Read Part 1 Here  - What is Narcissism?  

Unhealthy Narcissism = Acting in your own self interest - at someone else's expense while fooling yourself that you are a great person.

Now this definition includes nothing of the usual talk of grandiosity, arrogance or lack of empathy but we shall get to those soon. First I want to focus on the narcissistic trick (that we all use from time to time) to hide from the things we don't want to see in ourselves.

And when I say everyone, yes that means you too! So if you think you are never the teeniest bit narcissistic - I dare you to read on!

Let's take a look at that description again and start breaking it down ...

Unhealthy Narcissism = Acting in your own self interest - at someone else's expense while fooling yourself that you are a great person.

Okay so 'acting in your own self interest at someone else's expense' is pretty straightforward. This is the classic win/lose situation. A good example in this case might be a person who gives their time and money to a mistress or lover instead of their family and kids. Now don't get me wrong because I am not saying ALL narcissists cheat on their spouse. In many cases what robs this person's family of their time, money and interest may be something else, such as:

workaholism,
alcoholism,
pornography,
computer games,
shopping,
bar hopping,
romance novels,
soap operas,
computers or TV.

It can even be a person who ignores and tolerates injustice to others (such as their kids or step kids) to preserve their own 'sanctuary' because they don't want to get involved in anything unpleasant or confrontational.

Did you get that? I want you to read that last paragraph once again because sometimes just preserving the status quo by saying and doing nothing is acting in our self interest at someone else's expense.

So does this mean that every cheating spouse, barfly or absent parent is a narcissist? No.
Because the next part is defining ...

Unhealthy Narcissism = Acting in your own self interest - at someone else's expense while fooling yourself that you are a great person.

I have said many times that narcissism equals hiding shame and I am going to jump back to that definition right now to help help you get a really clear idea about how this fooling yourself bit works.

So let's talk about shame.

Shame is a little different than embarrassment, because it is more public. For instance you might be embarrassed about your weight, but the vast majority of people probably don't really care whether you are fat or slim and so really it is not shameful at all.

Embezzling money from your family budget on the other hand, or resorting to verbal abuse or violence when you are emotional are things you might be embarrassed about, but go a step further because if disclosed they would cause you public shame.


If you are starting to feel antsy, that's okay, because really no one likes shame. We all have to deal with it at one stage or other however and so it is important that we learn how to do this. If this is something you still struggle with, here is the best advice I can give you ...

~ When you find yourself in a situation that may bring shame on yourself, it is usually best to admit your genuine embarrassment to the people involved that you have harmed. ~


This one is really tough, but the surprise result is that if your embarrassment is genuine people will generally forgive you. They may be angry first and they may want you to make amends, but if you are humble and show genuine contrition, they will usually forgive you in time.

Now of course this doesn't mean that you will not go to jail if you have broken the law, but it does mean that the judge and jury will be far more lenient and the people who you know might still write and visit! Because as hard as it is to admit we are embarrassed - people generally find it attractive when we do.

This doesn't mean that you should go around apologizing all the time, because remember we are talking about stuff you genuinely feel ashamed about. You apologizing out of fear or false modesty is not attractive, but will simply make you look weak and unattractive. Further, apologizing for things other people have blamed on you (to hide their own shame), just makes you a pushover and even worse a victim or target.

Many kids will get a chance to learn about expressing shame when they are growing up if they are caught stealing. A wise parent will insist their child returns what they have taken and admits they are ashamed of what they have done and apologize. Hard to do? Sure - but this experience and discovering they will be forgiven (if they are genuinely embarrassed and sorry) is priceless.

Expressing shame may also involve talking to a teacher whose class they have been getting carried away with themselves in - or it may be about another child or animal they have hurt.

One way or another this can be a defining moment in a child's life.

Because if a person does not learn how to express shame, they are likely instead to lock it inside themselves and deal with it by creating a fantasy personality (for themselves) that they can hide in so as not have to face the shame they feel about who they really are. They will tell themselves they are fine and it is really someone else's fault (and they are the poor victim) to fool themselves and not to have to face their own wrongdoing and shame.

And once this act of hiding their shame in this way is repeated it becomes habit.

This person will then only seek the company of people who acknowledge and praise their false personality and will actively avoid anyone who wants to shed light on the truth about their own behaviour.

I will give examples in a moment, but first I want you to notice that for this psychological trick to work we need one more important element and this is a 'scape-goat'.

Because once we have boosted ourselves up with the fantasy of us being perfect and above reproach - then all we need is someone else to blame for what we did wrong.

