By Javinne J. McCoy

It is unbelievable and extraordinary the things EUPs will say to whomever they are involved with. Some of the statements and comments they make to the people they are dating make it quite obvious that they are Emotionally Unavailable, shady, and shifty as Frick! However some statements are on the subtle side, leaving the Real Meaning behind their statements/comments, to slip right past your radar ( if you don’t open up your eyes and see reality for reality).

Even when it is obvious (like when he/ she may say “I have no expectations” or “I can’t give you what you need”), we may decide to stay in an attempt to stake our claim on a love that doesn’t exist. In reality (if you choose to see it) the “love” is actually about their drama, your drama, their hidden agenda, and poor Relationship habits, which both parties continue to engage in (despite the excruciating emotional pain and trauma that we claim to be in).

One of the most popular, best performing, posts on the LA blog is “The Emotionally Unavailable Partner/Date: 10 Signs & Sayings”. In fact according to my blog stats, every thirty days it gets approximately 800 views. Rounding down a bit, according to my blog estimates it gets 2, 360 views per quarter (9, 440 annually). For one post that is considerably decent-at least in my eyes. I have reasonable expectations with LA Blog and understand I am not a mega blogger . Anyway, since it seems to always get a lot of hits and comments I have decided to do a part Duex of that post.

Remember, one of the keys to avoiding relationships to EUPs is to be able to REALLY listen to what and EUP is saying AND doing. Emotionally unavailable partners usually give you clues to their real agenda if you would only listen, watch their behavior, and gather information. Then you can make decisions based on wisdom and insight instead of decisions based on your insecurities, libido, or private parts.

In no particular order, here are more  7 Signs and Sayings of The Emotionally Unavailable Partner/Date:

1.They say “I miss you” (within a few weeks or months of dating or some ridiculously short amount of time) but treat you like Dog Poo (and you have a history of having partners who have a  pattern of doing this).

The REAL Meaning:

The Real Meaning here is that they are caught up in feelings which have no base in reality. Don’t think you’re “special”. They have probably done this with others.

Ladies and Gents be super careful with this one. When dealing with an EUP , when they say “I miss you “ and they are treating you like crap or being inconsistent,  it is often a slippery slope. You have to ask yourself, “Why someone would say they miss me or confess such intense feelings so early on in the relationship?” (or the “getting to know you” phase). In the beginning EUPs and the commitment-phobic (a different kind/level of EUP and an entirely different post I won’t go there right now), will often inappropriately bogart you with intense feelings, and rush things, so that you become hooked on how they feel about you. Once you are hooked, their behavior will usually shift and they often will become inconsistent and they will take you for granted.

Side Note: Now yes, it is possible to meet someone and vibe so well early on, have strong feeling, and miss them,and confess it,  and then both people go on to have a healthy relationship. However, if you have a history of dealing with EUPs, chances are that you have not yet experienced this better kind of scenario-so stay with me here and refocus.

Yes, it feels good to hear that and EUP “misses” you. However, genuine feelings take time to develop-EUPs always follow two protocols TOO FAST or the other extreme TOO SLOW. TOO Much too soon is what you should be on the lookout for with an EUP (However, if its been sometime and they haven’t verbalized and demonstrated how they feel about you and where you stand this is another NO GO). A few months or weeks are not a lot of time to get to know someone. If they mention that they “miss” you early on, and you have been through this kind of scenario before (your patterns, your patterns, yours patterns), you really need to do due diligence and ask yourself, “Why are they rushing me and this?” (You will bypass this step, get hooked, and take the bait, if you have a pattern of seeking external validation from unhealthy people).

EUPs often rush things so that you get hooked on how they feel about YOU, before they reveal their hidden agenda, or true selves (by then, it is often too late and you have over-invested). This is what makes these kinds of relationships so hard to let go of). This is a common unhealthy hook that can lure you in. Recognize it and then distance yourself. You will become more skillful at recognizing if people are being authentic with what they say as you love yourself more and stop carrying on all Cray Cray with EUPs.

2. They are chronically late and/or have a pattern of shifting or canceling plans with you.

The Real Meaning:

The Real Meaning here is that you are not that important to them.

Sometimes EUPs will use chronic lateness or the canceling of plans in order to set a specific tone for the relationship-a tone that always reinforces emotional unavailability, creates distance, lacks consistency, and manages down your expectations of them. From what I can recall, every EUP I have ever dealt with had their PsyD’s  in chronic lateness and unreliability.  Remember, an EUP has a mission to avoid anything that resembles a commitment or responsibility to a partner. They like to do anything that will maintain a certain amount of distance and inconsistency (the enemies of intimacy).

