Dear Addie,
One of my best friends just left after visiting with me for a week with her 12 year old son. We had a fairly nice visit but I had to keep taking things away from him. Not only books and knick knacks but also my laptop computer. At one point he was sitting in a wet bathing suit on the good sofa playing solitaire on my laptop. He was told not to go in the living room, not to sit on the furniture in a wet suit and was never given permission to use my laptop.
I took the laptop and said I would appreciate it if he did not touch it again. My own children, who are older, would NEVER touch my computer without asking. I asked him to please change his clothes and not to go in the formal living room again. It's a refuge for me. It's full of my antiques and books and an old fireplace. It's not a place for children.
He did not object or complain and did as I asked him to but after they left I found several books of mine (from the formal living room) in the room he slept in. While they were here, it was obvious that he does what he wants with his mother's things and he grabs a lot of things from her (food etc). I would never tolerate that in my children. He also argues with her and swats at her as if he is going to hit her, another thing I will not ever tolerate in my children.
Should I say something to my friend?
-Weary Host
Dear Weary:
It sounds as if you have very good boundaries and you say what you mean and mean what you say. That is why, when you explained the rules to this young man, he did not argue. He knows you mean it.
Still, he has a poor sense of boundaries because his mother has obviously not taught him that he begins and ends someplace and she begins and ends someplace else. The arguing and swatting is absolutely unacceptable and any parent who allows that is just courting trouble.
By the fact that you found your books in his room show that he didn't respect your boundaries and resorted to being a sneak. Obviously he gets away with things out in the open and when he is called on his behavior, he resorts to sneaking around.
He is a child who wants what he wants when he wants it. And it is the result of someone who has gotten it all along.
My guess is that your feedback will not be welcomed by your friend but perhaps you can listen to her and if there is an opening at some future date, talk about the boundaries and respect issue.
Someone who is hovering on adolescence is going to be dangerous if his parent does not put him in his place AND SOON.
You can broach the subject or wait until your friend discusses her son. Tread lightly. It's a difficult position to be in and if she is unwilling to listen, back off and let her know you're there for her. It sounds like she is going to need all the friends she can get as this kid becomes a teenager.
Good luck.
One of my best friends just left after visiting with me for a week with her 12 year old son. We had a fairly nice visit but I had to keep taking things away from him. Not only books and knick knacks but also my laptop computer. At one point he was sitting in a wet bathing suit on the good sofa playing solitaire on my laptop. He was told not to go in the living room, not to sit on the furniture in a wet suit and was never given permission to use my laptop.
I took the laptop and said I would appreciate it if he did not touch it again. My own children, who are older, would NEVER touch my computer without asking. I asked him to please change his clothes and not to go in the formal living room again. It's a refuge for me. It's full of my antiques and books and an old fireplace. It's not a place for children.
He did not object or complain and did as I asked him to but after they left I found several books of mine (from the formal living room) in the room he slept in. While they were here, it was obvious that he does what he wants with his mother's things and he grabs a lot of things from her (food etc). I would never tolerate that in my children. He also argues with her and swats at her as if he is going to hit her, another thing I will not ever tolerate in my children.
Should I say something to my friend?
-Weary Host
Dear Weary:
It sounds as if you have very good boundaries and you say what you mean and mean what you say. That is why, when you explained the rules to this young man, he did not argue. He knows you mean it.
Still, he has a poor sense of boundaries because his mother has obviously not taught him that he begins and ends someplace and she begins and ends someplace else. The arguing and swatting is absolutely unacceptable and any parent who allows that is just courting trouble.
By the fact that you found your books in his room show that he didn't respect your boundaries and resorted to being a sneak. Obviously he gets away with things out in the open and when he is called on his behavior, he resorts to sneaking around.
He is a child who wants what he wants when he wants it. And it is the result of someone who has gotten it all along.
My guess is that your feedback will not be welcomed by your friend but perhaps you can listen to her and if there is an opening at some future date, talk about the boundaries and respect issue.
Someone who is hovering on adolescence is going to be dangerous if his parent does not put him in his place AND SOON.
You can broach the subject or wait until your friend discusses her son. Tread lightly. It's a difficult position to be in and if she is unwilling to listen, back off and let her know you're there for her. It sounds like she is going to need all the friends she can get as this kid becomes a teenager.
Good luck.
