(Continued from previous part …)
As the days passed, the interactions with the KS, my new online friend, kept increasing. There was a sweetness in this relationship. He was intelligent, sounded a bit negative sometimes, but mostly full of confidence and positive feelings. Negativity in the sense, that he talked like an adamant, very stubborn child at times. Whatever be the reason, KS was a sweetie-pie to me. It might be just my perception based upon small and long email communications with him. Although, he was stubborn, but he also had politeness. This flexibility in his nature was enough to show that he possesses a sensitive heart and soul.
Needless to mention, the over-protective wall of Aman, Ronit, and other gang of buddies was now becoming an intolerable burden for me. They were sweet friends, no doubt, and very caring, but excess of everything becomes a problem. As a result, I had left no privacy. There were no private moments when I can talk to my roommate who was living without me all alone in Delhi. He did not let anyone enter his room or his life since I left him. I was worried for him. I had a company here, but he was all alone. If I was so desperate to see him, touch him, and feel him after getting away from him in just a few days of our separation, it was a bigger concern for me to know how my Roomie would have been managing without me? My love and feelings for him was only a fraction of his enormous love for me. My love for him was just a reflection of his powerful shining love for me, just like moon-light is that of the Sun.
My friends were, of course the friends as they ought to be, perhaps now a little more than being just friends, still, there was a big gap which was filled in by KS. I could not talk to my friends about my feelings for my roomie, nor could they console me or understand my sufferings for my love. KS was indeed filling that gap. He was the one who could not only understand my concerns but also consoled me from time to time. He, silently, substituted my roomie during his absence, and I even could not notice it. His empathy, his caring nature, everything was enough to leave a similar impression and establish a similar bonding as I felt with my roomie. Slowly, it was but natural for me, to have a soft corner for KS. I could not notice when my soft-feelings for KS started turning into love for him. He became more close than my real life friends to me. There were moments, when I saw him and myself nude in many of my dreams, involuntarily. These dreams started increasing after he shared his photos with me. I felt very guilty. Why the hell was I feeling it for someone else? I felt like I was deceiving my roomie. Although, it was all hypothetical, but I must be loyal and committed to my loving roomie. I did not feel such sexual attractions for other males earlier, even when my roomie and I watched porn clips together. What was so special in this young lad, very distinctive in looks as compared to my roomie, that made me compelled to fantasize about KS and I together? I even started thinking about our lives together, if it could have been possible, or just in case if my roomie and I could not get back together after I finish my studies. Guilty ! Guilty !! Guilty !!! And I admit, I still find myself weak and vulnerable here.
A few days later, KS also shared his body pictures. I had not asked him to share it. But it worked as fueling the fire already burning me inside. Although, his body was not something that would have been a very appealing factor for me, but he never was just a body for me. There is no dearth of porn videos or porn media on internet which could not satisfy one’s fantasies as per one’s preferences. It was my emotional attachment with him which was much more powerful than just being a body oriented relationship.
I started feeling disgusted and like a male-prostitute who cannot remain committed to his spouse. Literally ! I damned myself with such titles expecting it would help me to refrain from these sinful thoughts, but no, it did not work. His almost nude picture was the last nail on the coffin of my loyalty to my roomie. That night I could not sleep and shagged with him in my fantasies. Although, I never allowed my roomie to have anal sex with me, even when my roomie had begged me several times for it. He even asked me to penetrate him if I was reluctant to allow him inside me, but anal sex was not my cup of tea, ever. On the contrary, I saw myself indulging in anal penetration sex with this new guy KS. It turned out to be a wet-dream for me. How did I do something that I cannot think of doing in real life, that feels utterly inappropriate and disgusting to me. I cannot imagine to go through that pain again in life, which once happened to be one of the worst nightmares in my life. But it happened. I still regret that I could not fulfill my rommie’s desires and his most sincere request to have anal sex with me at least once before we part ways, his one demand that he truly begged me for, but did not force because I was not okay with it. It happened with KS in my dreams, and I too participated.
This Kaam-Sutra guy had that magical power to turn things differently. The most interesting part was that he had not seen me, and I did not meet him face to face ever. I was sure, if somehow I would have met him in real life, I would have fallen in the trap and would have regretted later for rest of my life (I guess!) for losing my self control. I felt closeness of heart with him, just like I felt it with my roomie. But again, he was very different from my roommate. For my roommate, I was his life. Even though I disapproved his love when he proposed me, but he did not stop there. He kept trying till last day we lived together to make me part of his life. I was the only thing he wanted in his life. I was his preference, his priority of life. He persuaded it by heart and soul till he succeeded. And, it worked. I, who did not have any idea about what exactly the love was, or any inclination for sexual inclination for same sex, now have completed lost it to my roomie. Whereas in case of KS, it was most probably a infatuation. He did not want me. He was least bothered about others when he focused on himself. He did not care, how it goes on others or if anyone else might have any expectations, not that he did not know what the love is, but he might have his own style of living his life and his rigid parameters for his partner. I soon realized there was “no need” or “no love” for me. How could it actually be with just bits and bytes? It was my “image”, not me as a person, with whom he felt a little attachment. I soon realized, I was never part of his life. He did not consider me a real person in his life. I was not physical for him, so I did not exist, whereas he was not just physical body for me, he was much more than just a body. True, our all actions and life revolves around our presumptions and beliefs. If I was not real, how could his love be real for me?
He was stubborn to stick to his decision, without caring for how it may impact on others involved in his life. This is what I felt when I desperately missed his company because he somehow maintained a distance with me because he was not interested in distant relationships. Probably, his priority was a body, not a person. He thinks, what he has decided is the only and the right way. Later, he sometimes also regrets those decisions and then he acts more negatively. He punishes himself for it in different ways, mostly by giving negative feedback to himself. But that is more or less what we all do, isn’t it? Instead of rectifying what went wrong, we have a tendency to punish ourselves so hard that we would not repeat similar mistakes. Our assumptions are wrong about this perspective of life. Punishment is not necessarily a solution. We believe in setting very high standards, and may fail again because we did not allow successive progression. Instead we opted a quantum leap in life to change it all of a sudden. His behavior is childish in this matter as per my understanding. He again thinks and believes (this way, which he thinks is right) is the only righteous way. Everyone learns from one’s life experiences. No doubt, KS was, and still he is, my weakness. He was a kind of first crush to me, powerful and unforgettable. Whether or not he counts me as a friend, but he is and will always remain a sweet heart to me. It is not in my nature to leave my friends ever as long as they want me in their lives. I always feel energetic, and same way, full of joy and passion, whenever he decides to say “hello” to me through his emails, which I still keep waiting eagerly all the time. His simple “Hi !…. Hello” reignites those feelings and those emotions with which I am attached to him.
