You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? 

Frostbite.

Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: 'That's some reindeer' he says. The Queen replies: '63 years. Yes, that is a lot.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.

One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box 
of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of 
Band-Aids and said, “You two share.

How does Santa sing the alphabet?

A B C D E F G...

H I J K L M N

Oh!, Oh!, Oh!,

P Q R S T U V W X Y Z!

What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL -LESS 

What is a typical elf greeting?

“Small world, isn’t it?”

Will: Where do snowmen keep their money?

Bill: Beats me.

Will: In a snow bank.

What do you call a cow at the North Pole? An Eski-moo.

If I'm standing at the North Pole, facing the South Pole, and the East is on my left hand, what's on my right hand? Fingers!

Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean? Because snow man is an island.

I know, I know. I know that people say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift... but couldn't people think a little bigger?

Josh: Knock, knock!

Samantha: Who’s there?

Josh: Dexter.

Samantha: Dexter, who?

Josh: Dexter halls with boughs of holly. 

Sometimes I get the feeling that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist!

Santa Claus is a jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

What do elves have to learn before they can read?

The elfabet.

Pedro: What has a jolly laugh, brings you presents and scratches up your furniture?

Ordep: Beats me. What?

Pedro: Santa Claws. 

If Santa rides in a sleigh, what do elves ride in?

Mini vans.

Santa: Knock, knock.

Elf: Who’s there?

Santa: Olive.

Elf: Olive, who?

Santa: Olive the other reindeer.

How long are an elf’s legs?

Long enough to reach the ground.

How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.

I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying 'Toys not included.'

Knock! Knock!

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit!

What's David Cameron's favourite Christmas song? All I Want For Christmas is EU. 

Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

Who’s there?

Yule log.

Yule log who?

Yule log the door after you let me in, won’t you?

What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A pineapple!

Why is everyone filing for divorce and custody of the kids this Christmas? Tis the season to be Jolie. 

Why can't Mary Berry eat turkey sandwiches? Paul Hollywood took all the bread.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?

What is the cow’s holiday greeting? Mooooory Christmas.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?

Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson! 

What did Tarzan sing at Christmas time?
Jungle Bells

What do you say we make this a Not-so-Silent Night?

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.