From Kayode Awosika to Starling Thomas V, a look at the best Detroit Lions names on the 2023 roster.

We’re only one region into the 2023 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament, and I’m already getting worried about my own sanity. I am, by nature, an indecisive man. I am the person who takes forever to order, or will answer “I don’t care” to “what do you want to do tonight?” every single time.

So things like this give me anxiety. Which is why I gladly pass that anxiety onto you.

Here is Region 2 of Round 1 in the Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament.

1. Kayode Awosika vs. 16. Brodric Martin

In the history of the NFL, there has never been a Kayode. There has never been an Awosika. Kayode Awosika is truly one of a kind. Having a name that rhymes with Peyote is just icing on the top. But here’s the thing that probably only two percent of Lions fans know about the name Kayode Awosika: his last name is pronounced “ow-she-ka.” (Don’t believe me? Here’s him pronouncing his own name). Now you’re all part of our little secret club. Isn’t it fun to have knowledge that almost no one else has? Please use this information for good, though. Oh, god. What have I done?

I’m not going to lie, I have a little contempt for the name Brodric Martin. For as good as Google Chrome’s “advanced spell check” is, it still will not recognize “Brodric” as spelled correctly. So anytime I write an article on him, I have to deal with those annoying squiggly red lines, even after I’ve added “Brodric” to the dictionary. ARRRGH MORE RED LINES.

8. Taylor Decker vs. 9. Jalen Reeves-Maybin

A matchup between two of the most seasoned Detroit Lions. Decker, a member of the team’s 2016 NFL Draft. Reeves-Maybin drafted by Detroit a year later.

For funsies, I went back to the 2017 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament to see how much we’ve fatigued on these names throughout the years, and, dear reader, I was shocked by the results. Decker was a 15 seed. Reeves-Maybin was an 11 seed.

These two players have experienced the opposite of name fatigue. Which leads me to my next brain-shattering revelation: I, your trustworthy narrator, am susceptible to talent bias. For years, I have admonished you all for voting with your heart over your head—favoring the better player over the actual name itself. And here I am suffering from the same faulty thought processes.

My eyes are opened for the first time. Am I a Flat Earther now?

5. Chase Lucas vs. 12. Riley Patterson

I don’t know when it happened or who started it, but the anti-”two first names” sentiment in this country is widespread and offensive. The discrimination has to stop. I will proudly wear a ribbon or paint their cause in the endzone for the 2023 NFL season. Chase Lucas does not deserve your scorn for his simple, yet balanced name. Is he a little overseeded here? Yeah, probably. But, dangit, I think simplicity has its place in this tournament. Not every name needs to have 15 syllables in it.

Riley Patterson, on the other hand, is a pretty boring name. There’s no flow to it. There’s nothing unique about it. And this isn’t just my anti-special teams stance talking. Oh, who am I kidding? It’s totally that.

4. Brock Wright vs. 13. Josh Paschal

Brock Wright is the perfect tight end name. His name may as well be Gritty McDanCampbell. And with Michael Brockers now off the team, Brock Wright holds the team’s monopoly on all things “Brock.” That’s a big man’s shadow to finally emerge from, so I wouldn’t be surprised to see Brock Wright take a deep run in the tournament this year.

Josh Paschal is another name that doesn’t play well with Chrome’s advanced spell check, which constantly tells me it’s “Joshua.” Oh yeah? CHECK THE TEAM WEBSITE, YOU STUPID AI. I hope you and Chat GPT die a fiery death. For real, though, the amount of creative jobs that could be threatened by AI is as terrifying as it is stupid. AI is basically one big copyright violation, and I hope (but don’t expect) executives to see this before they start trying to cut costs by replacing artists with aggregating machines.

6. Obinna Eze vs. 11. Benito Jones

There aren’t many names that are more fun to say than “oh-bean-uh, ezz-ay.” While I’d prefer his last name to be pronounced “easy,” I’ve got to respect any last name that utilizes a z. It’s a power move.

But it won’t be an “Eze” route to the second round for Obinna. There is something undeniably hilarious about a unique first name paired with quite literally the most boring last name in existence. And there are some all-time great names who have pulled off this juxtaposition. Herana-Daze Jones, Selwyn Jones, Tebucky Jones, and, of course, Too Tall Jones. Benito Jones doesn’t quite live up to those greats, but he deserves some serious consideration for a first-round upset here.

3. Saivion Smith vs. 14. Brian Branch

Another classic alliterative name. I wouldn’t blame you for going either way on this one, and with Brian Branch being one of the most popular draft picks, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s one of the biggest Round 1 upsets.

But let me sell you on Saivion Smith. As if Saivion wasn’t unique enough, it hits you with that secret first i that most people completely overlook. Fact of the matter is that Saivion Smith is both a unique name and one that marriages first and last name well. Meanwhile, Brian Branch only does the latter.

7. Mohamed Ibrahim vs. 10. Kalif Raymond

Despite the strong feelings about the pronounciation of his last name (he pronounces it “eye-brah-him”), Ibrahim is a strong name on its own merit. It’s a perfectly balanced blend of consonants and vowels, and while the name isn’t all that uncommon globally, it is fairly unique to the NFL community.

Kalif Raymond is a strong name, too, and it helps that he’s such an underrated and likeable guy. WAIT, NO! IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT KALIF IS A LIKABLE GUY! STOP GETTING IN MY BRAIN, FOOTBALL THOUGHTS. It’s an okay name.

2. Starling Thomas V vs. 15 Michael Badgley

It may only be his first Name Bracket Tournament, but Starling Thomas V has championship aspirations and he should. It’s a fantastic name. The first thing that comes to mind with his name is David Bowie’s classic “Starman.” And while Bowie is absolutely untouchable, I adore the version in “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story.” I will continue to stan fort that movie until everyone in the world has seen it. It’s an underrated movie and John C. Reilly is one of the best actors out there. I’m not kidding when I say he deserved Oscar consideration for this role, if not for his fantastic singing in several different genres. Seriously, go watch that movie.

Michael Badgley is a kicker with a good nickname, but NICKNAMES DON’T COUNT. Let’s move on.