**** This journal post was written a few months ago. ****
This morning, I took a moment to journal. I didn't plan my writing or overthink my thoughts. I didn't judge them. I simply relayed them to a page in no particular order and something amazing happened to me.
Life hurts a lot before we learn to guard our hearts. And usually when we hear someone speaking about guarding our hearts, we think sin, bad stuff and people. But the truth is much more than that. The Heart is like soil. Everything in our lives are the garden, in other words, the result of what we planted in the soil of our hearts. Out of the heart flows the issues of life and out of the abundance of it, the mouth speaks. So then, when we desire change in our current states, we must find the root of our problems in our OWN hearts.
In my heart, I've spent many years terrified of being left alone, uncovered, unprotected, being abandoned without hope, lost without anyone seeking me out. Because of that, I've put up with some trifling things and tolerated poisonous people in my personal space. I didn't like when people would confront me on it because I had deceived myself. I didn't want that huge weakness exposed. It hurt too much and made me much too vulnerable in my own mind. But it is in vulnerability that we learn what true strength is and get beyond our fears. Truth is, until we learn to live a life that for all intents and purposes appear vulnerable, we won't ever be happy.
Why are you unhappy? Are you wrapped up in rhetoric? Are you afraid of being hurt? Afraid of being wrong? Afraid, afraid, afraid! My fear choked the life out of my successes, out of my relationships and even out of me. I was terribly unhappy because ultimately, no matter how much Love and togetherness I experienced, fear would not allow me to believe it to be permanent. Oh sad thing that I was, I didn't even realize how offensive my complete disregard of God's omnipresence was to Him, and how limiting it was to me. So I had to search my heart.
As a child, before we can guard our hearts and minds, our parents must protect us and train us. But for those who didn't get that, usually the strongest influences in their world at the time influences them. Seeing divorce, seeing division, seeing abuse and the general failures of society infuses us day by day with fear. What we see is in direct opposition of what we feel and think and hope for, or what God has promised. So we become paralyzed and our faith unproductive. Well today, I decided I'm going to believe God's report because He is the God of the underdogs. He believes in us when He has no reason to believe. How can I not return that sentiment? How can I not tell him that I refuse to put popular opinion and temporary emotions over His promises? I mean, real worship is not in song and dance, but in the submission of the heart, the laying down of all things for the greatness and closeness and awesomeness of Creator God. I do love Him and I refuse to allow fear to keep me in a never-ending cycle of trying to find His brand of love in faulty people. Only He can fill my g-spot (God-spot) and until that is filled, no matter who else loves me and is there for me, I won't be able to truly see it, feel it or respond properly to it. So beginning in my heart, I am relearning Love as the entity GOD since he made himself one with love. I am deprogramming from what the world says because my citizenship is not of this world anyway. Beginning in my heart...
This morning, I took a moment to journal. I didn't plan my writing or overthink my thoughts. I didn't judge them. I simply relayed them to a page in no particular order and something amazing happened to me.
Life hurts a lot before we learn to guard our hearts. And usually when we hear someone speaking about guarding our hearts, we think sin, bad stuff and people. But the truth is much more than that. The Heart is like soil. Everything in our lives are the garden, in other words, the result of what we planted in the soil of our hearts. Out of the heart flows the issues of life and out of the abundance of it, the mouth speaks. So then, when we desire change in our current states, we must find the root of our problems in our OWN hearts.
In my heart, I've spent many years terrified of being left alone, uncovered, unprotected, being abandoned without hope, lost without anyone seeking me out. Because of that, I've put up with some trifling things and tolerated poisonous people in my personal space. I didn't like when people would confront me on it because I had deceived myself. I didn't want that huge weakness exposed. It hurt too much and made me much too vulnerable in my own mind. But it is in vulnerability that we learn what true strength is and get beyond our fears. Truth is, until we learn to live a life that for all intents and purposes appear vulnerable, we won't ever be happy.
Why are you unhappy? Are you wrapped up in rhetoric? Are you afraid of being hurt? Afraid of being wrong? Afraid, afraid, afraid! My fear choked the life out of my successes, out of my relationships and even out of me. I was terribly unhappy because ultimately, no matter how much Love and togetherness I experienced, fear would not allow me to believe it to be permanent. Oh sad thing that I was, I didn't even realize how offensive my complete disregard of God's omnipresence was to Him, and how limiting it was to me. So I had to search my heart.
As a child, before we can guard our hearts and minds, our parents must protect us and train us. But for those who didn't get that, usually the strongest influences in their world at the time influences them. Seeing divorce, seeing division, seeing abuse and the general failures of society infuses us day by day with fear. What we see is in direct opposition of what we feel and think and hope for, or what God has promised. So we become paralyzed and our faith unproductive. Well today, I decided I'm going to believe God's report because He is the God of the underdogs. He believes in us when He has no reason to believe. How can I not return that sentiment? How can I not tell him that I refuse to put popular opinion and temporary emotions over His promises? I mean, real worship is not in song and dance, but in the submission of the heart, the laying down of all things for the greatness and closeness and awesomeness of Creator God. I do love Him and I refuse to allow fear to keep me in a never-ending cycle of trying to find His brand of love in faulty people. Only He can fill my g-spot (God-spot) and until that is filled, no matter who else loves me and is there for me, I won't be able to truly see it, feel it or respond properly to it. So beginning in my heart, I am relearning Love as the entity GOD since he made himself one with love. I am deprogramming from what the world says because my citizenship is not of this world anyway. Beginning in my heart...
