Dear Addie, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months. We are very serious and I love him very much. We also work together, and go figure, I answer any phone calls he receives. His ex-girlfriend called recently when she knew darn well he had a girlfriend and it just so happened to be the girl that answers that phone at work. So, he told me the reason she was calling was to see how his daughter was doing. Apparently they were pretty close when he and her dated. I can understand that, but when she calls she's rude and doesn't even care that "hello I'm his girlfriend, not you" So, he told me I could trust him and I am sure I can, but it still bothers me. And she keeps calling. I guess I don't know whether I am being too jealous or just plain stupid. Please help, I just don't want to let this put a strain on our relationship but I feel like it will if she keeps calling him. And where can I step in and where do I butt out?? -Wondering
Dear Wondering,
I hear a few different problems in your question. First of all, you say that you've been together 4 months and that you are "very serious." Four months is NOT a long time to be serious. Evidenced by your situation and your questions, you don't KNOW each other very well. His behavior seems to indicate he has some judgment issues...do you really want to hitch your wagon to this particular "star"?
First of all, he allowed his daughter to become close to someone he was just "dating"? (his ex girlfriend). Unless and until a person is in a committed relationship that is going to be around for the long-term, they should NEVER involve their children with the relationship. It's bad judgment and it's bad for the children. Children do not need people revolving in and out of their lives.
If boyfriend wasn't serious about ex-girlfriend, she should not have been so close to his child. If boyfriend was serious about exgirlfriend, once upon a time, they should not be chit chatting now. So either he was wrong then or he's wrong now. Either way, he's made a mistake, a mistake of judgment.
Second of all, he didn't end it (obviously) when he ended it. She still feels it's okay to call. She states and he states that she and the child were close (again, a mistake on his part if it's the truth). Well if that is true he owed it to the ex girlfriend and the child to end it and end it for good to avoid any hurt or any unfinished business later on. He didn't. She obviously feels okay to check in with him and see how the child is doing. Maybe one phone call would be okay but she feels okay about calling several times. Mistake number two.
Third of all, suppose she did call and did want to see how the child was doing? Okay, be nice, be polite but be firm that future calls are not welcome. He did not do that. He's allowing her calls and taking her calls. It is NOT up to you to remind him or teach him or tell him that it's NOT okay. It's his place to know this and if he doesn't know this, then something is wrong with him and he needs to fix it and fix it FAST.
What is all THIS about? Is it over? All these calls CANNOT be about the child and even if they were, they are inappropriate and needs to stop.
Don't expect her to be polite to you. She owes you nothing. If she still wants the connection (and it appears she does) and he still wants the connection (and it appears he does), you're going to be odd person out.
There is more going on here than just an ex-girlfriend being annoying. Your boyfriend obviously has lapses of judgments and could be having one now. You need to step back and see what kind of person he really is and if this is what you want. Do you want someone who has no clear boundaries? Who doesn't do the right thing intuitively? Who risks his child's feelings and his girlfriend's feelings without thought or concern? This is not a prize, my dear.
You can do one of three things: accept it, change it or leave. That's it. Those are all your choices.
Choice number 1. Accept it. Do you really want to? Do you want to look like a fool? Do you want to step in and TEACH him the ways of the world and accept that it will be your burden to show him what is okay and not okay. And if you don't he makes you look like a fool? Because that's exactly what you're looking like. If so, have a happy life.
Choice number 2. Change it. How do you change it? You tell him this is unacceptable. Phone calls from ex girlfriends are not okay. Just say how you feel using "I" statements. Say, "I get upset when she calls and I would like it if she didn't do that anymore." or "I feel that this situation is going to have a negative effect on us if it continues." and see how he deals with it. He might need a little bit of education but beware of someone who is so totally oblivious to what is wrong with this picture because you will spend your life putting the puzzle together for him while your feelings are being tromped on. not a good position.
