When I Walked away from you, I also walked away from a part of myself. The part of myself that had any possibility of letting anyone into my life romantically. I walked away from the door to my heart and now years on, I can’t find my way back. I keep feeling as though I am getting closer, but every door is closed, and the walls are far too high to climb. And if I can’t get in, how can anybody else?

Opening up to people has never come easy to me. With you it was different. Although you would argue that I never really let you in, no person has ever known me the way you knew me. Well, the old me.

Walking away from you, as much as it was the best decision I have ever made, has also been the decision that has caused me the most suffering. Years on I still find it costs me relationships, connections and love.
As powerful as I become in every area of my life, I remain so weak and brittle here. The frustration is unbearable.

My inability to let people in and just go with the flow makes things so difficult. It isn’t easy meeting amazing people and turning them away because of the fears you have planted inside me. And I know, it’s unfair to blame you, but I do.
As I watch these incredible guys come in and out of my life, I can’t help but hate you for getting in between my chances with them. If I hadn’t put all my trust in you all those years ago, maybe I’d be happy in love right now, being treated the way I deserve to be treated. With a guy who actually cares about my interests, my feelings and my thoughts. A guy who actually shows up and is proud to be by my side.

I always envy the girls who make it seem so easy, who fall in love with people and life as experiences come and go their way. I constantly find that I am reassuring myself that my time will come, my path is my path and it’ll lead me to my rare destination.
But maybe being cautious is a good thing, maybe it just means that the perfect guy is still out there for me and when I meet him it’ll all just fall into place. In that case, I’ll thank you. I’ll thank you for fucking my life up and helping me realise my full potential. 

You should know, I am strong now. Not because of you and what you did, so don’t flatter yourself. But because I know my worth and I can point out a fuck boy from a mile away.

And as for the nice guys I’ve had the pleasure of meeting, I thank you and I’ll forever value you. Because of you guys, I have hope in humanity, I have learnt meaningful life lessons, I have discovered how it feels to be respected and truly cared for. I’ll also apologise for hurting you along my journey, you tried to climb the wall, but I wouldn’t let you. It was too dangerous because I didn’t know what laid on the other side. It seemed unfair at the time, but it was all for the best.

So to the boys who have taught me lessons, good and bad, you should know that I will make it to my heart’s door. I will find the key that fits. And I will do it for me. My journey is unique, and my heart is wise. My fire will continue to burn, and I will continue to learn to love.