Later that day, when everyone left, I got some private moments and came back to my room after finishing breakfast and bidding adieu to all my friends. I had planned to go to my college to complete the formalities of joining back the academic session, but after reaching my room, I got those memories back. What could have been a better time than these isolated, private moments to stay with him (my ex-roommate) in my memories. Although, I was with him the whole night in my imagination, but that was not enough. The whole night felt like a moment passed in jitters. Further, Aman was sleeping with me, hugging me whole night, so I was not set “free” to accompany my roommate even in my dreams. Aman’s hugging and hustling was enough to put a barrier between me and my roommate or to allow me to go in to dreamland at free will.
The bad thing about memories is that these make you feel how helpless you are at present when you realize what you have lost. I started understanding the insecurities and fears of my roommate now, which I could not justify until now. I was always very casual about and Unable to understand his situation why he always sticks too much to me. I was unable to understand why he makes it such a big thing in his mind when we both knew that we have to part away after some time. The problem was, I had absolutely no idea how intense and deep Love he had for me. I could really never understand his love for me because I did not have that level of feelings for him or understanding of how exactly it makes one feel when one is deeply in love. It was all “theoretical” knowledge, and a little more than just the soft-corner I usually have for my friends. He was “special” for me but I did not know that “love” could be so impulsive. I was unaware of power of love. I just could not know when this “special” friend ultimately turned himself into love of my life. The first Love, and the true love indeed. He kept his words true. He finally made it true that those last few weeks of our being together would become a life time memories for me and I would love to come back to him all the time, even if I have the alternatives available. His words were turning into reality now.
The good thing about the love is that it never leaves you alone. If you are in love, you cannot be lonely. I was hundreds of miles away from him, still I was in his arms. His aroma was surrounding me all the time and I could sense him with me every single moment. The strangest part was, I was not like this just one day ago when we were together. Now it was becoming intolerable for me even for a single moment to live without him. I had been away from him during office hours, and spent my time in other activities but I was never in such miserable condition. Was it some sort of black magic? Or… was it effect of his strong telepathic waves and his intensified love for me that was constantly reminding me of him and forcing me to be with him. His shiny teeth covered with his pink lips, his mischievous smile, his silky hair, his beautiful eyes, everything was so real for me. He was still playing with me, grabbing me, hugging me, kissing me, but it was all upto him. I had no control over him now. When he was real, I could at least try to control him and stop all this. But now when he was not real, he was much more powerful than reality and I had absolutely no control over him. I was at his mercy. He was playing with me, laughing at me, holding my hands, hugging me, and sometimes, even kissing me, and I felt it all as it happened in real life, but I was just not able to control him from doing anything with me. His actions were so much so powerful and intensified that it not only made the reality of current context appear fake, but also it were able to bring out all un-touched emotions somewhere from deep inside. He was actually enjoying teasing me more and more as I started missing him desperately. He was doing all what he wanted to do with me but I was incapable of doing anything to him what I wanted to do. I was unable to get hold of him, or touch him or hug him when I wished to, or even see his face when I wished to see him. I was unable to kiss him, take him in my arms, or hold his hands in my hands when I wished to. It brought tears to my eyes as I was helpless and it made me realize how far I am from him and what I have lost in my life. I never cared for him or valued his love and feelings for me at that level when we were together. Now I was repenting what I missed when it was available to me. On top of that, there was no one with whom I could have shared all this emotional trauma. We human-beings, have a natural tendency to under-value or not value the things which we are blessed with or are made easily available to us. We know their value when these are taken back !
I did not know when I started Crying sitting at my computer desk in my bedroom. I was alone, and had no capability to control the over-flow of pain of separation and my inability to be with him. All of a sudden, I felt the familiar touch of caring hands on my shoulder and massaging my back gently. I turned back and saw my Mom standing beside me. A little away from my Mom, it was Aman standing outside the room hiding behind the door. I could no longer control it. Perhaps my crying this time was loud enough to draw their attention. I got up and hugged my Mom. The volcano erupted with the caring gentle touch of my Mom. My emotions bursted into tears and this time it was out of control and my crying was relatively louder. I was unable to hide or hold the pain within. She said nothing, just kept massaging my back for a while.
After a couple of moments, when my crying did not stop, rather it became louder and terrible, she took me to my bed and made me sit. I was unable to control my crying, or see anything clearly because of tears flowing freely from my eyes. My mom was wiping off my tears every now and then. She beckoned Aman, who was still standing outside my room silently and asked him to hand over the glass of water from my desk. My Mom sat next to me, and took the glass of water from Aman and brought it close to my lips. I had started hiccupping and was unable to take anything. I heard my Mom asking me to take a few sips slowly, while she was still massaging my back gently with the other hand.
After 2 or 3 sips, I grabbed the glass of water and held it in my other hand. I was unable to take water between attack of hiccups. Aman noticed it that I was holding it in my hand and was not willing to drink anymore, he grabbed it from my hands and placed it at nearby table top. My crying was slowed down and with water intake, speed of tears and the hiccups also was reduced. I looked at Aman’s face. He was clearly worried, and it looked like he himself was ready to cry badly but was somehow controlling his tears. “Why?”, It was not hard to guess for me.
My tears now were under control with intermittent hiccups but the crying was stopped. My mom got up and looked at Aman. None of them uttered a single word, but there was a silent agreement between the two when their eyes met. After that my Mom took my hand in between her hands, kissed on my palm, patted on my hand two times, and then left the room.
After my Mom left the room, Aman sat next to me, real close, embraced me from my shoulders, pushed me a little from his waist and asked “move a bit”. It was funny because there was enough space on either side and he could have accommodated easily but he did it as he was about sit on my lap. I knew he did it deliberately to draw attention away from that heaviness and change the context to make it a lighter environment. When I looked at him, I found him smiling as usual. “That’s what friends are”, he said and asked me to move …he continued doing it 2-3 times more till he pushed me all the way to the other end of my bed.
I realized how lucky I was having been blessed with such loving souls. It was not them who were needing me, it was I who was in need of their love. Be it my Mom, my friends, my gang of buddies, or my roommate. I never felt so grateful to the Almighty for his blessings in the form of this most precious gift, and making me realize their worth in my life. I can never repay it back to them. I just kept looking in Aman’s mischievous eyes, which were still watery, and smiled back in gratitude.