"So the serial cheater makes sure he hangs out with other men who think him 'a legend' for whatever fantasy personality he has created for himself (great sportsman, humanitarian, teacher, preacher etc.) and who will support his scapegoating such as "Is it any wonder I cheat on her when she is such a nag."

And soon anyone in the real world who disagrees with this version of reality will be avoided or likewise criticized.

There is usually never enough people to feed this false ego however and so private fantasy preoccupations - that protect this person's fragile false ego from reality - start to kick in.
TV, movies, drinking, gambling, romance novels, soap opera's, computer games, religious or secular ritual and porn.

And soon this person will do just about anything to avoid having to spend time with their spouse or kids, whose very existence reminds them, that far from being a hero they are in fact letting themselves and their family down.

So in this narcissistic world instead of spending time with our kids or partner - we put our best picture on Facebook and spend every free moment chatting with our peers in a mutual fan-club where we praise each other up.

So are you starting to see the difference between confidence and high self esteem and the hell of unhealthy narcissism?

A healthy ego means liking yourself for who you really are - and so high self esteem will not make a person arrogant or insensitive but instead more considerate of others.

The narcissist on the other hand is caught in a trap.

The way he feels good about himself is largely fantasy and so anyone who gets too close is going to see through the game. So intimacy dies, along with any chance for this person to grow.

Because growth usually requires that we are able to honestly assess our strengths and weaknesses in order to see where our character needs improving.

The narcissist cannot hold an honest conversation because that would mean tuning into their real feelings and these feelings are so bad now (from all their shame being pushed down inside), that this person may truly worry that perhaps they are evil.

But this 'evil' in truth is a psychological double bind.

They may do things others deem evil, sure, but the outward pain they cause is nothing compared to the inner judgement and torment that they cause for themselves.

The ongoing shame is then perpetuated by them not being able to face the reality of their own shortcomings and (developmental) gaps.

For example this may be a married man with children who cannot face his poor relationship and fathering skills and so 'hides' in the idea that he is still free and single - using his family's 'shortcomings' as his excuse for not spending more time at home.

Or it may be a married woman doing similar.

We also see narcissistic behavior in ministers who pretend to be virtuous, upstanding citizens who, when judged for their treatment of their family (and their own private personal habits), can easily be seen to fall far short of that mark. Or women who spend time at home reading romance novels and/or watching soap operas and chatting on Facebook, while pretending to their husbands that they are spending time with their (sorely neglected) kids.

So this is not the sadist who enjoys hurting and humiliating people - but instead a human desperate to be loved - but who has totally forgotten who and where they really are.

Don't think you are narcissistic at all? Let's check ...

Do you ever buy goods you know deep down are probably made by slave labor? Now let's look at that definition again ...

Unhealthy Narcissism = Acting in your own self interest - at someone else's expense while fooling yourself that you are a great person.

I wonder how many tricks you play in your mind to avoid the truth of where all those cheap products and clothes you buy are made? Or where the meat you eat comes from? Or what you would do to protect your standard of living if it was put under severe threat?

Don't worry, we are all narcissistic in some area of our life -  It just depends how close we let the win/lose deal come to home. And there is no long term psychological harm in this either, if we can simply face this behavior as it reveals itself and suitably acknowledge and express our own feelings of shame and be honest about what we are doing.

Because we cannot create a better life for ourselves and each other if we don't have the courage to really look at who we are and what we do.

So now let's go back to my original list (from part 1) of the benefits of unlocking this door ...

Healthy Narcissism (or in other words healthy ego)

• Greets people (including close family and friends) confidently and warmly (by name) looking them in the face and smiling.
• Can be objective about their own faults and weaknesses.
• Can be objective about their own talents and skills.
• Can relax and feel comfortable around people of all ages and not afraid to hear what other people think.
• Can put their point of view across without putting anyone else down.
• Is compassionate.
• Is patient.
• Feels relaxed and comfortable in their own skin.
• Wins friends easily with interesting people.
• Maintains healthy and close personal relationships with their family including their spouse and kids.
• Enjoys life even when things are not going to plan.
• Is naturally influential.
• Is their own best friend.
• Lives with ease and peace within themselves.
• Enjoys intimate and gratifying sex.

All of these things in the list above are about a healthy attitude to life because they come from true intimacy with others, which only comes from us truly knowing and liking who we are. This has nothing to do with unhealthy narcissism.

To learn more about creating this kind of psychological healthy in your family -  please visit these pages of our website ...

Narcissism in Yourself
Narcissism in Your Partner

And hang in there!

Kim Cooper
www.thencmarriage.com