I love hanging with the girls. I am a girls’ girl who has many a girl friend. I do not understand how girls cannot be friends with other girls Where do you get beauty tips and unsolicited dating advice from? Besides tumblr, instagram, facebook, google search, youtube, blogs, etc. Although I am friends with even those girls.

But there is one thing that really gets on my fucking nerves.

When girls are competing for a guys attention. Usually there’s one or two guys in a room that all the girls make a beeline for. I don’t care if you’re throwing your boobs in his face, bragging about yourself, or even lying about who you are and your interests. The thing that really gets me is when you try to throw ME under the bus.

Here’s how it goes down. Women quickly scan the room and call dibs, sometimes only in their own mind, of which guys belongs to them. Fine. The problem happens when that guy they had secretly betrothed themselves to starts following me around. This happens pretty regularly due to my boobs sparkling personality and dazzling wit.

What do my ‘friends’ do? They make passive aggressive insults about me, or underhanded compliments. They try to make me look bad in the hopes of him losing interest. Surprisingly, not many strangers do this. But my FRIENDS and acquaintances have. Let me break down why this shit annoys me.

ONE- It isn’t even effective. It never works. NEVER. This is one of the reasons why I know when a guy wants someone, he will pursue that female no matter what. Doesn’t matter what his friends say. Doesn’t matter what the cock-blocking bitches who want him have to say or even the desperate things they are willing to do. Hell, doesn’t even matter what the actual female he wants says. He’s going for it.

So you saying that I wish I could kill puppies in my spare time isn’t Gonna dissuade him much if he’s attracted. He’s still thinking “Eh, I’d still hit it”. The next time some bitch is getting all the attention from the man of your dreams, try to reveal your best assets when an opportunity arises, instead of trash talking the girl who is murdering your personal rom com fantasy talking with your crush. Trying to spread rumors or discredit my character isn’t gonna get him to back down. And some guys can smell the insecurity and desperation on you. They know they can ignore you now, go after their first choice and hit you up whenever they feel like it. So you need to calm down the thirst.

TWO- You are my supposed friend. I held your hand when you got dumped. I drank with you when you needed to forget about your work troubles. I went hiking with you when you wanted to lose those 10 more pounds that you will probably never lose. But the fact that you’re willing to ignore all that for some dude you just met and talk shit about me just so you can look and feel better about yourself hurts. And is shitty. That’s not what a true friend does. What happened to hoe’s before bro’s? Look I get it, you’re feeling insecure and desperate. At the moment it feels like your only chance of love and happiness and riding on ponies while holding hands is slipping from your grasp. But trust that I wouldn’t knowingly go after someone you want. I can’t help if he’s following me around. You can’t either really. Also, I can’t read your mind when we’re meeting someone for the first time and know that you’re already dreaming about having 2.5 children with him in your dream barbie home.

And wouldn’t you rather get the guy that knows how special you are on site, that follows you around, that you don’t have to sell out your friends, flash your tits or boil small furry animals to get his attention?

Apparently not because-

THREE- 9 times out of 10, the dude these bitches are chasing are douche-bags. This is really the icing on the cake. You are willing to talk smack about the girl who’s gonna be there for you when this douche inevitably disposes of you, or tries his damndest to. So if you’re willing to toss a good friendship in the toilet for that dude, be my guest. For the guy who wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire. In fact he probably set the fire in the first place. For the dude who wouldn’t give you five minutes of his attention, and if he does, it’s to make YOU feel like shit so he can feel better about himself. The guy who has no intention of giving you anything you’ve ever wanted, but for some reason you are hanging in there for it to magically happen.

You won’t be shoving me under the bus in the future because I won’t be standing by you anymore. If you wanna take that insecure joy-ride to hell, you can count on someone else taking that ride with you there. Because I am not the one. If you want to be insecure to get an insecure guy, and then put me in the middle of this bullshit dance, because he likes staring at my chest then you be my guest. I’m gonna be elsewhere being awesome.

I’m not gonna be your scapegoat and I don’t want your douche-bag.