guilt
noun ˈgilt

Simple Definition of guilt
: responsibility for a crime or for doing something bad or wrong
: a bad feeling caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something bad or wrong

Full Definition of guilt

1:  the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly :  guilty conduct

2a :  the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously
2b :  feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy :  self-reproach

3:  a feeling of culpability for offenses

Source: Merriam-Webster’s Learner’s Dictionary

The following is a stream of thoughts that I have been feeling as of late. Not sure how many others experience such anxieties, but for me it’s a constant struggle. Maybe cliché, maybe normal, maybe not?

For some reason the position title Volunteer makes me feel as though I’m held to a different standard. Not necessarily above or below any other position. More so that my character and behaviors are held to a certain  standard or I am meant to be more pure than I would in any other position. I need to be a better version of myself; constantly fighting the urge to feel true emotions or “save face”. That I am only allowed to fully enjoy myself when I’m engulfed in sweat sitting in a circle eating mangoes with my Host family and friends in the village. If I don’t feel like engaging with a huge group of people because I’m shy, it will come of as rude.

After almost 10 months in country I should have an idea about what my role is as a health volunteer. How can I ever repay my host sister for spending the night shivering on a metal frame hospital bed with me after a bad case of food poisoning? Debating whether cooking my own food creates a different dynamic than eating my family’s cooking and the food making a dramatic exit out of my body. (This sometimes leads to a positive exchange and bonding over new foods.) Or how wanting to enjoy myself outside of  the “all the time at site volunteer” environment makes me an ingenuine volunteer.

The only friends I’m allowed to seek out are those in my host country who reside in my community. I don’t call my grandparents in Nigeria  enough. Or anyone for that matter. I don’t visit my host parents/granparents enough. (My host mom is basically a year younger/older than so I call her my sister as I’ve mentioned before so I’m not sure if I call her parents my parents too?) Wanting to spend time with other volunteers is unnecessary and is received with side eyes full of judgement and disgust (the opposite can be received just the same).

Being annoyed by being on display for onlookers to snicker and stare at the different species of human is insensitive to their lack of exposure to diversity. It is only acceptable to take in a host countries cultural differences but masking your own in order to not offend others on a daily basis. For example, whistling as a female is frowned upon. Feeling a burst of embarrassment for accidentally whistling in front of someone who has repeatedly told you women should not whistle because it’s not appropriate. Constantly tip toeing between the line of cultural exchange and dismissing pieces of yourself to appease those around you.

The guilt seems inescapable. I feel the guilt amongst volunteers, at the health center, school, home, or at a training. While some positions are 9-5 and after a long day of being a people person you can revert back to your true self when it’s time to clock out, this is not the case.

But as a volunteer here, I feel as though I’ve been clocked in since July 23rd and have zero plans of clocking out soon. To those who have said well at least you get the weekends off, to you I say this: Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week I’m essentially on the clock. Every interaction is a way to get part of the “job” done. Full-time “health educator” (doctor to some which I always try to denounce), “cultural exchange student”, “student of the Khmer language”, “program/development coordinator” and  less than part-time “English tutor” every day I open my eyes. 

When it comes time to do things I’d normally enjoy in America (doing absolutely nothing on a Saturday), guilt swoops in and reminds me I’m still on the job. If I spend the day binge reading or watching something in my room, my host family may feel as though I’m upset with them. Not wanting to spend the day in my room with my fan on because I don’t want to increase my family’s electric bill. Or if I spend the day at home, I’m neglecting the students who may want to hang out and study. Does refusing to drink 10 cans of beer as the only female amongst the male school director and male teachers garner respect from the community or does it come off as dismissive and anti-social to my counterparts?  Should I just be laying in this hammock complaining about complaining or could I be writing a grant so I don’t miss the next grant deadline and blame Khmer New Year on why I didn’t get anything done the entire month of April.

The funny thing is, these feelings of guilt are projected on myself…by myself. No one has directly said what volunteers should do in their free time or projects any standard of what a “real volunteer” is and isn’t. (Kind of, not really) We’re all different and have different experiences/interactions from province to province or country to country.

Whether I decide to spend a day to myself or hang out with friends in my village doesn’t necessarily negatively affect any of the previous experiences or connections I’ve had/made or will continue to create. At what point do I feel somewhat settled and free to thoroughly enjoy my time whether I’m at site (in my village) or if I take a vacation? And why do I even feel guilty in the first place? Why am I feeling guilty for feeling guilty?! I could go on.

At some point I should relinquish my guilt and remember I’m human…right?
It’s okay to feel any of these emotions and still be successful in my service and beyond…right?

I’m glad I was able to get out all of that. None of these questions were rhetorical! If you have answers, I’d love to hear them.

Also, here are a few photos of some memorable moments recently!

If you made it to the end of this,  thank you for allowing me to vent.

P. S.

Hello friends and family!
Host country community leaders and Kampot volunteers will be holding a Camp BUILD (Boys United In Leadership and Development) for young male high school students.

Your donation is greatly appreciated and will help 56 students gain significant knowledge on important social and community issues!
Thank you!

Please click this link to learn more about the camp and donate —> Camp BUILD