Some of you may remember Jay.  Jay was a boyfriend of mine around 2013.  Jay and I met online, he was away (far away) while we got to know each other, he came back, we met, we were together, he moved in with me, we split up (I have no memory of how or why to be honest), we had chosen to go to Burning Man, we went separately but met up there.  We loved each other.

If you look through the archives here it's a mixed bag of love and joy and Hurt and pain.  Relationships can be like that of course, we're all humans at the end of it all.

Yesterday I learned that Jay is dying.  That he was diagnosed with a stage four melanoma.  That he was treated and stable for a year.  And that recently, just a couple of weeks ago, they found that the cancer had spread significantly, into his brain and spinal fluid, and is terminal.  He may have weeks, possibly months.  But he is dying.  He will die.  

There is a space in my Heart for everyone I have loved and been with.  Everyone.  I can hold space for the hurt or anger and still feel deep love for a former partner.  

I have not spoken to Jay for years.  I do "check in" on his life from time to time via social media, and I knew he had found a life partner and they were very happy together living on the other side of the country, and he was in a job he'd dreamed of for years - he was flying. 

My heart hurts for him, for the loss of his life and vibrancy and for his partner, who is going through this with him and who will have to live the rest of her days without him by her side.  I do not know her, but our hearts have loved the same person, so I feel her and understand her.  I know the best of him.  I can imagine the loss of that in a deeper way than I felt. 

Jay was imperfect, of course he was, but he was, he is, a life, a spirit, a soul.  He doesn't deserve this.  Not now.  Not to suggest anyone deserves illness or cancer, just... there is an additional pain I think we feel when the person is "young", when a life is "cut short", and I very much feel that for Jay.

I am so sad.  I hurt for the loss of this person I knew and loved.  With him go the memories we created together that he held.  I will be the last person to hold those memories.  Us at Burning Man.  Him taking me for flights.  Adventures to visit his friends on Saltspring.  Hikes.  Small adventures.  Bike rides.  Cuddles.  Love.  Laughter.  Arguments.  Frustrations.  Communication.  Time. Those memories will be with me only soon.

Selfishly, I am relieved that I am not with Jay anymore.  That I am not going through this as his partner, that I am not having to deal with this loss in the way that his love currently is.  I am dealing with his loss in a much milder, gentler way and it is hard enough. 

I have not had a lot of death in my life.  A blessing... a mixed blessing perhaps.  I did not have pets.  We had chickens and "my" chicken was killed, but I did not go through the loss of family pets as many do.  The deaths of my grandmothers were remote and distant.  I've been incredibly lucky not to lose many in my life so far.  So for me, this is almost a new experience.  This is the first time I have lost a partner.  Lost someone I was intimate with.  Lost someone I lived with and loved.  This is the first loss of someone my age... not a parent figure "older" person, someone who is a contemporary.  

My shock and grief intermingle.  There are waves of pain and sadness and sorrow.  I have reached out to him to send love and gratitude and a goodbye.  I do not know that he will ever see it or respond.  I wish I could be there and hold his hand, give him love in person.  All I am able to do for now is send my thoughts his way.  To him and to his partner and his close friends and family. 

I am sad.  I am so very sad.  I wish things were different.  Jay is dying.