(Snippets from my Personal Diary after last incident : Immature and Childish)

[February 20th ]

Introspection

There is complete dis-connection between us. I am disappointed, but why?

It feels bad if someone makes you feel incompetent, or inferior. But that is not my primary concern. Because I know his allegations of me being Childish and Immature are not true this time.

I am feeling “lack of love” for him. Rather there is a disappointment and wrath. I am now fed up.

[February 22nd]

Lately, I noticed that I have been paying too much thoughts on after-maths of being Childish and Immature.

Even though, I was a little disturbed initially when Ashvith, one of my online friends, had also used same words as that of my roomie to assume that I must have behaved immaturely “again”,  but now, I am feeling un-affected with anyone’s opinion on it.  I am this time, confident and sure they “are” wrong.

In fact, I am not concerned with anyone’s feelings or thoughts now. I care the least what others think about me. If I am Childish, let it be. It is better to remain un-matured than behaving like un-reasonable matured people who don’t understand how their acts are going to impact others adversely.  It is better to remain childish and immature than being judgmental and prejudiced.

[February 24th]

I need to understand why I got so tensed and upset with his biting.

It was nothing new, although he rarely did it, but he had done similar act earlier too. Although it was very strong and painful this time.

Mostly, when we are influenced with impulses, and our emotions take us out of control such things happen which make us over-react. He might have over reacted by not putting a control on his emotions and actions, which might have caused me un-bearable pain.

I might have over-reacted to his love bite and subsequent apologies.  But I am not wrong in this time because it must be tamed before it gets out of control or if it is taken for granted. While doing sex, we must respect the partner’s pleasures and preferences.  He always did it in the past. He relinquished his strong desire to proceed with anal sex, once I hinted him my unwillingness to do that. Why now?

My point of concern are two fold : He had been very sensitive to me and my happiness all the time. He had given preferences to my choices, my happiness, over and above his own desires most of the time. Almost in 90% cases, when there was a conflicting choice, he opted and followed what would make me happy, no matter how badly he wanted it otherwise.

Why then he did not notice how severe pain he caused me with such a hard bite and that’s too on such a sensitive and soft part of the body?  Or, was it intended ?

No ! I still cannot believe that he could be so cruel to me. My heart does not approve this possibility. What was it then? I need to find the answer.

Second thing is – my reaction. Was it over-reaction? I slapped him tightly. I could clearly see my fingers imprinted on his face for a long time. He did not react to this. Probably because he was at fault. But was it appropriate for me to slap him so hard?

Then why am I feeling so agitated about this whole thing?

I guess, it more of a frustration accumulated over a period of time because of his habits. His habit of touching my body, playing with it every night or pampering with me every night before we sleep. And some times even beyond that.

To some people, it may sound  like a dream come true. But it only can make you feel happy when you enjoy it. Most of the times, I have to allow him unwillingly, just because I want to see him happy. Because I don’t want to snatch away his happiness or his cause of happiness from him. Something being repeatedly forced on me (by myself because of him) made me revolt to him that day.

I am a human being, not an object. I want my friend to like me, love me, talk to me because of me and not because of my body. If my body is more satisfying and important for someone, then definitely,  it is a problem.

He might be loving me. But is his love for me just a manifestation of his love for my body? At least now I feel so. This is bad, and probably that’s the very reason why I started feeling bad.

Now I realize, and understand what some of my online friends had warned me. A relationship should not have any favor between the partners to sustain. In fact, there should not be any favors felt by any of the parties.  You do it not to oblige your partner, but because you feel a need to do so. You never actually do a favor to your partner.

I felt obliged by his favors on me and his help at the hard times and that’s why probably I surrendered to his desires unwillingly to make him feel happy. Sex  (or even foreplay and admiring the beauty of your partner) is necessary but it depends a lot on both the parties involved in it.  I was paying my debts. This frustration came out in the form of wrath and disappointment.

(To be continued…)