1. Destructive communication
Communication problems are one of the most frequent issues couples present with in counseling. We cannot not communicate. Oftentimes though, the communication is destructive and not constructive, such as with the blame game. We can finger point all we want but that doesn’t change anything; taking responsibility does! Click my blog article “Communication Do’s & Don’ts” for some basic communication tips.
2. Not Putting Your Partner as a Priority
A frequent complaint I hear is that one or both partners feel they are not important or matter to the other person. Lots of problems will arise when the love is not felt between partners. As Joseph Campbell wrote “…a marriage is a Life Commitment, and a life commitment means the Prime Concern of your life. If marriage is not the prime concern, you are not married.” Putting your partner as a priority in your life means spending quality time together, having FUN, actively listening to their feelings and needs, and being invested in their happiness.
3. Trying to Change the Other
When we are caught up in trying to change the other or each other, we are in the power struggle phase of the relationship. Many couples get stuck here for a LONG time. Here is a great quote on this – “Before you try to change others, remember how hard it is to change yourself.” (Bill Bluestein) Stop thinking the other person is the problem and start focusing on working together as a TEAM to resolve the problems.
4. Focusing on the Problem and NOT the Solution
Focusing on problems does NOT solve problems. We need to focus on the problem long enough to try to have some understanding of it but our effort needs to be put on finding the SOLUTION!
5. Doing the Same Thing and Expecting Different Results
In twelve step programs they frequently quote Einstein’s definition of insanity about “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” The relationship WILL never change if we keep doing the same things. A lot of life is about trial and error and figuring out what doesn’t work and trying to learn new skills. Educate yourself about relationships by reading books, attending workshops and retreats, going to counseling, and talking to other couples about what’s working for them. A small change in the right direction can take you down a different path!
Article written by Mylene C. Hallaran, MS, LPC. Visit us at www.lifeworkscounseling.org for a FREE offer.
