We’re down to the final eight names in our 2020 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament. I’d like to sit here and say I’m surprised by some of the names that have made it this far, but that’s really only true of one person. Dan Skipper.

Here are the names Dan Skipper has bested thus far in this tournament: Matt Sokol, Caleb Benenoch, and Arryn Siposs. An argument could be made that those are three upsets right there. Dan Skipper is this year’s Cinderella story, as he skips his way to the big dance in those glass slippers of his.

I don’t know why y’all love this name so much. I don’t know if it’s just one of you messing with me trying to slowly drive me insane. Either way, it’s working.

Here’s a look at the Elite 8 matchups for the tournament.

1. Amani Oruwariye vs. 2. Halapoulivaati Vaitai

TALE OF THE TAPE

Amani Oruwariye:

Best feature: Alternating vowel-consonant-vowel-consonant every letter
Biggest win: Handily beat Bo Scarbrough, 70-30
Biggest weakness: People who try to say “Oruwariye too fast”
Random fact: The worst someone has butchered his name is calling him “Oreo.”

Halapoulivaati Vaitai

Best feature: Name can be sung to the tune of “Play That Funky Music (White Boy)”
Biggest win: Blew out Romeo Okwara, 80-20
Biggest weakness: People who like to spell correctly
Random fact: Has brothers named Kevin and Will.

4. D’Andre Swift vs. 2. Olive Sagapolu

TALE OF THE TAPE

D’Andre Swift

Best feature: His last name matches his playing style
Biggest win: Defeated former finalist Miles Killebrew, 56-44
Biggest weakness: Da’Shawn Hand and A’Shawn Robinson have really run the apostrophed name into the ground here.
Random fact: His dad is stronger than your dad.

Olive Sagapolu

Best feature: The pronounciation: Oh-lee-vay Sung-a-poe-loo. Also, his name is Olive.
Biggest win: Defeated Jahlani Tavai (unjustly), 51-49
Biggest weakness: Olives are gross.
Random fact: Sagapolu—currently listed at 330 pounds—can do a backflip.

1. Quintez Cephus vs. 7. Dee Virgin

TALE OF THE TAPE

Quintez Cephus

Best feature: Has two 10-point scrabble letters in his first name.
Biggest win: Nice 69-31 over Oday Aboushi
Biggest weakness: There is no pun potential in a name with so many odd sounds.
Random fact: His favorite emoji is the ape emoji.

Dee Virgin

Best feature: Obviously, y’all think it’s really funny a guy is named Virgin. I guess it doesn’t help his first name is basically “The.”
Biggest win: Virgin denied Penisini, 57-43
Biggest weakness: It feels like cyberbullying voting him this far into the tournament.
Random fact: Was nicknamed “crank man” by Darius Slay. Which... may mean something else given Slay’s history with that word.

1. Beau Benzschawel vs. 7. Dan Skipper

TALE OF THE TAPE

Beau Benzschawel

Best feature: Alliteration
Biggest win: Won the battle of Alliteration over Reggie Ragland, 69-31
Biggest weakness: Beau is a little too short and uninteresting.
Random fact: At one point in his life he ate at Red Robin once a week.

Dan Skipper

Best feature: Nothing
Biggest win: Upsetting Arryn Siposs, 51-49
Biggest weakness: His name is Dan, fergodsakes.
Random fact: One time his brother showed up to a game to support him with no shirt on and sharpied a jersey on his chest and back.