When I was a little girl I loved the Queen and the idea of the monarchy.  I wanted to grow up and be a Princess (no doubt influenced somewhat by the early Disney movies).  My parents are from Scotland so "home" was the UK, and we visited when I was an infant and lived in England when I was a kid.  

To me, as a youngster, royalty was something mystical and special and maybe a little bit magic in the mystery of it all.  

At some point, I drew a picture of the Queen and sent it to her.  From what I remember it was a typical child's drawing - crayon on paper, well intentioned.

I received a thank you note back, signed, if I remember correctly by a lady in waiting.  I still have that letter, it was amazing to receive it, a real thrill to know the Queen had likely seen my drawing and had asked someone to respond to me!

I was enthralled by Diana and Charles' wedding, I remember dressing up (and staying up?) for Sarah and Andrew's as well.  For years, I wondered if maybe I was secretly a princess who had been adopted by this family I was in... when might that information come to light?

I grew out, I suppose, of that love and admiration of the royal family in my teens.  The turning of these distant untouchable people into celebrities didn't sit well with the pedestal upon which I had put the monarchy.  I stopped paying close attention but followed, loosely, the news stories and events.  

Queen Elizabeth II died last week.  And while I knew her age suggested this was coming, I was still devastated.  I cried, a great deal, the day her death was announced.  For me, her life held all the hope I had as a child of royalty being something special to aspire to.  For me, she represented the "olden days" of pomp and circumstance and ceremony.  A time gone by.

Certainly, watching the fictionalized storytelling of the show The Crown lead me to be even fonder of this imagined woman and the life she had been given.

With the death of the Queen goes my admiration for the monarchy and royalty in general.  I've been moving away from them for decades now, but the Queen remained high in my esteem as a person I looked up to greatly in my childhood.

A little girl's hero I suppose.  An icon.  A human who presented calm and grace and often good humour and who has lived through SO much history and change.  Someone from before, a time already gone by...  a symbol of times when I was not yet born.

I have immense sadness for all that this particular loss represents to me.  I also have awareness of the truths that I did not know about as a child.  I am letting my Childhood Dreams be unadulterated.  

So I miss the Queen.  I am saddened by the loss of a great figurehead.  And, to be honest, the last Queen of my lifetime.  She lived a long life.  She served for seventy years - a significant term.  

We move on, life does, and I will be moving on from the monarchy and royalty-admiring and I think it's time to let go of childhood dreams and wishes.  But it's sad and difficult to do so.

I am treating my little girl self very kindly right now, because to her, the loss is immense.