It's not that it was a bad week last week, but it was Extremely difficult.
I vaguely remember I had a hell of a weekend last weekend, but now I doubt I could tell you what all the intensity was about, just that it was internal stuff I wanted to think on an process.
And for as many damn School (and non school) shootings the states has you'd think "yet another" wouldn't have impacted me as much as this one did but I wonder if it's partly due to all the rest coming out of the states of late... the likely overturning of Roe Vs Wade and the taking away of something that literally should not ever be anyone's business but the human(s) directly involved, the fundamental hatred of women that decision shows and then this? More children murdered? And the endless ongoing debates about who is to blame rather than an absolute shock and upheaval to STOP IT ALL NOW.
So I think that this particular school shooting "got me" worse than all the others for a number of reasons and the reasons it did really aren't as important as the fact that it did and it made all the rest of last week that much harder.
By yesterday afternoon I was legit feeling non functional. FEELING being the important word here. I FELT like I wasn't able to function. But I kept functioning. I got things ready for work today. Even though I do not not not want to go to work or deal with the things I put off from last week.... (I put them off because I had the awareness that I wasn't doing well and knew I wouldn't handle them well and that was not worth the risk... I felt.) I tidied the kitchen and put the things away. I iced the pulled calf muscle (unfair.... frustrating.... sigh) I ate, I exercised, I mean hell, I did things. I did lots of things. But the overarching thought and feeling in my mind was I can not. I can not do these things and there are too many of them and I need to not be.
A logical part of me is aware that I can't really do anything about anything in the United States, or the similarly awful things in my own Country. That logical part of me is aware I can not change the policing issues, the racial issues, the gun issues, none of the things that upset or scare or horrify me about the States, just like I can't about the things that horrify me about Canada or the world. I do not have magic powers. I do not have bazillions of dollars (not even sure that would help but I'd try). I do not have political power (which only helps who/what it helps). I am not in a place to make change, despite encouragement to protest or write letters or vote or all the other things its suggested we do to affect change. So knowing that I can't fix School Shootings... I wish that meant I could let them go and move on from the awful way they make me feel. But perhaps that would make me heartless... or a different person entirely. So I suppose I just wish I could be impacted less strongly. I think it's right to be shocked and upset, but this level of devastation is not ok for me, especially since I can't change the facts, I can't bring life back, I can't change a country, and honestly? It didn't happen to me or mine. Is that callous? Perhaps, but the point I'm trying to make is I need to find a way to live despite the tragedies of existing in this day and age.
Last week was extremely difficult for multiple reasons. I am pointing out to myself that even though it was, I did it. Here I am, in a new week. Look at me go.... you know?