If you are on time, it shows you care. Keeping plans demonstrates that things important to you. Chronic lateness sends the message that you don’t really respect someone’s time or the plans you have made with them. A pattern of canceling plans with you, or shifting them constantly, says that they have other things going that are MORE important than YOU.  Don’t make excuses for them.  Step back and spot this behavioral pattern. If you allow someone to continue poor behavior because you are trying to be “understanding and flexible” (but it really annoys you), you will remain silent about their poor behavior, and send the message that it is okay for them to interact with you this way (and if you bring it up later down the line they will probably say something like “But, it’s always been this way. You never said anything before. Why are you being a nag?”)

If you don’t nip patterns like these in the bud, this will eventually lead you to take tolerance to the outer-limits in the relationship (you will find yourself staying even in the most horrendous of circumstances because you allow poor behavior to occur from the jump-start). Don’t get it twisted! You shouldn’t try to change them and their behavior. You just shouldn’t allow it to happen with you (Hint Hint: walking away is a healthier way of NOT allowing IT when you deal with an EUP). You shouldn’t be having endless “relationship talks”, and telling them off, forcing them to do better for you because they are inconsiderate. You should get to stepping and show them that you don’t tolerate inconsiderate folk!

3. You notice that when you have conversations with them, the conversations tend to have a circular motion and never get anywhere.

The Real Meaning:

Another thing I have noticed about EUPs is that their behavioral patterns really stand out. Arguably most of their behavioral patterns have the following quality: avoidance.  Avoidance is ingrained into their interpersonal style. It is ingrained into their speech, thought, and feelings, like moths to a flame. When conversations have a circular motion and an EUP cannot clearly articulate a stance on something, the real meaning is “I really prefer not to define things because that would make me accountable and suggest I have some level of responsibility in my life and relationships”.  

I remember dating an EUP in the past who was unsure of his sexuality (which is totally fine if that is where you are). However, during our dialogue it was the fact that he refused to use language to clearly define that he was “questioning or unsure”. Our conversation went something like this (he started off asking me if I had ever been with a female):

Him (EUP): “So have you ever been with a girl?

Me: “No. I actually haven’t. Have you?”

Him (EUP): “Yes, I have.”

Me: “Okay cool. So do you like both girls and guys? Do you prefer men or women?”

Him (EUP): “I have a thing for latin men. I haven’t been with a girl for a while but it depends on my mood.”

Me: “I see. So are you saying that you are Bisexual?”

Him (EUP): “I am comfortable with my sexuality-The fact that I am a male.”

Me: “I see. Well, I was actually asking about your sexual orientation not your gender identity. You said that you prefer latin men, you haven’t been with girls for a while, but that it depends on your mood. So I am asking if you are Bisexual-Sexually attracted to both male and female”

Him (EUP): “It depends on my mood”.

Me: “Okay. So it seems as if you don’t’ like labels regarding your sexual orientation at the moment. That is totally fine I understand. So in other words you are “questioning” or unsure about your sexual orientation at this time. That is totally fine. Many people are uncomfortable with labels and are questioning or uncertain about their sexual orientation.”

Him (EUP): “I wouldn’t say that’s accurate.”

Me: “Huh. Okay Now I am totally confused.” (I am also thinking WTF dude. You just said it depends on your mood and you do like both male and female partners depending on your mood. The only other options are that you are either, Bisexual, or questioning, or unsure. I would even take “Pansexual” for goodness sake.)

The entire conversation with this EUP had a circular motion because EUPS mainly sit in that grey area of ambivalence. They are allergic to clarifying things as this would require that they accept responsibility.

4. They compartmentalize your relationship and refuse to integrate you into their social or family circle.

The Real Meaning:

The Real Meaning here is that they DO NOT want to become overly invested in you or the relationship. If you are dating someone, or in a relationship with someone, and you find yourself introducing them to your friends and family, and including them in your “circle”, but they still have yet to take the same steps with you, this is equals a crimson red flag. A reasonable level of compartmentalization is a necessary life skill. It is necessary because it helps you manage your emotions and the daily life roles you may undertake. However the key is that it is REASONABLE level. EUPs often compartmentalize different aspects of their life as some sort of hobby. They keep a tight ship and like to keep different aspects of themselves separate so they do not become overly invested in any one aspect.

So in other words, if you are all Dressed Up in Love and have started to introduce them to your friends and family, and you notice that you are kept at a distance from their social or family circle, they are doing this so that they DO NOT become too invested in you. Remember EUPs are very short-term thinkers. They usually are simply “in the moment” and fail to consider long-term thinking and long-term outcomes (like them hurting you or leading you on as a result of their actions). Once they decide that they have reached a threshold with you and the relationship, they can withdraw and pull out. If they have failed to include you in their social and family circle they have lost nothing because their investment was low risk with you. You probably set the stakes high and that is why in a situation like this you will be the one to experience greater hurt-you over-invested in them while they under-invested in you.

5. They have a difficult time identifying emotions in themselves and articulating their emotions and putting them on display. They also have a difficult time reading emotions in other people and responding appropriately without being coerced to do so.

