationship with the same sex?  Or is it not?  I once had a clear view on this.  I thought that I knew where I stood.  I could debunk any scripture and was sure I stood on solid ground.  Now days though, I struggle.

I don't want to live in sin if it is wrong and I don't want to be alone forever.  And then I think is it really that I think it is wrong or do I think dating is wrong for me?  I mean my picker is broken and all past relationships have turned to turmoil.  

I have been in one abusive relationship after another, been taken advantage of, and left at times wondering why.  My heart has been broken so many times, that I wonder if it can take one more.  I am blessed right now and don't want that to end.

I think, though, about when my folks are gone, what will happen to me?  Will the church be there?  Will close friends?  Will I live alone?  Will I make it?  Fear is setting in and I don't like it.  I want know what will happen to me.

God don't let us know the future though, we live in the now.  So why am I worrying through negative meditation?  These are true fears, but that don't mean they have to control me.  One day, maybe, I will know more and state a firm belief, for now I will read and study.