Our 64-name Tournament to decide the best name on the 2023 Detroit Lions roster begins.

The time has come. The 2023 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament is officially underway. There will be no prisoners, and there will only be one survivor. There will be more casualties over the next month than those caused by the Grimace Milkshake. Beware, innocent reader.

Before we get into each individual matchup of our first region, here’s an overview:

Let’s get into the matchups and the voting.

1. Amon-Ra St. Brown vs. 16. Antoine Green

We kick things off with the 2022 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Champion. St. Brown enjoyed a quiet victory during the bye week last year, because I got lazy and forgot to finish this thing I had to wait for everyone to calm down because things got too heated during last year’s tourney.

While the name is undeniably great, I tried to argue that the name was quite literally manufactured by his parents to garner attention. Is every name technically manufactured? Yeah, sure. Shut up. But there’s something that feels a little too Baby Gronky about giving your child a marketable name, which seems like what is happening here.

All that said, it should be an easy first-round win for ARSB, because the only thing that Antoine Green has going for him as a name is the semi-unique spelling on Antoine. But after the Lions drafted Antwione Williams in 2016, no Antoine will ever feel as special.

8. Jermar Jefferson vs. 9. Aidan Hutchinson

Jermar Jefferson is a bit underseeded here. Not only is the double Js a masterclass of alliteration, but he is the first and only Jermar in NFL history.

I’ll be honest. I have no idea why I seeded Aidan Hutchinson so high. It’s not a very good name. He gets some points for Aidan over Aiden—a clearly superior spelling of the name. But this is clear favoritism for a first-round draft pick. I am no better than the NCAA consistently ranking Notre Dame in the top 10 in their preseason rankings. I am giving someone unearned credit based on name recognition only. I please ask your forgiveness.

5. Christian Covington vs. 12. Connor Galvin

This year, we may break records on alliteration (I’m too lazy to actually check). But there is something even more special about the name Christian Covington. The names feel related, intertwined. His name may as well be Christian Covenant.

I suspect many of you don’t even know who Connor Galvin is. He’s an undrafted offensive lineman out of Baylor. He’s obviously a long shot to make the team’s 53-man roster, but could you imagine if he did? What a story. It would really Galvinize the team. [Editors note: Boo]

4. Jahmyr Gibbs vs. 13. Romeo Okwara

We have another NFL first with Gibbs being the sole “Jahmyr” in league history. There’s a lot to love about that name. Sure, the name would essentially be pronounced the same if spelled “Jamyr,” but I like how it basically grabs you by the collar, looks you in the face, and says, “You WILL pronounce this H.” Yes, sir. Right away, sir.

Romeo Okwara is deep into his name fatigue era (the phenomenon where a normally decent name now seems ordinary). And, truth of the matter, Romeo Okwara’s name only feels special when paired with his Shakespearean brother Julian. Unfortunately, the Name Bracket rips the two apart like some sort of movie villain orphanage owner. Speaking of displaced siblings, go watch “Three Identical Strangers.”

6. Levi Onwuzurike vs. 11. Shane Zylstra

Levi Onwuzurike is one of the most expensive names on the team by “Wheel of Fortune” standards. Speaking of, it was recently announced that Ryan Seacrest will replace the retiring Pat Sajak as host of “Wheel of Fortune.” Some people are mad about this—presumably because they have very easy, very boring lives and nothing else to be mad about—but I think Seacrest is perfect. “Wheel of Fortune” is a boring game show that requires almost no work from the host. So who better than one of the most vanilla TV personalities? Or maybe just retire Glorified Hangman (still pretty weird we played this as kids) and find a better game show to pair with “Jeopardy.”

Here’s a fun fact: if you list every single NFL player from A to Z, Shane Zylstra would be the second-to-last name. Way to ruin my research, Jim Zyntell. I’ve always wondered, is being called last in school a blessing or a curse? Do you grow tired of waiting every roll call or do you zone out for the first five minutes knowing your name isn’t coming until last? All the Zimmermans in the comment section, let me know.

3. Chase Cota vs. 14. James Houston

I’m not sure what it is about the name Chase Cota that I love so much. Part of it is reminding me of the lovely film “CODA,” but it’s something beyond that. It’s concise and it isn’t overly flashy, but it still leaves an impression. It’s a firm handshake of names.

The only real reason James Houston is in this tournament at all is because his last name has led to the best nickname on the team. In the past, I’ve outlawed nicknames from factoring into the tournament, but I’m feeling rebellious this year. “Da Problem,” derived, of course, from “Houston, we have a problem” is a masterclass in nicknaming. Kudos to you, Jackson State announcers.

7. Jerry Jacobs vs. 10. Jack Fox

Man, I don’t want to see either of these guys go in the first round, but, alas, this is the brutality that is the Name Bracket Tournament. Jerry Jacobs is an amazing example of what happens when two ordinary names are combined in a way that elevates both. Jack Fox is brilliant in its simplicity, yet remains tough and gritty. It packs a punch despite its size, like a sour warhead.

I refuse to nudge the vote. I hope you don’t agonize over this one as much as I currently am.

2. Hendon Hooker vs. 15. Kerby Joseph

Continuing this trend, Hendon becomes the first of his name to enter the NFL. Certainly, though, there is nothing else to discuss about his name. I’m kidding, folks. There’s alliteration, too.

I initially had Kerby Joseph on the outside looking in, but we need more “Kirby Dream Land” references this year. So I manipulated the field to give him an outside chance to make a deep run and give myself more opportunities to spread the gospel of how much I loved this series on the original Game Boy. If someone put Kerby Joseph’s highlights to Kirby’s Dream Land music, it would be my most-watched YouTube video of all time.