Choice number 3. Leave. You know the score, you know where you'll stand after you try to change it. If boyfriend is wishy washy and lets old girlfriend in, you're going to be miserable. If he takes responsibility for his actions and realizes there is no room for exgirlfriend in new relationship, then you might have something. Hopefully he's not as far out there as your letter seems to indicate he is.
Dear Wondering,
I hear a few different problems in your question. First of all, you say that you've been together 4 months and that you are "very serious." Four months is NOT a long time to be serious. Evidenced by your situation and your questions, you don't KNOW each other very well. His behavior seems to indicate he has some judgment issues...do you really want to hitch your wagon to this particular "star"?
First of all, he allowed his daughter to become close to someone he was just "dating"? (his ex girlfriend). Unless and until a person is in a committed relationship that is going to be around for the long-term, they should NEVER involve their children with the relationship. It's bad judgment and it's bad for the children. Children do not need people revolving in and out of their lives.
If boyfriend wasn't serious about ex-girlfriend, she should not have been so close to his child. If boyfriend was serious about exgirlfriend, once upon a time, they should not be chit chatting now. So either he was wrong then or he's wrong now. Either way, he's made a mistake, a mistake of judgment.
Second of all, he didn't end it (obviously) when he ended it. She still feels it's okay to call. She states and he states that she and the child were close (again, a mistake on his part if it's the truth). Well if that is true he owed it to the ex girlfriend and the child to end it and end it for good to avoid any hurt or any unfinished business later on. He didn't. She obviously feels okay to check in with him and see how the child is doing. Maybe one phone call would be okay but she feels okay about calling several times. Mistake number two.
Third of all, suppose she did call and did want to see how the child was doing? Okay, be nice, be polite but be firm that future calls are not welcome. He did not do that. He's allowing her calls and taking her calls. It is NOT up to you to remind him or teach him or tell him that it's NOT okay. It's his place to know this and if he doesn't know this, then something is wrong with him and he needs to fix it and fix it FAST.
What is all THIS about? Is it over? All these calls CANNOT be about the child and even if they were, they are inappropriate and needs to stop.
Don't expect her to be polite to you. She owes you nothing. If she still wants the connection (and it appears she does) and he still wants the connection (and it appears he does), you're going to be odd person out.
There is more going on here than just an ex-girlfriend being annoying. Your boyfriend obviously has lapses of judgments and could be having one now. You need to step back and see what kind of person he really is and if this is what you want. Do you want someone who has no clear boundaries? Who doesn't do the right thing intuitively? Who risks his child's feelings and his girlfriend's feelings without thought or concern? This is not a prize, my dear.
You can do one of three things: accept it, change it or leave. That's it. Those are all your choices.
Choice number 1. Accept it. Do you really want to? Do you want to look like a fool? Do you want to step in and TEACH him the ways of the world and accept that it will be your burden to show him what is okay and not okay. And if you don't he makes you look like a fool? Because that's exactly what you're looking like. If so, have a happy life.
Choice number 2. Change it. How do you change it? You tell him this is unacceptable. Phone calls from ex girlfriends are not okay. Just say how you feel using "I" statements. Say, "I get upset when she calls and I would like it if she didn't do that anymore." or "I feel that this situation is going to have a negative effect on us if it continues." and see how he deals with it. He might need a little bit of education but beware of someone who is so totally oblivious to what is wrong with this picture because you will spend your life putting the puzzle together for him while your feelings are being tromped on. not a good position.
Choice number 3. Leave. You know the score, you know where you'll stand after you try to change it. If boyfriend is wishy washy and lets old girlfriend in, you're going to be miserable. If he takes responsibility for his actions and realizes there is no room for exgirlfriend in new relationship, then you might have something. Hopefully he's not as far out there as your letter seems to indicate he is.
Again, GO SLOW. There is NO WAY you can know someone and "be serious" in FOUR MONTHS. It takes much longer to know who you're really getting and what you're really getting into.
Check back in. Good luck,
Addie
