I want to preface this by saying I'm ok.  I am.  I'm not great, but I'm not at risk.  And if I were, I see my counsellor pretty much weekly and I promise I'd talk to him, or Jason, so I'm not someone you have to Worry about.  I guess I mean, I don't want you to worry about me, it's like an extra guilt I don't want to take on, and that sometimes stops me from sharing because I don't want to worry that you're worrying, ok?  So please don't.  I just am recognizing that feeling of "don't write about it because it will upset people" that stopped me from writing before and I don't want to get stuck in that again, so I want to give myself permission to write about the blah and, well, I care about you guys and I don't want to upset you.

And, well, that people pleaser part of me is going to get me killed, so... I'm ok.  Ok?  Ok.

Y'all, I am not happy.  Right now, which feels like forever, as in it feels like it will last forever and never end, right now I hate everything and I don't want to be here anymore.  But I also don't know if that's true.  I mean I know I don't want to die, and the not wanting to be here anymore is more about not feeling like this and not having these thoughts anymore, not about never existing again.  Just so much about wanting out of... my own head?

My thoughts are so Heavy.  Heavy and dark but not in that "Capital D" Depression way you'd see in a movie.  Just exhaustingly negative.  So so negative.  Heavy thoughts.  They turn my entire body heavy and it all just sucks.

It all just sucks.

I'll try to say more, I just wanted to get a start on the speaking and try to put an end to the not speaking, you know?  "This too shall pass" as they say, but damn if it doesn't just loom like it won't.  And yes, I'm using my S.A.D. lamp to try to counter the damn "winter blues" and the days that are so terribly short and I'm keeping up my Vitamin D (among other things) and exercising and doing all those things that are meant to be helpful, and I'm sure they are, truly.  

Do I need to analyze things and tell myself that this is like a swing back from the stress of Jason's place getting flooded and my intense anxiety around that?  Meh, maybe.  All I know is I'm full of heavy and I wanted to let you know that if I talk heavy words, I'm ok, I'm just trying to get them out.