Emotional unavailability takes many shapes and forms. For some folk, emotional unavailability expresses itself as not doing enough in the relationship. For other folk, emotional unavailability expresses itself as doing too much in the relationship. Some people are raised in this manner from childhood by their caregivers-it’s all they know. It might not be someone’s fault that they were raised this way or had experiences which encouraged EU tendencies. However, it doesn’t mean they are not responsible for addressing their emotional unavailability.

THE Real Meaning:

The real meaning is that they have NOT dealt with their issues.

Take a step back and try to be objective about the dynamics in your relationships. Are you the one always expressing how you feel to them? Are you the one initiating this most of the time? Do they take the initiative to SHOW and TELL you how they feel first? (read: actions matching words). Do you have to get an emotional shovel and coax them to express their emotions to you? Do they like to keep their feelings bottled up and inside? If you are dating someone or in a relationship with someone, and any of these questions ring true, I would count it as a yellow light of caution, and take a small step back. Some people don’t like to be vulnerable. They prefer that you take the lead. Remember, that emotional unavailable folk are emotionally lazy. They will leave it up to you to express all your heart and lay all of your ISH bare, and if they do respond to you after you have initiated first, often they are simply just mirroring back all of your feelings (not their own). It takes courage to initiate an emotional connection with another human being. It takes effort to let someone in. Not everyone is ready for this. That is why few relationships ever capture true healthy intimacy. If you find evidence that you are more expressive then they are, you might just want to scale it down a notch- if you are dating or in a relationship, and it’s still fresh, this doesn’t mean you have to cut them off immediately. However, you may want to simmer down and keep the key to you heart in your hand, allowing access only to those whom inititate and give you relationship reciprocity (without you having to do the majority of the work. It should be equal). This will ensure you are emotionally safe before you give someone your heart and before you give it to someone who won’t match your level of effort, and investment. You can slow it down! You can put your feelings in perspective! You will save yourself pain, and thank your self later for it.

6. They start off pursuing you with Gusto in the early phases of dating or the relationship and then it all fizzles out.

In the beginning you will be wined and dined. You will get all the phone calls and texts your little heart desires. They will ask to see you multiple times during the week. Heck they may even pick you up from your job. They are so into you that it causes your head to spin and heart to skip. And then one day…..WHAMM! IT ALL STOPS.

The Real Meaning:

THE Real Meaning:

The real meaning here is that they like “the chase” and the process of hunting something down.

This is not about love or genuine interest, but about what the psychological excitement they get from laying it on thick, to get you hooked in the beginning stages of dating or the relationship.

In this instance, they also have focused so much attention on you. Also, it probably felt really good to have someone shower you with attention. However, the time will come when they withdraw what they have given simply because they are wired emotionally to set you up to work hard, to get back, what they were giving you in the first place. Twisted right? Well that emotional unavailability for you. Twisted and exhausting.

7. You finally let your guard down to them and you notice that there is a change in the flow of the relationship often causing you anxiety.

The Real Meaning:

They accomplished their mission- to make you feel overly invested in them when they were not as invested as they lead you to believe.

Now all relationships have an ebb and flow. There will be times that life happens and unpredictable events may effect the frequency of communication or the quantity of communication you have with the other person. However, we are talking about a pattern here. If you take a look at your relationships and you know you have a knack for dealing with EUPs than you might notice that as soon as you let your guard down, and express your feelings to them, things start to change. They may seem really aloof all of a sudden. They become Busier than Beyonce and don’t have time for you now.  They say they will call you back in a few minutes yet take hours to do so (and it’s a pattern). You may confess you miss them and then notice how they make less plans to see you. This is because often the mission has been accomplished-the territory of your heart has been conquered.  Some people enjoy the way it feels to have a powerful effect on someone’s emotions and not give anything back in return. Sad but true.

In closing, remember that it’s up to you to know yourself and trust your gut. If you are not sure if someone is emotionally unavailable, the only thing you can do is to do your best to spot the signs and look for certain EUP behavioral patterns to emerge- I have shared the one’s I have found most common in my shady history of dealing with EUPs. Also, make sure you DON’T give your all. Save a piece of your heart for yourself to ensure you can pull out, let go, and keep your dignity intact without falling to millions of pieces should he/she turn out to be and EUP. If you save your heart and refrain from giving it to EUPs. you will perhaps be able to save it for someone who will be emotional available and be able to give you healthy, genuine, and authentic love. Hang in there! Always remember that you deserve the best. Never settle for crumbs no matter how fly you think he/she might be!

Please share your thoughts, comments, and stories. Do you have a topic or a question on emotionally unavailable relationships that you would like addressed on the L.A. Blog? Please feel free to email: [email protected] or comment directly on a post that has inspired and empowered you.

The post The Emotionally Unavailable Partner/Date Part Deux : 7 More Signs appeared first on Love Antics- The Relationship Blog.